The last few months have been particularly difficult for me as a writer. The Doubt Demons invaded.
Self-doubt is rooted in fear, and an author’s worst enemy. I’ve always been critical of my writing, I’ve always been afraid that what I’m writing isn’t good enough, that I’ll never get better, but I never doubted that I could write. I don’t believe in writer’s block as an insurmountable wall, but instead an excuse not to write.
Doubt isn’t writer’s block. Doubt is much, much worse.
“You let self-doubt get a hold of you, it’ll kill your work dead. You’ll stop in the middle of a project, then print the manuscript out for the sole purpose of urinating on its pages before glumly eating them.” – Chuck Wendig
I can attest to the truth of that statement. Every writer doubts. It’s par for the course, not just of writers but most artists. Not just of artists, but most human beings. We are creatures of doubt. The Doubt Demons landed on both shoulders and I listened. I knew I shouldn’t—I could tell myself anything trying to make me feel better. Read motivational books like THE WAR OF ART by Steven Pressfield. Remind myself that I am not alone, that every writer experiences bumps on the road, that some books are going to be harder than others, that if I just sit at the computer every day and write, I’ll finish the book.
But seeking confirmation that I’m not alone in self-doubt is another form of Resistance that Pressfield talks about so much. It’s justification for fear.
Chuck Wendig said on his blog:
“And doubt needs to go suck a pipe. Doubt needs to take a dirt-nap. And the way you do that is by finding your own way. By fostering your own confidence.
Because just as doubt is one of the writer’s greatest enemies … confidence is one of the writer’s most powerful friends.”
Great. Where do I go to regain my confidence?
I had to accept that I’m not the same person I was seven years ago when I sold my first book. Every book has changed me to some degree, some books more drastically than others. It’s the entire process—from writing to production to publication – that is another stepping stone in my career, and some of them are harder steps than others.
It’s easy for me to tell others to be confident and bold in their writing. It’s easy for me to say that self-doubt is evil, you can’t let it in, you have to work through the fear and keep writing.
Easy to say. Much, much harder to do.
“Self-doubt can be an ally. This is because it serves as an indicator of aspiration. It reflects love, love of something we dream of doing, and desire, desire to do it. … The real [innovator] is scared to death.” – Steven Pressfield, THE WAR OF ART.
Yep, that’s me, scared to death. But self-doubt as an ally? No effing way. I can’t do this again.
I had to understand why I was listening to the Doubt Demons. Because nothing I did to silence them was helping.
The last eighteen months have been a series of changes in my career. I changed agents, leaving one I had been with from the beginning of my career. My supernatural thriller series failed in a pretty big way. Then, I saw the writing on the wall with my publisher—my gut told me I needed to leave. I changed houses—fortunately on my own terms—landing with an editor who has a fabulous reputation and I was excited to be working with.
Except. After seventeen books with the same editorial team, I didn’t know if I could write for someone else. I had developed some lazy habits—such as sending off my rough draft, confident that I’d have time for revisions. I realized I shouldn’t do this to my new editor, that I needed to write a clean, perfect book. I desperately wanted to hit the book out of the ballpark. I wanted it to be the best book I’d ever written. I knew it had to be—and that’s when I killed my creativity.
Every scene was agony. I wrote and rewrote the opening dozens of times and hated every word. Not only was the story imperfect, it was total and complete garbage.
Delete. Start over. Again, and again, and again.
As my deadline neared, the story suffered. I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know how I was going to tie up all these threads, even in a crappy draft. I’d resigned myself into submitting a rough draft because I no longer had time finish and edit before I sent the book to my editor. I wrote every day, and night, for hours—sometimes staring at the computer so long I lost track of time. I easily wrote 5,000 words a day, but most of them I deleted the next day or a week later. I edited as I went, thinking my book would be clean. I ended up scrapping most of it. If I added up every word I wrote, I wouldn’t be surprised if I wrote over a million words to create this 100,000 word novel.
No one can write a clean, perfect book. Convinced that I had to, I had put an impossible goal in front of me.
Revisions were just as hard—if not harder. My editor gave me fantastic notes, but it was still a change in process. I was adjusting to a new style and I desperately wanted to please her. And again, even when I thought the story was working, my writing was sub-par. And every time she told me she liked it, I feared she was just being nice because we were crunched for time. I second-guessed every story decision I made.
In addition, I had the complications of writing a continuing series. How much backstory is too much? Not enough? Will series fans like the direction? Will new readers be lost? Are my characters growing? Is the conflict real? Why do I want to blow up the city and kill them all?
When I turned in the revisions—late—I was not happy with the book. I couldn’t see it. All my self-doubt weighed on me as I considered that maybe I had lost the touch.
Before I sold, I remember writing for the sheer joy of writing. I loved telling stories, and didn’t care whether they sounded good or whether scenes worked, I just wrote the stories as they came to me. My first four books never sold, nor should they have, but each one gave me many hours of pleasure in just their creation.
I had somehow lost that. The doubt, the panic, the fear had landed, and no inspirational motivator could bring it back. I wanted to throttle Steven Pressfield or burn my dog-eared copy of his book.
I forgot when I originally posted this blog in the wee hours of the morning, that there was one other big thing going on while I was writing SILENCED. My last book with Random House came out on 11.22. It was orphaned, they printed far less, didn’t print a burst on the cover to inform readers there was a bonus novella printed inside, it didn’t get on the shelves in stores when it was supposed to, and sales dipped because it wasn’t widely available. I couldn’t write anything worth saving during release week.
