Yes, there is a new TOTLANDIA book due next month. (Number 3, The Onesies, Spring, fyi; I’m in edits on it now.)

And yes, the next in the HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN series will be out in March! (RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL GUIDE, which got its start as a short story in Murder She Write’s Guns and Roses anthology. You can read an excerpt here. I’m almost done writing it, and it’s got LOTS of deadly fun!)

So that I can keep scribbling, this post will be short and sweet, and on one of my favorite topics (and I’m guessing yours, too):

Women we love to hate.

Or in this case, the mean girls of television.

The last few seasons have brought us some real bee-hatches. They stir up trouble for all the other characters. They do all the wrong things, for all the wrong reasons.

And they have the best lines, and the best scenes. Heck, if I were an actress, I’d want there roles.

Or to paraphrase Jessica Rabbit, “I’m not bad. I’m just written that way.”

Here are my top three choices for the ladies we love to hate:

No. 3: Mrs. O’Brien, Downton Abbey (PBS)
(Played by Siobhan Finneran)

Who the heck does she think she is?
By channeling one of the most sinister servants in novels, Rebecca‘s Mrs. Danvers, viewers see how two-faced a supposedly loyal servant can really be.

Why, she’s so bad, she…
When she wrongly suspects her kind mistress, Lady Cora, will be trading her in for a newer model, she leaves the soap on the floor of the bathtub, causing Cora to slip and miscarriage.

Who will take her on:
Her former BFF, now sworn enemy, Thomas, the valet, who could is even creepier than she is.

She said WHAT???”
“I’m sorry but I have standards. And if anyone thinks I’m going to pull my forelock and curtsey to this Mister Nobody from Nowhere…”

AND:
“Oh, there will be blood on the stairs.”

Potential for a Catfight: 50% (Even British servants are genteel.)

No. 2: Juliette Barnes, of NASHVILLE (ABC)
(Played by Hayden Panettiere)

Who the heck does she think she is?
Nashville latest country crossover pop tart. ‘Tween girls want to be her, and all men want to screw her. Think Britney in her “Oops! I Did It Again” heyday, if she were a country singer with sexy pipes and a naughty body.

Why, she’s so bad, she…
…won’t let her drug-addicted mother live with her, let alone give her any help…until she’s shamed into paying for the poor woman’s rehab. Not only that, she beds Deacon Claybourne, the lead guitarist of her arch rival, Rayna Jaymes’s band, and tries to convince him to leave Rayna to go on the road with her.

Who will take her on:
The beloved and kind-hearted Rayna, of course…after they write a few songs and go on tour together, to save their floundering careers.

She said WHAT???
“Don’t be fooled by the shiny exterior. I’m more than meets the eye.”

Also:
“That’s the problem with being on top. It’s that people aren’t just waiting for you to fall, they’re trying to cause you to.”

And let’s not forget:
“I don’t have friends. I have people who want to be seen with me.”

Potential for a catfight: 88% (with Rayna, of course…)

No. 1: Victoria Grayson of REVENGE (ABC)
(Played by Madeline Stowe)

Who the heck does she think she is?
The matriarch of a Hamptons-based Madoff-like family, she framed an innocent man–who was also the illicit love of her life — with the crime of funding terrorists, in order to save her husband, his money, and her lifestyle.

Why, she’s so bad, she…
…had  her son beat up in his prison holding cell. Granted, her motive was to get him an early release, but still!

Who will take her on:
Emily Thorne, a.k.a., Amanda Clarke, the daughter of David, the man Victoria framed. With the trust fund left to her by her father, Emily seduced Victoria’s son.

She said WHAT???
“All men are born hardwired to betray, it’s just a question of when.”

Potential for a catfight: 100% (With Emily, of course!)

 Did I miss someone? Let me know your favorite TV lady to hate, and why you do, for a chance to win a copy of THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK (Book 1)!