I’m going to be 45 this month. When I was growing up in the 70s and 80s, graduating high school in 1987 and going to college for two years after that, I did a lot of stupid things. I made mistakes. Many mistakes. We all did, right? I was talking to another parent at my daughter’s softball game about it, and he concurred: we were grateful there was no social media when we screwed up.
This got me thinking about mistakes in general. We all learn from our mistakes (or we should.) When we screw up, we can fix it. Some people might remember, but they, too, made mistakes and maybe you helped them fix their mistakes, too.
Courtesy of gagthat.com
Mistakes are good. Great things happen because human beings try and fail and try again. We learn to be better people because in the past we failed to be the person we wanted to be. A world of perfect people is impossible, nor is it something that anyone should want. As Vince Lombardi said, “Perfection is unattainable. But if we strive for perfection, we can catch excellence.”
The current generation can’t make mistakes.
I realized that with social media today, mistakes are broadcast for the world to see. It doesn’t matter if it’s only one person, a school, a town or a country … the mistake is permanent. It’s emblazoned across cyberspace for everyone to see and comment on. The mistakes of our youth can prevent us from getting jobs, getting into college, or getting married. Those of us who grew up without social media were able to overcome our flaws, learn, grow into responsible human beings. But our kids? I worry about them because they don’t have the opportunity to screw up. Even the small stuff can impact them in big ways. Even those not posting pictures of themselves smoking pot might have a friend take a pic and post it on Twitter … and then five years later it comes up in a background check and you don’t get a job that you really wanted.
I truly fear for my kids because one mistake — smaller than I have made, I’m sure — could haunt them for years.
My generation sometimes forgets the power of the Internet, and the word of mouth that increases exponentially through social media. We have to always be diligent in what we say and do on-line. While this is prudent, there have been times I’ve wanted desperately to say something but didn’t do it for fear of it being taken out of context (usually a political comment.) In the past, I was far more outspoken, but the Internet didn’t carry my opinion throughout cyberspace. Still, I’m sure I’ve written things I regret or wished I could have said in a different way; said things to people I wish I could take back; lost friends because I was insensitive or thoughtless or too busy to help when they needed it.
Anyone in the public eye especially needs to be careful, but I know best about authors, so that’s who I want to specifically address.
Many of you reading this blog have probably heard about the author who posted something ill-thought out and offensive to some of her readers and others. She was unapologetic about it. She has every right to her opinion, and I can understand her frustration to a certain degree. But.
A big BUT.
We ALL want to rant sometimes. There are topics that get under our skin and make us want to share our rant with the world.
Think twice.
If you are an author, think twice about what you post for everyone to read. I’m not talking about your personal page where (ostensibly) you know everyone who friended you. I tend to be a bit more casual and outspoken on my personal page. But your fan page, where your readers find you, think twice about whatever you post. If you think it might cause a stink, take a time out and think about it. Consider how you word your comment. If it’s something truly important for you to share, read and re-read and make sure it’s crafted to not unduly tick off people.
Not only your Facebook and Twitter posts, but message group posts as well. Publishing is a small, small world. Everyone knows everyone. We all have opinions about specific editors and agents, but be careful about what you put in writing. Because I can guarantee you that the editor or agent you hate is loved by other authors. People talk. You can be professional about your negative opinion without being mean. Or better, recognize that everyone has a different experience.
Another thing about social media etiquette … don’t post ads on other people’s pages. It’s rude and unprofessional. I delete them when I see them. By ad, I mean any post or comment where you encourage another author’s readers to go to your page to check something out, or to your website, or to Amazon to buy your book.
One thing I saw on the unnamed author I mentioned above reminded me how immature some people can be. Grown-ups, supposedly. I saw more than a dozen people commenting on the thread something in the vein of “I love my readers! Come to my page and like me!” Links to their Facebook pages, links to their books, links to their website. It was TACKY and IMMATURE. Not only because they were advertising themselves on another author’s page without that author’s permission, but they were jumping on the attack-the-author bandwagon.