“That’s the horrible thing about self-doubt: it convinces us that our own failure is inevitable, an unavoidable recourse based on our own screaming lack of talent. But failure isn’t inevitable, and in fact failure is created by a fear of failure and by our certain uncertainty we possess about our own ability to succeed. Writers engineer their own failure with such grace and elegance it’s almost impressive. Remember: failure is not a foregone conclusion.” – Chuck Wendig
When I got the copyedits back, my worst fears were realized. The book was full of holes, shitty writing, and doubt. The doubt was spilled all over the page like zombie guts. Fortunately, the copyeditor was diligent in her queries and I painstakingly went through every page and edited extensively on paper. I deleted chunks, added scenes, cut repetition, and reworked sentences. This was my last chance—once these changes were made, the book would be going to reviewers and others, and I didn’t have time to wallow in self-doubt and self-pity.
I was so stressed about the copyedits, that after I overnighted the manuscript to New York, I made all the changes in my master copy and sent additional changes to my editor—problems that I hadn’t noticed the first time through.
I’m pretty certain the production people hate me by now. The copyedited manuscript was so marked up in green pencil (my preferred editing color) that they might have thought an alien had pissed all over it.
So I sent chocolate covered strawberries to buy their forgiveness.
I’m nervous about getting back the page proofs, my one last change to fix problems, but I can’t make major changes. I begged Toni to read the book because I honestly couldn’t see anything good—I had spent so much time writing this book, more hours than any other book I’ve written, I was sick of it.
After reading, Toni assured me it didn’t suck.
As Pressfield says in THE WAR OF ART:
“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows there is no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist.”
If being a dread-filled artist is a good thing, then I’m probably the best damn artist out there.
Laurie Halse Anderson said on her blog:
“The Demons of Doubt will always sit on your shoulders. Sorry. It’s a law of writing physics. You cannot banish them, but you can defang them.”
Which goes perfectly with Chuck Wendig’s advice on how to defang the Doubt Demons:
“You mustn’t be seduced by the callous whispers of the doubting monster at your back. To survive as a writer you must wheel on the beast, your sharpened pen at hand. Then you must spear him to the earth.”
I don’t know if understanding why the Doubt Demons invaded my muse is going to fix the problem, but I’m starting my next book. The doubt is still there, but I figure nothing can be worse than writing the last book.
Several years ago, I bought the audio book of ON WRITING. I don’t particularly like audio books, but Stephen King himself narrated it, and I listened to it while driving. It was like having the master himself sit in the passenger seat and talk to me. I’m a life-long King fan since reading THE STAND when I was 13. He, too, has doubts. He, too, almost gave up.
“Writing fiction, especially a long work of fiction, can be a difficult, lonely job; it’s like crossing the Atlantic Ocean in a bathtub. There’s plenty of opportunity for self-doubt. If I write rapidly, putting down my story exactly as it comes into my mind, … I find that I can keep up with my original enthusiasm and at the same time outrun the self-doubt that’s always waiting to settle in.”
I used to write like that—getting the story out as fast as my fingers could type, with great enthusiasm and an underlying joy.
With this book, I’m going to outrun the self-doubt. If I can’t? I’ll spear the monster dead.
I’m pretty certain he’ll come back to life.
I’m going to sharpen some more pencils.
Okay, so when I posted a comment about my son playing football, I had to post this picture showing the courage he had going up against bigger kids. He’s in purple on the right, the other little guy on the team is on the left. If they can face real monsters (and to them, I’m sure these kids looked like monsters!) I can face doubt demons.
Allison Brennan is a New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of nearly three dozen romantic thrillers and mysteries, including the Lucy Kincaid series and the Max Revere series. She lives in Northern California with her husband, five children, and assorted pets.
I think you’re way too hard on yourself and want to give you a hug. It must be have been so hard to go through all that. I’m glad self-doubt is a little better now. 🙂
I think it’s important to doubt yourself, so you can push yourself harder, but not up to the point where it paralyzes you with fear of failure. I’m a chicken. I’m terrified of failure and believe I’m kind of half way there, and kind of don’t try things. So,I admire you and people who kick fear and self-doubt in the teeth and keep on going.
I bet the next Lucy book is gonna be great!
And this… The copyedited manuscript was so marked up in green pencil (my preferred editing color) that they might have thought an alien had pissed all over it. <— made me laugh out loud!!!
ps: I know I owe you an email saying what I thought of IF I SHOULD DIE. I promise I'll send it. It's been busy around here! 🙂
Thanks Barbie — I’ll take your cyber hug!
Happy New Year, Allison,
WOW!!! Thank you. I think so many times when we share our struggles that it helps so many others and in turn we help ourselves by voicing it. It’s kinda like when you face the monster in the closet, you find it’s something you can deal with. Change also brings about fear.
In a crazy way I believe this doubt grounds us and keep us humble. And I believe the doubt makes us work that much harder to produce a better product.
That said, I believe this book of yours will be THE BEST book you’ve ever written. Seriously, I’ve been told I’m a bit psychic. Let’s see if they’re right. I hope so. And again, thank you for such an honest blog.
Dyanne
Thanks Dyanne! I’m okay with “it doesn’t suck” right now. I don’t know if it’s my best. Changing publishers was a lot harder than I realized, even though it’s exactly what I wanted and I landed exactly where I wanted.
I’ll never conquer the doubt demons. They are the undead. But maybe I can stave them off for awhile.
It took a lot to share that post. Thanks, Allison.
My first writing mentor told me “after you get published, you’ll have homework for the rest of your life.” Maybe you should consider this book the calculus homework from Hell (unless you’re good at calculus, but that was the class I actually dropped in college, admitting I was clueless).
I’m sure your next “assignment” will be a much easier one.
Terry
Terry’s Place
Hee — I flunked “physics for poets” — the literature major’s name for “Physics for Non-Science Majors.” Ironically, that class has set me up for my career — I flunked every homework assignment, but studied my ass off and got a B on the final. Only, that didn’t matter because I didn’t turn in homework, I flunked. It’s how I write — I have nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing — then work my ass off and it’s done.
