 | 21 Jul 10 |
I’m in complete awe of Deb’s beautiful home renovations, so much so that I took a look around our place and started wondering if I ought to go searching for a paint brush. (It definitely helped when I saw that photo of her sweet beagle. As a fellow beagle owner, I consoled myself with the thought that no one who owns one of these stubborn, willful animals can be that much of a perfectionist – a few overturned trash cans cure that impulse fast!)
This little bout of house envy reminded me of something someone reminded me of at the National RWA conference a couple of years ago, and since we’re sharing tips this week, I thought it would make a good contribution:
“Everyone’s journey is different.”
This thought originates with my friend Lisa Hughey, who is very patient, since she has to remind me of it over and over again. Years ago, it was in context of raising our kids. Children do everything at their own pace, and they aren’t particularly bothered by it; it takes the interference of an adult to introduce the idea that they “should” be walking at a certain age, or talking or potty training or sharing or memorizing the alphabet. Babies don’t judge themselves inadequate because they roll over or grasp objects or say “dada” later than their peers.
I wish that we were all able to maintain that same sense of contentment about our adult lives. Especially us writers. We start by loving our craft, by finding joy in the words. As we start to pursue publication, we learn about the steps in the journey and how long they typically take, and we begin to compare ourselves to others. We discover that the average author writes for x years before publication, or submits y queries, or completes z manuscripts – and if we take longer, we begin to consider ourselves failures.
(Just as dangerously, if it takes us less time, we may start to believe we have something special – a lucky star or a particular gift – which sets us up for disappointment later.)
My journey was a long one, but I was lucky – I had Lisa to remind me that everyone’s experience is unique. She and my other critique group friends never allowed me to whine too long, reminding me that my priorities, family demands, goals, tolerance for disappointment – all of these were unique to me, and that my path would be unlike anyone else’s.
This is one of my favorite things about conference: hearing others’ stories. Whether it’s a new writer who’s attending her first conference and still working on her first manuscript, or a NYT bestseller who’s got dozens of books to her name, I love to hear about the journey – the joys and disappointments, the wrong turns and obstacles and what it felt like to arrive at the destination.
At conference, I think the greatest sins are envy and pride. (Well, gluttony is a whole other story, as a few dear friends who shared a dessert tray with me last year can tell you!) Envy steals our excitement, making us focus on other people’s experiences without knowing their full stories. We fail to celebrate our own successes and milestones when we direct our focus on what other people have accomplished.
And pride – well, I think it’s the flip side of the all-too-common currency of insecurity. We brag when we are afraid our accomplishments don’t stand on their own. We feel the need to remind others of our sales, our awards, our numbers only when we are afraid they don’t measure up – or that we ourselves don’t measure up. Some of the most memorable people I have met at conference were memorable long before I found out that they were popular authors or well-regarded editors or savvy agents – they stood out in my mind because they were charming or kind or witty.
There is certainly a place for pride – I’ve never stood taller than when I got to wear my PAN ribbon on my conference badge for the first time – but none of my favorite conference memories hinge on where I was in my publication journey:
- The first-night slumber party when my friends and I all gather with our programs and circle all the workshops we can’t wait to attend
- The “snack buffet” assembled from everyone’s must-have treats from home – Luna bars for me, chocolate for LGC, wine for Lisa (oh, okay, wine for me too!)
- Borrowing accessories and makeup for the awards ceremony, just like I did with my college roommates
- Cheering on members of San Francisco RWA chapter who are nominated for the Golden Heart and Rita
I hope these things never change, no matter where our journeys take us.
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Last week I somehow failed to post the winner of the $15 Starbucks card. It’s Lee! Please send me your snail mail address so I can send it along to you. I’m going shopping at the literacy signing for some books to get signed for the blog, so check out my future posts for some fun giveaways. Meanwhile, hope to see some of you in Orlando!
© 2010 – 2011, Sophie Littlefield. All rights reserved.
Sophie grew up in central Missouri, daughter of a history professor father and an artist mother. She earned a degree in computer science and made very little use of it. After living in Chicago for ten years, she and her husband packed up the kids and moved to Northern California in 1998.
Most important influences on Sophie's work? The critique group she's belonged to for a decade; her brother, writer Mike Wiecek; and members of the romance and mystery writing communities, who have made for excellent company along the road.