I believe the author was tired and grumpy and upset. Then she posted something inappropriate. Her readers have every right to be angry about it, but I still feel sympathy because I, too, have been tired and grumpy and upset and wanted to post something inappropriate. I think the only difference is that I used to work in politics. My first boss told me something in 1992 that I have never forgotten. He called it the “L.A. Times Stink Test” (he represented a district in Los Angeles.) He said, “If you don’t want to see it on the front page of the L.A. Times, don’t say it or do it.”
I’ve parlayed that into my writing life. If I don’t want my editor, agent, or readers to see it, I don’t post it.
All the authors who attempted to capitalize on the grumpy author’s grave mistake are also making a huge mistake. They’re almost gleeful in piling in attacking a bestselling author. And that is sad. Because it is a small world, and most of us view their tactics of selling themselves in a completely negative thread as petty and unprofessional.
I’m pretty sure, especially since I’ve been on-line for more than 20 years, I have sent things out into cyberspace that I wish I could take back. So far, nothing has come back to bite me in the ass, but if something does, I hope I’ve made up for it by using basic on-line etiquette for many years. I hope people would forgive errors in my youth.
So for my author friends — think twice before you post anything publicly. You are in the public eye, whether you want to be or not. If you don’t have a positive on-line persona, maybe you should step away from social media. This doesn’t mean never say what you mean or mean what you say — it means think about how others will perceive your comment and if that’s the perception you want out in the world.
This is good advice for everyone. Because there is little room for mistakes anymore. They can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion — and you may not have a chance to defend yourself.
Allison Brennan is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of nearly three dozen romantic thrillers and mysteries, including the Lucy Kincaid series and the Max Revere series. She lives in Northern California with her husband, five children, and assorted pets.
This is so freaking true! I seldom discuss politics and certainly never religion on social media. Nor do I post anything of that ilk on my blog. Some “followers/friends” would agree with me. Some would likely hate me if they knew my true views. Sometimes I seethe in silence. Okay. I do that a lot, LOL. But I don’t make record of it. Not that I’m paranoid or anything. Thankfully, my DH is a tolerant man and used to my tirades. He tunes me out, I get it out of my system, we’re all good. 😉
But the kids? Oh holy cow do I worry, too. There are no pictures of my Lady Godiva impersonation. (Though the subject comes up at college reunions.) There’s no social trail of my failed relationships. There are no selfies of my stupid self being an idiot. I think I instilled that fear in The Only, though she’s pretty straight and narrow to begin with. We got lucky in that regard!
But wow, the pressure on kids. We just thought peer pressure was bad. Now? I wonder how anyone survives to become a responsible adult. Thanks for your thoughts on this, Alli. As always, you’re insightful.
You said it. I’m acutely aware that half the people in the country would disagree on anything I post, no matter what it is.
A good reminder for all of us – even if we aren’t authors. Thank you for sharing.
Regarding your promo position (I agree with you), how do you feel about bloggers / readers posting links when you are visiting their site? I know I’ve posted / tagged you several times when I’ve been guesting at MSW or posting about your books at my blog. Do I need to stop doing this? Maybe my question is really where does the promotion line sit?
Funny you should bring up the kids today. I just had a conversation with a colleague about Les Nessman’s roll of yellow tape around his office. Said colleague is too young to remember that. I officially feel old.
I do think parents have a much greater challenge with the prevalence of social media than our parents ever did. I wish you all luck. Thankfully Lincoln and Abby have never quite mastered the selfie – more to the point, they don’t have quite the capacity for mistake making.
When OTHER people tag the author because they liked (or didn’t like) their book, that’s fine. I love being tagged. We expect this because we’re in the public eye — we know people read our books and if they want to comment about them, terrific! (Sometimes the cutesy pictures get a little too much, but I usually leave them alone.)
What these authors were doing (and most, if not all, self-published) were essentially saying, “Hey! This author is a jerk, but I’m not! I love all my readers, so come over to XYZ and check out my books!” It was tacky and immature. I was going to quote some of them, but thought that would be a little too much (which is also why I didn’t name the author in question — I don’t need to pile on to her nightmare.) However … I’ll admit I was very surprised she didn’t remove the post in question, or offer an apology.
I think that’s the difference between you and some others, you stopped to think before you named names or quoted something negative. Not everyone stops to do that. That probably is the most important lesson for everyone.
Great Advice! Thank you.