Thanks for nailing exactly what goes through the head of a writer plagued by Doubt Demons. It feels good not to feel alone! Not that I wish your demons to linger…nor any writer’s. But realizing the universality of those buggers helps me stop wasting time in denial or in fighting back. This year I plan on dancing around them somehow–and maybe flipping them off, too. (grin)
I thought the same thing when Tess Gerritsen told about her struggles with writing. I was like, whew! But then … I thought, dammit, she’s so GOOD, I’m not half as good, and if she struggles, what hope is there for me?
Yeah, evil insidious little monster sucks the joy out of everything.
Doubt needs to take a dirt nap. Love it! Thanks for sharing this, Allison.
That quote I took from Chuck. I think I’m in love with him. 🙂
Wow. I’m sorry for what you’ve dealt with, Allison, but you’ll get through it! I have no doubt!
Thanks for putting this up. I’m a newbie writer (just signed my 1st contract last month) dealing with some doubts of my own and it’s helpful to know that successful writers still have doubts too.
Congrats on your new contract! One important lesson to learn (I didn’t learn it until after book 7 or 8) — it doesn’t get any easier. Once you accept that, you’ll recollect some of your sanity.
LOL! Thanks, Allison!
It’s always good to be reminded hat doubt is simply a human experience. And that mega-published authors are normal folks like the rest of us who are chugging along every day. Weirdest thing, my first two books will soon be out, and I find I’m more nervous than excited. I always figured I’d be really excited. But doubt can attack at any stage.
Good luck with outrunning the demons. I know when we first met, I was so impressed with your speed. I know you can do it!
Thanks so much Diane, and congrats on your books!
As far as speed … I’ve gotten to be a much slower writer. Too much analysis and doubt and stress slowed me down. I’m trying to regain my speed and go back to my previous process, but I don’t know if I can because when I see something not working, I KNOW it now almost immediately, hence the constant revisions.
*snort* — how on earth did you translate “extremely strong and well-written” to “it doesn’t suck?” Don’t make me come smack you upside the head.
I’ve come to the conclusion that self-doubt can actually be a positive tool. I know that seems to be my focus this year, but honestly, as rough as it’s been going through my own self-doubt, I can also look back and see that it makes me question myself brutally, doesn’t allow me to get lazy with my writing, doesn’t allow me to just churn out copies of what I did before. Instead, it forces me to take steps into the unknown, challenge my own beliefs, hold my work up to criticism so that I can learn and grow. Exuberantly confident people are often those exact same people who have loads of flaws but are blind to them, because they never have doubt, they never examine anything closer, so they never improve–even when they have raw talent there, begging to be challenged.
Think of Doubt not as the enemy, but as just one more tool in the toolbox. Put it into perspective. [You’ve helped me do that at least a thousand times!]
Thanks Toni 🙂 I like “It doesn’t suck.” Then I don’t get my hopes up.
I want to challenge myself more and move beyond my comfort zone, which I did with this book that made me suffer. But I think the fear and doubt came more from the unknown–new editor, new agent, new process–and my own stupid belief that I had to write a perfect book out of the gate. It was debilitating.
Thanks for the reminder to use the doubt and not let it win.
Though I like the idea of playing with guns and knives and torturing the evil little monster.
“Outrun the self-doubt” – Yep. That pretty much sums up my first draft style. Because if I stop to think about whether my work is good at any point along the way of getting it on paper, I get so squirmy I never finish. I start the next book and try not to think about how much the last book sucked. (Even if it didn’t.)
Other people telling you how awesome you are doesn’t always help – even though you are awesome – so I’ll just give you some virtual :hugs: and a wish for this phase to pass soon.
Thanks for the virtual hug!
I love Stephen King. I re-read a huge chunk of ON WRITING last night after I found that quote, reminding me that he had his ups and downs too. And he still had doubt about this book after he wrote it. And he still uses readers and an editor.
Thank you!
Welcome!
Brave post, Allison! I think all writers go through this. It’s how you respond to the self-doubt that will set you apart.
I’m going to have to go get Stephen King’s ON WRITING on audio. I didn’t know he narrated it himself. Thanks for the tip!
It’s totally worth listening to, Laura.
Adding another bit of writerly encouragement today. Here is a tweet I saw this a.m. from the amazing Patricia Cornwell:
Staff at med examiner’s office decorate my desk after POSTMORTEM accepted for publication in 2/1989. #dontgiveup http://twitpic.com/83gm8f
This post really hit home for me today. I find self-doubt paralyzing–it tends to stop me from writing at all. So the fact that you’re getting back in the saddle and starting the next book is very inspiring!! Go Allison!
Thanks Louisa! I’m glad to say good-bye to 2011.
A very powerful and moving and informative post, Allison. One of your very best. Thank you SO much for sharing this with us.
Writing is the hardest job I’ve ever done. It’s given me the most joy, the most headaches…the demons of doubt plague me too, and trust me that’s frequently.
The fact you recognized you’d gotten complacent with your writing style? Relying on others to get you where you want the book to be? That speaks VOLUMES about how invested you had to become with your career AGAIN.
You are an amazing person, a huge inspiration to me, and a fantastic writer. You’ve prodded me this morning to just slip on that doubt demon slaying sword this morning and hack through the bullshit that’s keeping me from finishing a project.
You inspire me, too Lori. You juggle two publishers and three kids and I know kids don’t get easier just because they grow up! (Karin taught me that.)
Sometimes, we just need a sharper sword.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words. I hope you kill those Doubt Demons, and I’ll return to find out how to slay them. I self-edit to death, but I wrote one book I thought would never sell because of the subject matter, and I wrote it just for me. It sold–my first full length novel in print. Not to a big house, but I was proud of this little one that was never meant to be!
