Murder She Writes

I’ve never been a big jewelry person. Take pearls for example. I’ve probably used the word associated with the oystery-gems more times than I’ve worn them. In fact, if memory serves me right, I think I’ve only worn a strand of pearls twice. And both times I was forced into it by my daughters who didn’t want to be embarrassed.

Anyway, one of my favorite ‘pearl’ references is that whole ‘do not throw your pearls before swine’ thing, and another is ‘pearls of wisdom,’ which I consider to be quite a gift. I wish I had a few pearls of wisdom to share today, but I don’t. What I came up with are more like faux facts. Just something to consider should you find yourself in a similar situation.

I was in Manhattan a few weeks ago, meeting with a few key publishing folks, and I picked up a lesson or two before, during, and after that meeting…

BEFORE
1. Never take a cab from LaGuardia airport that doesn’t have the word CAB written on the side of the doors and doesn’t have a meter on the dash. I did, along with a woman from Memphis. Not only did this guy do 80 mph in a 40 zone, straddle the left sidewalk on two occasions when traffic came to a crawl, then nearly run over a group of pedestrians at the corner of Madison and 36th, he charged me $65 bucks when the cost should have been half that amount.

2. It is not ‘in-trend’ to walk down Madison Avenue on a hot day in a new pair of shoes—that has green gum stuck to the bottom of the left heel.

3. Dos Caminos serves the best guacamole on the planet, but they don’t take kindly to Southern hicks pointing into the large stone serving bowl and asking, “What’re the chunks for?”

DURING
1. The VP of sales is always right…even when they’re wrong. You’ve just got to make them think the right thing was their idea in the first place.

2. Persistence pays off. So does all the damn touring because they’re going to quadruple next year’s publicity budget.

3. Role playing works, even over a table covered with Mexican food. We came up with two new, brilliant ideas for promotions, and it came about when we made the national sales manager an independent book buyer.

AFTER
1. If a publisher offers to put you up in a hotel in New York for the evening, plus dinner and a show, screw the responsibilities at home. Take the offer!

2. When Delta Airlines insists you take an earlier flight because storms may cause you to miss a connection, thus not getting you ‘home’ on time, take the earlier flight.

3. When the man sitting next to you on the airplane coughs up a loogie—in his hand–change seats!

So there you have ‘em . . . faux facts. Not as fancy or grand as pearls, but they do make you wonder, don’t they?

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I’m a member of a lot of different writing organizations….International Thriller Writers, Mystery Writers of America, Sisters in Crime, National Association of Women Writers, Novelists Inc, Science Fiction Writers of America, Romance Writers of America, Horror Writers Organization, and the Writers Guild of Acadiana. I’m probably forgetting one or two at the moment, but whew, just listing them tires me out! My primary reason for joining these orgs was to network with other writers. It didn’t take me long to figure out, though, that you get a lot more out of an org if you give them more than just an occasional appearance at a conference. In essence, if you volunteer for different projects, more information and contacts come your way.

One of the biggest challenges for any org, especially non-profits, is the lack of help. Volunteers are hard to come by. Everyone’s life is so busy that even the thought of adding one more responsibility to that mile-long TO-DO list makes me ill. But I think it’s worth it. A volunteer often stands at the front lines. They’re usually the first to know what’s going on in the org, first to hear the latest in the industry, first to meet some of the biggest names in the business. Plus they get a sense of satisfaction at having earned those perks and at having contributed to an industry that puts food on their table. Their voice is heard. They make a difference.

And let’s face it, if anyone plans to survive in this business for any length of time, it’s all about the who and what you know. Idealism wants to rest on laurels, holding fast to the belief that a writer’s work will speak for itself. Not true. Just look at the national best-sellers lists. Not all of those authors reached that pinnacle because of his or her vast talent in literature. Many of them got there because of who they knew. That said, it sort of makes sense to immerse yourself in many aspects of the business as you can, and writing organizations are the perfect venue with which to accomplish that. You never know what opportunities may arise.

Do you belong to a writing org? If so, what’s its biggest benefit to you?

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This entire year seems to have zipped past me at the speed of light. Here we are, November already, and the airwaves are already being blasted with Christmas commercials. What, did somebody suddenly make Thanksgiving an elective? Geez. Time is moving fast enough–give us a break already!

Oddly enough, then not really odd at all if seriously contemplated, time appears to move faster as we get older. Regardless of the oddity, or lack thereof, I don’t think we’re getting a fair shake on the matter. The years pile on, your body and mind begin to slow down, and NOW time wants to speed up? What’s up with that?

