For those of us who write about mystery, murder and mayhem, even Valentine’s Day takes on a sinister hue:
Blood red.
I guess if we wrote something other than romantic suspense, thrillers, police procedurals, or cozies, we’d look at men differently. But the guy we fantasize about isn’t tall, dark and handsome–
He doesn’t come calling with candy and flowers. He carries a chainsaw.
Like most desirable men, he breaks hearts–only he does it with a pick ax.
Seriously, are we attracted to these killer dudes? In a way, yes. It’s why we describe them so vividly, give them so many great scenes, and such memorable dialogue.
But let’s be honest. They send tingles up our spines, but they aren’t exactly marriage material.
Which brings me to an advice column which just perfect for Valentine’s Day.
Having written quite a few articles and even a book on Finding Mr. Right, I certainly know a few things about dating Mr. Wrong, too. In fact, in my next book, The Housewife Assassin’s Relationship Survival Guide, my heroine, Donna, does just that. I’ve excerpted a few of her hints here, on how to recognize a truly deadly date:
Hint 1: Instead of emails, he sends love letters…but the words are cut out of old magazine headlines.
Hint 2: He insists on being a gentleman and opening the car door…well, in his case, the hood of the trunk.
Hint 3: Instead of cufflinks, he keeps a knife up his sleeve.
Hint 4: After every meal out, he rubs down his fingerprints on all shiny surfaces.
Hint 5: All pictures of his previous “girlfriends” are pinned on the wall of his living room, as part of a montage made up of “Missing Persons.”
Hint 6: He likes to entertain you in his basement, where the grand tour includes coffin which, as he puts it, “I made especially for you. Go ahead, and get in. I want to make sure it fits…”
Big bonus hint: Break up immediately.
Even bigger bonus hint: Run. Far away. And fast.
(c) 2013 Josie Brown. All rights reserved.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Have a hint to pass forward
to help the lovelorn among us
recognize a deadly date?Post it in a comment, below,
for a chance to win
The Housewife Assassin’s
Relationship Survival Guide,
which will be in online bookstore
March 21, 2013.