Linda, I’m proud of you too. I think we should all first write to please ourselves. It gets harder to do that because of expectations–reader expectations, editor expectations, agent expectations–but if we can’t please ourselves, how can we please anyone else?
Allison, you are a writer and person whom I have always admired for your ferocious mix of talent and savvy. Reading this post, I felt your pain, as I also had a difficult year completing my current novel due to some stressful domestic circumstances, and dealt with many of the same creative issues you described. I, too, pulled out Stephen King to jumpstart my creative flow – and I remember the bathtub quote resonated with me, as well.
We need to do coffee!
But in the meantime, I think your actions have illustrated how you defanged the self-doubt monster. Everyday you forced yourself to produce through the doubt, and ultimately, you delivered — despite the weight on your shoulders. You are always an inspiration, and always so generous with sharing your own journey.
Here’s to a much easier 2012 for you!
Thanks so much Pamela — and I’m hoping that 2012 is easier for you, too. I have been blessed with health and a healthy family, and I remember that when writing seems insurmountable. The kids keep me humble.
Thanks for this brave blog, Allison – as an new writer (unpub, non-submitted), I face these kinds of doubt a lot. It’s good to know that I’m not alone.
Thanks Vanessa — and get cracking on submissions! 🙂
OMG. I needed this. Thank you for writing this and for being so open about your struggles. It makes it a bit easier to ignore the confidence-sucking monster.
You know me Edie! I’ve always had ups and downs in confidence. Wish there was a happy medium. But as I watch my daughter, an extremely talented artist, experience all the same doubts and struggles even though she is AMAZING at 15, I realize it’s something in the creative soul that is constantly questioning our creation.
Thank you for putting this in words. Writing is solitary. We feel like we’re all alone. But really, we share so much, like your Doubt Demons. I’m printing this article out to reread the next time these bastards come calling.
I’m putting the audio for On Writing on my birthday with list!
Thanks Melinda! And you won’t regret listening to the audio version. I missed many exits while it was in my car …
Wow, Allison! Thank you for this post. Your latest experience is a mirror image of mine. I’ve never had such a hard time with a book. Admittedly, I’ve only written six, but that sixth one was a doozy.
Like you, I started and restarted countless times. I scrapped thousands of words over and over, and eventually I ran out of time and was forced to send in my rough draft.
A few days later, my editor called me. She never calls me about revisions, so I knew it would probably not be good. Her first question? “Was this book hard for you to write.” I almost broke down. I told her it was the hardest thing I’ve ever written in my life. She said, “It shows.” She wasn’t trying to be mean, but honest. It did show. I knew that. She knew that.
Sadly, we had to put it aside in favor of a book coming out in the fall. As soon as this one is completed, I will go back to the other. I get heart palpitations just thinking about it, but I’m also excited. Her brilliant suggestions will save that puppy, as long as i can pull it off on the page.
Thanks so much for this post! ~D~
You’ll be able to pull it off.
It doesn’t matter how many books you’ve written, 6 or 16. SILENCED was #18 (or, #22 if we count the four books I never sold.) #18 was as hard as #2. (The first book is always the easiest, IMO, because there are no expectations before you’ve sold.)
That is so true! I’ve never thought of it that way. As I was writing this book, I asked myself why that first book was so much easier. DUH!
Allison, you are an amazing writer and storyteller, so to read about your journey with doubt is reassuring for me…to know that I’m not alone. I could relate with all of the horrible feelings of doubt and wanting to blow up the fictional city in your book and be done with it.
I will be saving this post. I love all the quotes, too. Thank you so much for sharing. I bet this book will be your absolute best! Can’t wait to read it. Good luck wtih outrunning the doubt demons on your current wip.
My fictional city was Washington DC … I just didn’t want to put that in writing anywhere! 🙂
Thanks Theresa!
Thanks, Allison, for having the courage to share your journey along the road of the successful author. It’s incredibly powerful for me to see the fantasy I live in around what it is like once I may gain big successes. It’s all made up, all interpretation for me and I see in the end all that matters is the experience of writing – whether I love it or hate it. Sometimes I hate it for sure – but when I love it, nothing else matters.
I know exactly how you feel, Judi! 🙂 And I love it more than I hate it. And I don’t think I’ve ever hated writing. Sometimes, it’s just much, much harder than it should be.
Thank you, Allison, for this heartfelt blog. Your books are wonderful and it’s reassuring to know everyone faces doubts to some degree. Love the quotes and will keep a sharpened pencil handy for spearing. All the best in 2012.
Thanks so much Bev!
Damn doubt demon. He is a constant lurker isn’t he? Always watching. Always waiting. I, for one, am taking your advice and sharpening my pencils.
We should buy stock in pencils. And industrial strength sharpeners 🙂
what a fantastic post, allison, and kudos to you for talking about this in public. It’s a discussion that so many of us need to hear – not just once, but over and over and over again.
And wow…you and Chuck Wendig in one headspace – it’s like nuclear fusion 🙂
LOL Sophie — I love his blog. LOVE it. He is blunt and funny and real. He makes so much sense, and I sometimes need the two-by-four. 🙂
Hi Allison,
Just had to come out of lurkdom to tell you how much your honesty helps. I am not yet published, and the self-doubt is always there.
Your quotes were perfect. That you had the guts to tell it like it is, makes me realize what the journey is all about–the reason I sit day after day–for the way it makes me feel. I belong there. Writing. Telling stories.
Whatever might come of it.
But now I see that published or not, it’s not much different. Do it for you.
For that I thank you.
I’m so glad you pulled something from the blog! Keep writing 🙂
OMG.