I know all the griping in the world won’t change anything. It is what it is. But it’s sure feels good to spout off about it now and again. That, and to listen to the words of someone who’s not only carried a hell of a lot more years than I have, they’ve done it with style and grace and actually learned a thing or two along the way. I figure if I listen close enough, maybe some of that wisdom will soak in, and I can get a little ahead of the game, you know?

That said, I thought I’d share some priceless gems from one classy lady . . .

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17.. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

And here’s one to grow on . . .

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.

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I had a different post scheduled for today, but I couldn’t resist passing this article along. A friend sent it to me this morning, and it SO depicts the state of publishing, authors, and marketing that I had to share it!

Shouts & Murmurs
Subject: Our Marketing Plan
by Ellis Weiner
October 19, 2009
Large Text Print E-Mail Feeds Keywords
Interns; Book Publishing; Promotion Department; Blogging; Internet; Authors;

Facebook Hi, Ellis—

Let me introduce myself. My name is Gineen Klein, and I’ve been brought on as an intern to replace the promotion department here at Propensity Books. First, let me say that I absolutely love “Clancy the Doofus Beagle: A Love Story” and have some excellent ideas for promotion.

To start: Do you blog? If not, get in touch with Kris and Christopher from our online department, although at this point I think only Christopher is left. I’ll be out of the office from tomorrow until Monday, but when I get back I’ll ask him if he spoke to you. We use CopyBuoy via Hoster Broaster, because it streams really easily into a Plaxo/LinkedIn yak-fest meld. When you register, click “Endless,” and under “Contacts” just list everyone you’ve ever met. It would be great if you could post at least six hundred words every day until further notice.

If you already have a blog, make sure you spray-feed your URL in niblets open-face to the skein. We like Reddit bites (they’re better than Delicious), because they max out the wiki snarls of RSS feeds, which means less jamming at the Google scaffold. Then just Digg your uploads in a viral spiral to your social networks via an FB/MS interlink torrent. You may have gotten the blast e-mail from Jason Zepp, your acquiring editor, saying that people who do this sort of thing will go to Hell, but just ignore it.

The vi-spi is cross-platform, but don’t worry if you think you’re not on Facebook, because you actually are. Jason enrolled you when you signed the contract last year, or at least he was supposed to, and he told Sarah Williams he did before he had to retire and Sarah left for nursing school. You currently have 421 Friends, 17 Pending Requests, 8 Pokes, 5 Winks, and 3 Proposals of “Marriage.”

I’ve attached a list of celebrities we think would be great to blurb your book, so find out their numbers and call them up. Be sure to do all this by Monday, because Sales Conference starts Tuesday. We come back Friday and then immediately on Saturday (!) all of editorial (Janet, plus probably Michelle, her assistant) and I go to the Frankfurt Book Fair for a week. During that time the office will be closed, although to help cover the costs of the Germany trip it will actually be sublet to the John Lindsay Elementary School P.T.A. as a rehearsal space for this year’s fund-raiser production of “The Music Man.” I’m told that this was one of the things that Jason didn’t understand and which contributed to his “condition.”

Once we get back from Frankfurt, we’d like to see you on morning talk shows like the “Today” show and “The View,” so please get yourself booked on them and keep us “in the loop.” If I’m not here—which I won’t be, since after the book fair I go on vacation for two weeks—just tell Jenni, my assistant, when she gets back from jury duty.

Remember in your blog to tabskim your readers’ comments. You can use Twitter, Chitt-chaTT, or Nit-Pickr. When you reply to comments, try to post at least one photo per hour of you doing everyday tasks around the house, such as answering comments and posting photos. Please make sure they’re pre-scorched. Let me know, when I get back from Retreat a week after my vacation, if self-surging is a problem.

As re: personal appearances, to cut down on travel expenses we’re trying something new this season called RAP, or Readings by Author by Proxy. We’re asking authors in certain key areas of the country to stay “close to home” and give readings at local bookstores of both their own books and a few of our other new releases. We can send you a list of bookstores in your area once you fill out the My Local Bookstores list on your Author’s Questionnaire. You’ll be reading not only from your book but from “Code Blue Stat,” a new medical thriller we’re really excited about, and “Fifty Great Pan Sauces,” a cool new cookbook. Their authors, Dr. Steven Rosenthal and Gail Freenye, will stay in Chicago and Boston, respectively, and read from each other’s book and yours. This idea, apparently, is what made Jason take his clothes off and lock himself in a supply closet.