Thanks Allison – Good discussion on the Social Media and our kids. You are spot on. Thankful I grew up even prior to you, and lucky that even camera’s were not always on people back then… College in the 60”s LOL!
LOL — I didn’t think about cameras! But that’s true. Even in my generation, kids didn’t have cameras with them all the time. Now EVERYONE has a camera. Stupidity, immortalized, each and every time in pixels …
I hadn’t commented here in forever, but this is so true! I live in another reality, but a lot of it applies. I’m a teacher and I have to watch A LOT of what I say: my students can see. My student’s parents can see it. The other day, a student’s mom followed me on Instagram, and I know how I need yo watch what I say or think — like strong politic opinions, religious, etc.
Also, pictures. I had coworkers publish crazy drunk pictures and have had our boss ask them to take down!
And as a social level: after sex selfies. They’re a thing, and Imve seen them from a level of acquaintances. Why would someone? I don’t know. But it’s out there and first thing that happens is people text each other “DID YOU SEE HOW SHE/HE…?”
Sigh!
I have not heard of after sex selfies! Wow! That might have to go into a book …
SUCH good advice! It is fairly awful that one misstep can come back at you on the internet and it can be a struggle to be constantly on guard considering how you’ll be perceived or judged based on what you post, but there’s a definite baseline of acceptable behavior. Honestly, I felt a little bad for the author in question. I’ve seen some bad author behavior and while this incident does certainly warrant some of the response I’ve seen I also felt like someone not so in the public eye could post the same thing and have no one bat an eye. I’ve had to curb my own angry/frustrated posting on more than one occasion, that’s for sure!
You are 100% right. I think the author should have known better, but I totally understood — she was tired, she had reached her threshold. She made a mistake and she’s paying for it.
Most authors aren’t used to being “on” all the time, because authors tend to be more introverted than say actors who are used to being on stage and being “on.” But in the age of information where people want MORE information about the people they know and like (including authors) we have to be aware that what we say is being absorbed, and if we slip up there could be repercussions.
I will engage in some political conversations on my personal page, but they are limited, and usually something that’s relevant to my own life, not just an “opinion” or rant. But I wouldn’t post the same comments on my public page.
Yep. So well said.
What a fabulous post. I totally agree with you.
The only time I push another author to an author is when they ask what you’re reading or recommend.
Words spoken or written can never be taken back.
This issue here is not mentioning other authors … I do that all the time. If I like a book I’ll mention it or the author. I do that all the time. The problem with what these authors were doing was piling onto the misery of an author on HER page by promoting THEIR books and THEMSELVES on HER page. It wasn’t me going on and saying, “You should try Silver James! She’s great!” it was as if I went to her page and said, “Come to my page and friend me because I’m great!”
I, too, am worried about a culture where our mistakes cannot be forgiven or forgotten, and where a bully’s online taunt becomes something immortalized. Yesterday, I watched a very interesting TED talk about the power of vulnerability from Brené Brown. She’s a social scientist who discovered through her research that the happiest people are the ones who embrace their imperfections and believe they are worthy of being loved wholeheartedly. What happens to a future generation that is afraid to show vulnerability and their own imperfections for fear of backlash and ridicule? I suspect, and grimly I might add, that the answer is more unhappy people. Thanks for writing this thoughtful post, Allison.
A couple of years ago I took an online class from you – Killer Instincts. You gave good advice on how to stand up for yourself as a writer while at the same time remain professional. Your article on writer etiquette reinforces your excellent values and advice for writers. You’re an individual, yet one classy lady.
I’m so glad you benefitted from the class! I love doing the workshops, just don’t have the time I used to have.
ROFLOL — I thought ALL DAY that it was Wednesday, hence the “Writers Wednesday” title … obviously, I was mistaken, as now it’s late Thursday night, going on Friday. Yes, the life of a writer … we don’t remember the days.
I thought maybe you posted Wednesday after I looked in the morning, so I didn’t even notice. Course with the holiday on Monday my days have been totally discombobulated this week. 🙂
Great advice. I am rather new to social media. Before becoming an author, all I had was a Facebook page with just friends and family. I was cautious with what I posted there! Thanks for sharing your expertise.