Allison, this is so beautiful, so from the heart, that it made me cry.
Thanks for capturing the fear of failure in our process so eloquently.
And by the way, you use the same eloquence in how you write your books, too.
Thanks Josie … and welcome to MSW! We can all now share new neuroses!! 🙂
OMG! Once we open THAT can of worms, there is NO. LOOKING. BACK.
You are my idol,
: )
J
Amazing post, Allison! Thank you for sharing it with us all! Not only did your words relate to my own writing woes but all you say is true of life in general. Self doubt can be a helluva nasty beast and it’s not about putting the beast down but about taming it. In whatever ways we can. =)
Taming the beast. Hmm. I kinda like the idea of stabbing him in the gut 🙂
Wow! What an honest post, and you’re remarkable to share this. I’m not published, but I’ve been told I need to get off the doubt train myself. No way am I comparing my journey to yours, but just to read how you are working through this is inspirational, because you aren’t quitting–and that’s huge.
It doesn’t matter where you are in your career, everyone’s doubts and fears are valid, and everyone needs the tools to defeat them … over and over.
My 7 year old son wanted to quit football. He LOVED it during conditioning week when they ran around in shorts and did drills, but as soon as he put on the equipment, he hated it. HATED it. He wanted to quit. I wouldn’t let him. I told him Brennan’s aren’t quitters. He also was one of the smallest kids on the team. He asked to quit every day. I didn’t let him, even when other moms let their kids quit. He didn’t play much (just the minimum) and he REALLY hated getting up at 530 am for away games.
Then last night, he was looking at his medal. (They got First runner-up — almost went all the way) and said, “Mom, I’m really proud of this medal.” And I told him he earned it.
Thanks for sharing your struggle, Allison. Sorry you had to go through such agony, but your story encourages all of us.
Hope you love the page proofs and have terrific sales!
I hope you’re right! Thanks for the vote of confidence! 🙂
I think all authors stress over things and are way to hard on themself. Just relax and let it flow. Stressing over things is not good on us and we all do it.
Yep. Stress is bad. I can tell myself to relax, but it’s not always easy to do it.
I try!
You know, I forgot one thing to add to this blog … during all this–the writing struggle and the doubt–I had my last book with Random House come out. It was orphaned, they printed far less, it didn’t get on the shelves in stores when it was supposed to, and sales dipped because it wasn’t wisely available. I couldn’t write anything worth saving during release week.
wisely=widely. :blush:
Allison,
Even going through tough times, you continue to support other writers with your amazing honesty and candor.
I have learned so much from your posts on various blogs and listserves over the years.
I wish I could somehow repay by offering you some support and help during this challenging patch in your career. All I can do is send positive vibes (and buy more books 🙂 ). I hope you have lots of love and support around you.
You will emerge triumphant — persistence and talent will prevail!!
Sheri
I’m so glad you like my blog. Murder She Writes has been here for more than 6 years now — amazing, I know! It amazes me sometimes :/ … I like the listservs because I’m an extrovert and I need to talk to people. I’ve been on them since joining RWA in early 2003. I need the human connection, even if it’s through cyberspace!
I watched you struggle, tried to be encouraging and remind you that in the end your books are always well written, but you weren’t listening. I always said the change in editor and agent is what made you second guess yourself. To me you are the best…and will always rise to the top in everything you do.
Thanks Mom 🙂 … There were a lot of things going on that contributed to the struggle, not just one thing. Having the orphaned book was hard, too.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. I am often plagued with doubt and it means a lot to know an author I admire and respect can also suffer from doubt. The idea that really hit home (paraphrasing from Chuck Wendig) is that self doubt makes us think failure is a foregone conclusion.
And IT’S NOT!!!
I really love Chuck’s blog. He’s blunt, can be crude, but he speaks the truth, and sometimes we all need to be hit over the head with it.
A beautiful post. I too spent much of the last year struggling. It wasn’t until I forced myself to put the blinders on and write as fast and furious as I could that I rediscoved the sheer joy of putting words on paper. The best part was learning to listen to my instincts again. I wish you luck in outrunning the demons. I’m sure you’ll prove to be a better sprinter than you ever imagined.
In King’s book ON WRITING he talked about having a small desk facing the wall. The only problem with that for me is that if I face the wall, my back is to the door, and I’ll be creeped out 🙂 … but I do have a small desk (though big computer.)
However, his point is well taken. Focus on the writing, and you can’t do it if you’re looking out the window.
What I’ve learned – a writer is the absolute worst judge of their own work. Step out of the way and get it written. So many times I have set novels aside at the 60-page mark (60 pages is my evil demon number of doom) because I was certain it didn’t work. Months later I would go back, read through, and wonder what the heck I thought was wrong with it.
My problem is always the beginning of the second act, around page 125. I go back and rewrite, rewrite, rewrite and the beginning is always my weakest part of the book (not good to be weak at the beginning!) Once I get past 125, I’m usually okay. This book was an exception, however, as every scene was hell. But it’s DONE. Yeah!
Allison, I so needed to read this today. I’m doing the query letter merry-go-round again and self-doubt was biting me in the backside. I think I thought once I sold one book it would all get magically easy. Yeah, right.
Sorry you had such a rough, awful time but think of what a great workshop or keynote speech it will be in the future!!
Thanks Jill — Maybe I will make it a workshop someday. “Let me suffer for you, because I’m going to do it anyway … ” 🙂
Wow. Full of honesty. I’m “pre-published” and quite frankly, this post both scares the hell out of me and reassures me. Hugs and love!