F.Y.I., we’ve migrated all the photos out of your book and onto the Web page. It makes the hard-copy version cheaper to produce (fewer pages; no photos) and the e-text more “Kindle-friendly.” Sometime next week, call Christopher over an ISDN line and say your name, as distinctly as possible, at least two hundred times, so we can dub it as an AudioAutograph onto the podcast edition. (You may already have done this for a previous book, but somehow Jason managed to delete all the audio files before Security escorted him from the building.)

Don’t hesitate to try to contact me if you have any questions. I sort of have my hands full, promoting twenty-three new releases this fall, but I’m really excited about working on your book, and I look forward to collaborating with you to make “A History of Moorish Architecture, 1200-1492” the biggest success it can be.

Best regards,

Gineen Klein ♦

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I’ve heard that the condition of a writer’s work space can regulate the level of his or her productivity. Messy space, sporadic productivity. Organized space, heightened productivity. And, according to popular rumor, if properly Feng Shui-ed, that work space can even enhance one’s creativity. Well, if all that’s true—I’m screwed.

I have two work spaces, one just as cluttered as the other. My favorite is the office in my apartment. It’s an ‘enter at your own risk’ space that I treasure. My desk is L shaped, with a printer, scanner, in-basket, bucket of Dum-Dum suckers, and computer tower sitting on the short section of the L. The longer section holds the computer monitor, keyboard, and stacks of paperwork sorted into piles. There’s my ‘working on now’ pile, ‘this looks interesting’ pile, and ‘get to it later’ pile. A small filing cabinet sits beneath the desk. It’s chocked full of research papers, pens, wayward paperclips, and blank discs. They’re supposed to be blank anyway.

Along one wall is a bookshelf, overflowing with books. You can tell I had every intention of doing things rights when I started loading up the shelves because a few books are actually in alphabetical order by author. That didn’t last long, however. My book collection is too big and unruly. The more it grows the more disorderly it becomes—and remains. The shelves won’t hold any more, so stacks of books now cover some of the floor.

On the wall to my right are some of my favorite pictures, actors, actresses, and authors I’ve been fortunate enough to meet over the years. Sandra Brown, Peter Straub, Dean Koontz, Nora Roberts, Elizabeth George, James Patterson, James Lee Burke, Mary Higgins Clark, Alice Cooper, D.L. Menard, Linda Blair (Exorcist), Doug Bradley (Pinhead from Hellraisers), and Dee Wallace (E.T. phone home!). Beneath those pictures is a short credenza crammed with more paperwork, pictures of my daughters, a full size replica of Chucky, the Bride of Chucky, a smaller version of Leatherface (Texas-Chainsaw Massacre), a three-foot tall Frankenstein, and wolf statues in just about every pose.

Near the door is a Gazelle, which I use when I’m stumped on a scene, so it sort of fills two roles—exercise machine and think-tank. Without it, my butt would probably be the size of Nebraska.

My other work space is much more boring. It’s my office, at the office. No Chucky dolls in this room, just mounds of paperwork, filing cabinets, a conference table with four chairs, and a large mahogany desk. The desk is really too big. It was a gift from a business associate, and all it’s really good for is collecting more paperwork. The only space I really need to work is one wide enough to hold a keyboard…like now. Every other inch of this monstrosity just holds more friggin’ paper, files, pens, empty coffee cups, half empty bottles of Dasani, a bag of sugar-free Life Saver Sorbets, two bottles of vitamins that have been sitting here for two years and that I forget to take, and a bag of carrots, which I brought to work with me today.

Like I said, both spaces are cluttered, but it’s organized clutter, which works fine for me when it comes to productivity. I don’t think my creativity suffers because of it. Hell, if I had to worry about keeping my work area neat all the time, I’d never get any writing done. Piles and clutter are my way, and in them I can find just about anything I’m looking for without a problem. . . . well, except for my damn car keys.

What about you—neat or cluttered?

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I moved into a new apartment recently and thought I’d save a few bucks by buying unassembled furniture to help furnish it. Not that I had the time to start jacking around with a screwdriver, wrench, or hammer, but I figured the savings was big enough to make it worth my while. Besides, it wasn’t like I was a neophyte with a set of tools. When my daughters were younger, I did my share of assemblage. Swing-sets . . . ones that usually came with 12 extra screws and a spare thingamagig. Tree-houses . . . most of which toppled out of the oak tree the moment I stepped onto the floor to test it. And doll-houses . . .my middle daughter thought the lopsided structure worked better as a doghouse. Okay, so I might not be the best carpenter in the world, but I was good enough to make it good enough. Know what I mean?