Hi Misty … writing is both scary and exciting! Welcome to the real world 🙂
I Think my struggle with writing is the burden of being a perfectionist; you know-that individual who’s obsessed with punctuation accuracy, and yet finds himself not very good at it; well that’s me. I’ve been searching hi and low for a good punctuation workbook, and found that’s straight forward and simple; one that isn’t all over the place… Punctuation is what I most fear in my writing; along side a great story. 🙂
Write the great story, then get a book like ELEMENTS OF GRAMMAR by by Shrunk & White. It also might benefit you to take a community college class. Good luck! The story is definitely first, and the hardest, to master. Anyone can learn grammar.
Please excuse the errors in my first post… Thanks.
Thank you for posting this, Allison. Like several others who aren’t pubbed yet, I don’t know if this is comforting or scary as heck. If even you can go through this…well, what hope is there for the rest of us? But of course, you perservered. I, too, have had a fight with the doubting demons. Began the end of 2010 and ran through most of 2011. I blamed it on my lack of time as I was my local chapter pres (which I loved doing). My theme for the monthly newsletters was “Keeping On, Keeping On,” writing to myself as much as the members. Thankfully, I have cranked out new words for book 6.
The whole writing process is such a convoluted, personal experience. Yes, we learn from others. (Ditto to others’ comments on your generosity on various loops and in blogs. Amazing the time you share with newbies in the field!) But we also have to find our own way, believe in our own writing if we want others to believe.
You’ve clearly found what works for you–evidence in all your wonderful pubbed books. I think you suffered a crises of circumstance, Allison. The circumstance has changed. You’ll never write the first book for this editor again. I predict you won’t ever have this bad an experience in the future. (Unless you change people again–but even still you learned from this time: you can survive and more than survive–excell.)
Way too long on my part, but I’m making up for the two times I’ve met you in person at conferences and stuttered and stammered, because I’m such a fan. Thanks for sharing with us and may 2012 be the best ever.
Thanks so much Marsha!
I think one thing I try to tell new writers is to never, never assume that you know the situation of any other writer, published or unpublished. Perception is not always accurate.
With creativity, we have different experiences–as different as our unique voices. It doesn’t surprise me that creative people tend to have addictive personalities and get hooked on drugs–creativity in and of itself is addictive. Add to that the stress of the business, the challenge of creating something new and better and different (yet the same!), meeting expectations, knowing you have to exceed expectations often, all this and more … and it’s a recipe for disaster if you can’t wrestle the fears into something manageable.
Writing is also very isolating — which is why you see me in cyberspace a lot. Partly because I’m an extrovert and need the inter-personal connection, and partly because I’m a big procrastinator. :/
You have given me my theme for the year: “Spear the Monster.” I am going to spear the monster with my writing and trust myself to just get the words out. At the gym I will visiualize spearing the monster as I get myself into better shape. I’m going to spear the monster (waves) this summer and learn how to surf. Thank you so much for this post. And thank you for the hours of reading entertainment I have gotten from reading your books. You rock Allison! Now, go write with enthusiam and joy.
Maybe it should be the motto for all of us! I definitely am keeping it front and center for me. I want to write something completely out of my comfort zone … it’s going to take time and energy and I can’t be late on my contracted books. A challenge. But one I want very badly.
Thanks, Allison. Your blog was right on time. Where’s my pen, let me defang that f—-
ROFLOL!
oh Allison, I could never in a million years have imagined someone as prolific as you would suffer/stress out like that! We love your books!
and although it might not be the best time to mention this, Pressfield has a new book just out titled “Do The Work” which includes:
“…..a section called ‘Belly of the Beast”
LOL
I so hope this next one is easier on you, because reading your books is always a great way to spend time!
Christy
PS Re: Supernatural Line – I do always wonder when an author ventures outside of their initial genre if that’s a personal choice or someone else’s idea — because publishing always tells writers, “not to attempt to predict the market” and yet, it seems they try to do that very thing. Or, is moving outside one’s initial published genre always the author’s choice?
I have Pressfield’s new book, but I don’t like it as much. It’s very repetitive of THE WAR OF ART, though more detailed (and a lot of filler, IMO) … but I’ll look at that chapter.
re: my supernatural thriller series. I wanted to write it. I came up with the idea before I ever sold my first book, and was actually in the middle of writing the first book when I sold THE PREY and put the deadly sins series aside. So, it’s been something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. There were a lot of reasons it didn’t do well, but I think 1) I should have taken a pen name; 2) they should have been marketed as urban fantasy with dark, suspenseful covers; 3) I should have done one a year (which was what I originally wanted.) I love writing the series LOVE IT, but don’t know how I’m going to finish it. I want to. Though those books didn’t sell as well as my romantic thrillers or Lucy books, I get more email about them than my others books–even now, a year after the series was cancelled.
One benefit of writing those books is that I was getting burned out writing romantic thrillers, particularly trilogies. I needed a break, I needed the opportunity to do something different. Creatively, those books rekindled my love of storytelling.
Allison what a wonderful blog on self doubt. I was sure you never had that demon stalking you as your books are so great. Keeo pushing and stabbing them away and keep the great stories coming. HUGS from Texas to California. As An author you rock.
Thanks Kathy. I feel your hug! Hugs back.
Wow. Thank God I’m not alone out here battling the self doubt demon. Thanks for this Allison. I felt bad for you with every word and thought = man – that’s me! No change in editor, no change in agent, no change in publishers BUT it still resonates. Ending a long standing series, starting a new one, wondering if I can keep up the status quo. I’m copying some of these quotes and taping them on the sides of my monitor so I can read them every day!
And much luck, sweetie. I KNOW this next book will be much smoother for you.
Big hug to Cindy! Another NYT bestselling author who feels the weigh of the monster on her back. It’s not just me! Whew. 🙂
I know what you mean about quotes — I need to remind myself all the time.
Allison, add my name to the list of writers who appreciate your sharing your struggles with self-doubt. I read somewhere that you’re supposed to name your doubt demon–so you can personalize that order to sod off, and visualize the demon doing just that. I am sorry you’re struggling in such an extreme way–but maybe you could look at is as you’re just searching for a better process. Anyway, I hope you spear that demon right through the heart! On the plus side, you’re setting an awesome example for your kids. Big hugs.
Name him? Ugh. I don’t think I’m allowed to say those words around my kids. They’re already warped and know too much about murder, crime scenes, and dead bodies … LOL.
Thanks for a great post – honest and real. I’m pre-pubbed and can identify with every word you said about doubt. Who would have figured? the next time those demons jump on my shoulder I’m going to take charge and write. just write.
thanks for the help
Thanks Louise — keep some lethally sharpened pencils handy!
Sharpen that pencil and stab that SOB!!! You’ll get him one way or another!!
Good Luck 🙂
Thank you! Love the imagery 🙂
Allison,
That picture of your son is so cute.
I had a similar experience with the doubt demons in my first traditionally published nonfiction book, The Essential Guide to Grief and Grieving. I had a 5 month deadline, and I’d never written to a deadline before, certainly not one so tight. I also got feedback from the “committee” after I turned in my sample chapter that they wanted a lighter tone. How the heck do I write a lighter tone about GRIEF! I had several meltdowns in the first couple months and had to dig deep and use every technique I knew to slay the demons. After I turned the book in, I decided not to ever read it because I’d probably be embarrassed because it might not be good. Much to my surprise when I first saw it in the store (and started crying) I opened it to read a bit, and couldn’t stop. It was good! I’m getting fantastic reviews.
Like always, when I struggle with the doubt demons, I have to remind myself that they are in my head. I’M MAKING THEM UP. They are the flip side of being a writer because they come from my vivid imagination (and my desire to be practically perfect.) And if I let them, they will stifle my creativity and motivation.
Hopefully, you’ve laid your demons to rest, although unfortunately they’ll wake up from time to time. But each time you put them back to sleep, they become less powerful.
A lighter book on grieving? Wow. What a tall order. Good for you getting it down even with the doubt demons on attack.
And you are a kind soul. You put the demons to sleep? I want to brutally slaughter them. 🙂
I just found your books the end of November and finished all but the Seven Deadly Sins books by New Years Eve. I loved them all. You have the exact style of writing that I love to read. I thought that If I Should Die was a great suspense. You should feel proud of it. I love the Lucy Kincaid series and all of the Kincaids. I just finished Original Sin today and loved it. I really hope that you will be able to continue the series. No more doubt demons. This is from someone that has almost read every book you have written in 2 months and I’m already feeling sad that I’m almost done! Good luck:)
Melanie, thank you so much! I’m thrilled you enjoy my books, enough to glom onto them in two months.
I hope to finish the Seven Deadly Sins series, too. I know the over-arching series mystery, but that’s it … I want to find out what happens. I have a couple chapters of MORTAL SIN done (before it was canceled) but need to think long and hard about this because it’s a big time commitment.
I will always write. I just don’t want it to be as hard and stressful as it was with the last book.
Thanks so much for visiting the blog!
Thank you for the honest, touching blog. A virtual hug on it’s way!
I love all the hugs! Keep them coming 🙂
Just looking at the photograph makes ME feel like I should be braver & bolder.
I think we all can be braver and bolder. I think of what other people have faced — real tragedy — and tell my doubts to go jump in a lake, because my family is healthy and we still have our house. My troubles are internal, the common fears of all writers.
Thanks, Alison, for your words of wisdom. As a first time novelist with a little house and an even smaller book, I suffer the same slings of fear and arrows of doubt each day. “Will I sell a book?” “Is my story worth reading?” “Will anyone see how hard I tried?” All the while knowing trying is trying, and succeeding is succeeding, and isn’t it sometimes pathetic to try so hard and fail? Then I look at the picture of your son up against those monsters, and remember my own small son facing Type 1 diabetes every day, and they make me know I can face down the silly demons I let tap dance atop my courage. Those boys and this beautiful post, your honesty, and the friendly writer from RWA, Alison Stone, who pointed me this way. Thank you.
Ann, thank you for sharing the story about your son! Our kids are amazing, aren’t they? They deal with so much just growing up and some with added challenges. We can conquer our fears because we have to set the example for them.
Good luck with your book!
About this: “As far as speed…I’ve gotten to be a much slower writer. Too much analysis. I’m trying to regain my speed and go back to my previous process, but I don’t know if I can because when I see something not working, I KNOW it now almost immediately, hence the constant revisions.”
I’m a debut author with this speed syndrome! I swear I’d be happy dancing if I could get to 2,500 good words a day!
I often return home psychologically crushed from RWA meetings where the guest author tells us how she can knock out a bestseller in eight weeks.
I believe these women mean well, “…See, you too can someday bang out five books a year, just like me…” But I am not inspired by that kind of super writer talk.
The most refreshing writer’s post I’ve read in months. Thank you!
Jillian, one thing I learned (especially recently) is that EVERY WRITER has a different process. Some writers can NOT write more than one book a year (two terrific authors–Susan Anderson and Lisa Gardner) write one book a year. Anymore would kill them.
Just like I don’t criticize speed demons who can write 3 or more books a year (and I can write 3 books a year, but that’s the max) I don’t criticize authors who honestly need a year. It doesn’t make fast authors better, or slow authors better — I love JD Robb and I love Lisa Gardner. JD Robb (Nora Roberts) writes 5-6 NEW books a year. Lisa writes one. Both are fabulous.
We have to be true to ourselves. We have to know what we can do — and push ourselves to do just a little bit more, but don’t kill ourselves in the process.