Anyway, I started off with what appeared to be the easiest project first, a bookshelf. I ripped open the box and out tumbled—a bunch of stuff. Fortunately, an instruction book was amongst the ‘stuff’. Or at least I thought it was fortunate until I opened the damn thing. Get a load of this . . .

Bookshelf Instructions

Get the picture? This is one of the reasons why so few people are reading today! Everything in the instruction booklet was pictorial. Not one line of written instruction! Figures. Isn’t that the new standard in today’s society? Instead of focusing on literacy so more people can actually read a set of instructions, we’ve got to dummy stuff down to make it easier for those who can’t. Grrrr. . . .

Oh, yeah, the book offered another caveat. You know how most instruction manuals are tri-lingual? One-third’s written in English, another third in Spanish, and the final third either in French or German? Well, this stupid book was no different. What the heck is that about? If you’re going to dummy down, then just figure a picture is a picture, right? I mean, even if I only spoke German and every odd shaped screw pictured was labeled in French, I think I’d still be capable of working my way through the pictorial instructions for heaven’s sake. Or so I thought . . .

Let me tell you, friends, working with pictures alone ain’t as easy as it looks, no matter the language! It took me forever to assemble those shelves. Was sidewall A supposed to face finished-side up or down during assembly? And what purpose does that squiggly thingamagig serve? Does the bookshelf REALLY need it?

In case you’re wondering, the shelf did just fine without that stupid thingamagig. See?

I’ve just got to make sure to shove the books against the back of the case. Too close to the front, and it has a tendency to , uh . . . lean. What the hell, it’s good enough.

Anyway, seven pieces of furniture later . . . four kitchen chairs, an accompanying bench and table, plus a coffee table, and not one ‘extra’ screw or thingamagig…. I was feeling like Tonia the Tool-girl Taylor!

No doubt about it, I was really jazzed . . . until I tackled the final project.

Sitting in what was supposed to be my bedroom was a huge box labeled; QUEEN BED. I sucked in a breath, opened the box, and a load of lumber fell out. Literally. Accompanying that lumber was, of course, the ever handy-dandy pictorial instruction manual.

This twenty page booklet claimed it took only two hours to assemble the bed. Yeah, right. More like two days! It was the proverbial nightmare. Not one board was lettered or numbered, so you had to guess which plank went where by looking at the holes (size and/or number of holes) in the board depicted in the picture and match it to one of the thirty some-odd pieces of wood strewn across the floor.

I lost count of the number of times I put a section of that bed together only to take it apart again because I’d attached a board backwards. I also lost count of the times I wanted to chunk every friggin’ board out the window and head to the nearest furniture store.

Sadly, when the bed was finally assembled and the mattress didn’t cause it to collapse, I felt no sense of accomplishment. Just frustration and irritation. But I have to admit, I learned two valuable lessons throughout the whole ordeal.

1. Sometimes it’s worth spending a little extra money if it means saving your sanity.

2. When it comes to assembling furniture, the old adage, “A picture’s worth a thousand words,” does NOT apply.

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Have you ever had a WOW! moment? You know, one of those rare times when the fullness of something you thought you knew and understood really comes to life inside you. Kind of like knowing there’s a recliner in a dark living room. You know it’s there because you’ve busted your shin against it a time or two. Then all of a sudden someone turns on a light, and the chair you knew was always there is now in full color and view. You can confidently walk towards it, sit in it if you want to, or walk around it if you choose because the path to it and the shape, colors, and texture of that chair are crystal clear.

Well, as fate and luck would have it, I experienced a WOW! moment recently. Here’s what happened . . .

A high school teacher contacted me and asked if I’d be interested in allowing his students to interview me. I agreed, of course, but since time schedules were tight on both ends, we decided to do the interview over the phone. So, on the agreed upon day, he called from his classroom and put me on a speaker phone.

At first the kids were a bit shy, hesitantly asking stock questions like, “Where do you get your ideas? How long does it take you to write a book?” While I’m answering the questions, I’m thinking, “Man, if I had a choice between sitting in a classroom and listening to some old broad blabber over a speaker phone about how long she’d been writing or me doing something else, I’d choose doing something else . . . like getting a root canal.” No, really, it’s true, I was boring myself.