I can write 10,000 words in a day. They’re not very good. I no longer set daily word goals. I set time goals. I need to commit to writing X hours a day, every day. Some days I get 1,000 words, some days more. But my goal now is to keep moving FORWARD and revise when it’s done.
Most people with advice mean well. They WANT to help you succeed, and they know what works FOR THEM, but it might not work for you. That’s why I love listening to other people’s processes, but in the end, I can take what works for me and disregard the rest.
Sorry that I missed this post until now…
Allison, what a wonderful post. When terrific authors like you share their struggles with such obvious sincerity, I can almost hear the bell ringing for another angel who just got its wings 🙂
You did a lot of good today…oops, yesterday.
Hi Allison – thanks for writing about this. I just shared the link on my Facebook page because I think it’s an important topic, something all writers can relate to. Good luck with the next book – I’m sure you’ll slay it 🙂
Oh, Allison, I see myself in every word of this blog! Don’t we all? Self doubt whispers to us all the time, and it’s so hard to quiet it long enough to get anything done. If anyone figures out how to hush the demons of doubt, PLEASE write a book about it! It’d be a bestseller. No doubt about it.
What a heartfelt post – see how many of us it has spoken to, so directly?
I think what may be the big shocker is realizing that the self-doubt of authors early in their careers merely morphs into the self-doubt of writing each story, which is always the same blank canvas.
The arts – not for wimps, that’s for darn sure.
Great post, Allison. It really spoke to where I am right now. Thank you for reminding me of the Stephen King quote. I need to get out my copy of THE WAR OF ART.
A-fucking-men.
Thank you so much for your honest blog about your fears and doubts. I had the same battle this past weekend. Not published yet, but fear and doubt and frankly anger were raging through me. I wanted to quit. But I just won’t quit. I don’t want to stop writing. I love when you said “no one can write a perfect clean draft.” I needed that one.
Wishing you all the best with the new book. And write fast! You’ve reminded me that I have to trust my process and cleaning up after I write it is so much easier.
🙂
Allison,
Doubt gets the best of all of us and it’s not just tied to writing. Every time I do a project for someone I’m always concerned that they’ll think it SUCKS. But they never do. They always love it.
I’ve been reading a biography on Steven Spielberg and his career has been shadowed in self-doubt. He’s directed some real bombs (1941 anyone?), yet in-spite of that fact, he’s responsible for several of the highest grossing films of all time.
I think we just need to be confident, maybe even a little cocky about what we do and toss doubt to the side. We’re always harshest on ourselves and hopefully it makes you feel better knowing that you’re not alone.
One of my favorite quotes (although most look at me like I’ve grown a second head when I quote it) is: “Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have to set yourself on fire.”
Which you’ve clearly done. Doubt is natural and keeps us honest but should be taken with a “grain of salt.”
Allison,
Just when I thought I couldn’t respect you any more, you share something so raw and honest with us.
I’m sorry you had troubles with the release of the last book, and I can’t imagine how stressful it was, combined with switching editors, but a selfish part of me is grateful to hear even the pros struggle with self-doubt. It’s the demon any creative person (and probably anyone in general) fights, but I think you’re doing the right thing by pushing through. And remembering WHY you started writing in the first place. I’ve experienced the walls you mentioned any time I get tied up in a plot hole, or a query rejection, and it’s so easy to start looking at writing a book as a task instead of a privilege.
Thank you for reminding us of this, and good luck with the new book. I know you’ll overcome the fear, and you have many more successes in you:)
Thank you! It’s been almost 3 weeks since I’ve even had the nerve to look at my WIP. That was just what I needed.
Thank you Thank you THANK YOU! When an author of your level is so open and honest about this, it’s like a gift to us still struggling along.
It’s scary, yet reassuring, that the doubt demon never leaves. But that just means I have to figure out a way to make life work with it along!
Thanks for an amazing post!
Thank you for the wonderful blog!!!
I love LOVE writing! I have so much fun with it, but once I hit send to my editor, the doubt-demons SCREAM in my ears that the book is crap.
Each week that passes and i haven’t heard from her yet, the monsters whisper “She can’t figure out how to tell you it sucks.”
Ugh!
But it’s nice to know I’m not alone… 🙂
And I hope the words pour out for the next book!!! You can definitely outrun the demons…
Your son is a HUGE hero by the way! Wow!
Lisa
Thank you for posting this. I’m really sorry to hear how difficult this process was for you, but I am grateful you shared this.
I hope this blog post was somewhat cathartic for you. Let it be your exorcism, because it should have been. It’s value to the rest of us out here experiencing our own Doubt Demon is a gift and a relief.
Those of us struggling to get where you are in a writing career can read this and say, if she can do it under that kind of pressure, surely I can muddle through too.
Thanks!
Wow thank you so much for this post. As an unpublished writer with 6 books under by belt doubt has settled on me like a heavy wet blanket and the chill is now in my bones. This was truly inspiring. I’ll be reading it over and over again.
Allison, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. You’ve really encouraged me to keep going. I have a work-in-progress that needs some edits. I’ve avoided doing them for some months now because I don’t want to face my crappy writing. Reading your words today, though, I realize that facing bad word choices, plot holes, and all the other stuff is part of the job.
Oh, I put Silenced on my Kindle list. It looks good.
Thank you for sharing your struggle with the Doubt Demons. I’ll sharpen some more pencils, too. Brava!
~Deb
Oh my dear…weeping as I read this. Were we Siamese twins separated at birth? Reinventing yourself hurts like a bastard (voice of experience, my dear) but you WILL do it and your books WILL be read/loved because you’re just–that–good. Not just saying this. Itz da truth. So sorry you’ve gone through such a wringer. Sending cyber hugs!
Someone tweeted a link to this post today, and I am so glad I followed it. Thank you for sharing.