I knew the teacher had prepared questions beforehand to make sure the kids participated in the interview, but I also knew that as soon as we hung up the phone, they’d forget 98% of what was said. And who could blame them? In truth, when you push aside the curtain of social niceties, 97% of the human population wants to talk about themselves, their issues, their accomplishments, their dreams. They’ll listen to you because it’s the polite thing to do, but few really ‘hear’ what you have to say. Why? Because all we’re yakking about is ourselves. –My book—My tour—My life—My kids—My this—My that. Blah—who gives a flip, really? Folks will hear you talk about these things, though, if what you have to say on the subject gives them something, like laughter, motivation, encouragement or hope. In the same vein, if your words stoke any of their emotional embers, be it anger, pride, fear, happiness, etc, you’ll usually find yourself with more ‘hearers’ than not. All that said, though, I knew I faced an even greater challenge here because I was talking to teens, and most of them have the attention span of a gnat. So I decided to gamble….

As soon as the next question was asked… “How old were you when you started writing?” I threw that slow-moving, boring train off the track with this answer…. “I started playing around with words when I was a kid, but I really didn’t start writing until the day I saw my first dead body.”

There was dead silence on the other end of the phone.

The teacher cleared his throat. “Did you say dead body?”

I confirmed and gave a short summary of the first autopsy I’d helped with and how that changed the way I wrote. Truly, that’s when I really started ‘writing’ because I went from imagining what it was like (even with research) to hold a person’s brains, heart, liver, etc., in my hands, to knowing what if felt like, smelled like, looked like.

As I suspected, this opened a flood gate, and the kids couldn’t ask questions fast enough. Before I knew it we were all over the place, jumping from crime scenes to embalming rooms, to ghost hunts, and how all of these experiences fit into writing. Time flew by, making the hour-long interview seem like five minutes. When the teacher finally told the kids it was time to end the interview, I heard a loud collective groan. They didn’t want it to end.

Later that day, the teacher called to let me know that since the interview, his students had been hounding him for copies of my books, and he wanted to surprise them with autographed copies. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I had him send me the names of all the students who’d been in the class, along with a box of books, so I could personalize each copy.

My WOW! moment came when I signed the first book:

For Ana—remember to always keep it real—

As soon as I wrote those words, I flashed back to the sound of the kids’ excited chatter over the phone, their hunger to hear more, to understand more, their disappointment when we had to hang up. Thinking about that, I realized I had told them very little about Deborah or her writing process. Instead, I’d shared my adventures with them, fleshing out the stories with details of sights and sounds and smells, bringing the kids as up-close and personal as possible so each of them felt like they were standing beside me, experiencing those same adventures. I did it without the aid of hand gestures, facial expressions, or eye contact, and they heard.

So did I.

I’m a storyteller. I just happen to write my stories on paper more often than I verbalize them, which makes it all the more important for me to pay attention to every word I put on a page. The words have to have life—they need to breathe.

And I’m the one who needs to remember to always keep it real.

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There’s a huge difference between writing a novel and creating a short story. I have a tendency to be verbose, so the structure of a novel fits me well. In it I feel I get more opportunities to bring my characters to life. I can add in a bit of their background and more of their mannerisms to give the reader a true flavor of what the character’s about. Doing the same thing, bringing a character to life I mean, in a short story takes pure damn genius in my opinion. And a genius I’m not. At the moment, I’m working on rewrites for two shorts that will appear in an anthology next year. ALL of the contributors are excellent storytellers and can make a short story sing like Whitney Houston on her best vocals day. Mine sounds like somebody’s Uncle Charles singing in the shower with a bad case of laryngitis.

Fortunately, one of the tools that has aided me along the road of short story writing, has been a plot outline that a friend shared with me. It’s been invaluable in helping me get to the point of the story without a lot of fluff and/or verbosity. Wait a second, ain’t fluff and verbosity one in the same? Yeah, ok, so add redundancy to the list as well.

Anyway, because it’s been so useful to me, I thought I’d share it with you. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, the outline comes from the infamous, master storyteller of all times….Dr. Jack Williamson.

Here’s the crux of the concept….

In a 3,000 word (or 12 page) story, for example, the beginning is about 750 words, the body about 1500 and the ending about 750 with resolution/validation taking no more than a few sentences. Thus you have the following outline:

BEGINNING (3 pages)
1. Main character
2. Disturbing situation (conflict)
3. Character’s story purpose
4. Hazards or difficulties
5. Assets essential to the ending

BODY (6 pages)
1. Attempts to achieve purpose (usually 2-3, increasing in difficulty)
2. Results (usually 2-3, commonly failures)
3. Black (or bright) moments

ENDING (3 pages)
1. New stimulus
2. Final conflict (one last attempt as above, usually succeeds.)

RESOLUTION/VALIDATION

So, there ya go. The perfect formula for the perfect short story and/or novel…..happy singin’ everyone!

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