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Sophie, you’re such a sweetie! Thanks for reminding me to enjoy my own journey and not to envy anyone else’s! Timely reminder since I’ll be surrounded by brilliance next week!
by Debra Webb July 21st, 2010 at 6:12 amDeb, one of the highlights of my conference is going to be getting to hang out with my MSW friends. I talk about you guys all the time…your ears must be burning constantly
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 10:11 amFantastic post, Sophie, and something people forget far too often. Another thing in this vein that people need to remember at a conference is that public perception is a lot different than reality. It’s NEVER easy and to assume that one author had a “easier” path to publication starts you on the path toward envy. And once an author sells or hits lists or becomes “popular” never assume that their life is easier or better because of it. It’s not. It’s just different, with different fears and different stressors. But it’s just as hard.
by Allison Brennan July 21st, 2010 at 9:56 amOh Allison, that is so true. One of the things that has been true for me is that the biggest highs always come hand-in-hand with the greatest challenges. I’ve often wondered why that is, why God gives us everything in this bittersweet blend. Once you start digging a little, it turns out that “easy” often has a deep, wide foundation of struggle.
Yet another thing that age improves…empathy. I’m a lot better at seeing layers and shades of gray than I was ten years ago…
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 10:14 amSophie,
by Jessica Scott July 21st, 2010 at 10:40 amgreat post and it couldn’t be more timely. A published friend of mine shot me a note a few weeks ago and said she was sorry my publishing journey has been so rough. You know, it was really nice of her to say and there have been panic & tears & anger & frustration along the way. But there has also been joy, good friends, excitement and holy crap, I did it moments. I hope your readers will remember to celebrate their achievements & learn from their struggles
& above all, love their chosen path. They wouldn’t be where they are today without having gone through those challenges & achievements.
Jessica, I’ve found that it’s my friends who have gotten me through every rough patch. I’ve been so discouraged so often, ready to quit, and they have unfailingly promised me that if I hang in there it will happen. They believed in me even when I didn’t. I can’t imagine doing it without them…I wish every writer had a friend like yours or like mine, someone who was right there with them cheering them on.
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 11:31 amSophie, YES!!! Everything you said! Our individual journeys are unique and should be celebrated. And we should celebrate all our friends journeys as well!
Now where is that dessert tray? I’m so going to find it!
by Jennifer Lyon July 21st, 2010 at 10:54 amJen here’s my little secret – after the ceremony we came back to our suite (i usually stay in a suite with a big bunch of friends jammed in together) and some chapter members intent on celebrating pam rosenthal’s Rita win. One of our group snuck into the dessert line and made up a tray of goodies that she spirited back to the room. We felt very naughty but I cherish that memory of all of us draped all over the room taking turns holding the Rita and eating chocolate
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 11:39 amSophie, you’ve captured beautifully and succinctly the feelings so many have. I think God puts us on this rollercoaster called life to remind us in the lows that there are highs just around the corner (to give us hope) but also to let us know that the high today can easily be the low tomorrow (to keep us humble).
I can’t wait to see everyone next week even if it’s only a wave and a smile from across a crowded room.
by Silver James July 21st, 2010 at 11:01 amSilver, Ill look for you too! It’s been a real pleasure getting to meet you online since joining the MurderSheWrites crew. I feel so lucky to be a party of this group.
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 11:40 amBrilliant, Sophie, and something we all need to remember right before Nationals. The undercurrent of competition, fueled by rooms surging with creativity and estrogen (and some wine) can make that week extremely stressful. This is a fabulous reminder that everyone has an individual path, and not one of them is “easy” or “better” or “right.”
Thanks. xo
by Roxanne St. Claire July 21st, 2010 at 12:10 pmoh rocky I forgot about the estrogen factor
Funny, that’s what I love about RWA – just women – and also what sometimes frustrates me. I love having a venue where there’s no guys standing up and saying “I just retired from the widget business and I’ve written a smash thriller about a guy in the widget business who hooks up with a hot 28-year-old fbi agent”…..but also sometimes women get into weird spins with each other over envy and competition and all that. Not US, of course, just some OTHER gals
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 2:28 pmWonderful post, Sophie! I really like your point about children and also not comparing ourselves when we don’t have the full story. Something to remember!
by Laura Griffin July 21st, 2010 at 1:12 pmkids are so great. so honest and so un-self-conscious
they deal with envy by going out and getting whatever it is they want (for better or worse – they may end up in a time-out over it) ….
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 2:29 pmSophie, I hope they never change either! I have enjoyed every single step. I want to keep that feeling with each new step.
by Karin Tabke July 21st, 2010 at 1:35 pmkarin, i count on you to always be 100% karin. I have total faith that you’ll be yourself for always!
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 2:30 pmWhat an awesome post, Sophie
I loved you turning me into a real, live girl at RT, and am sorry I won’t be a part of the chocolate stealing at Nationals.
But did you hear there’s a disco dance in San Fran at Bouchercon? I feel the need for you, Rachael and Julie to dude me up disco diva style
And you are exactly right, we all do things at our own pace, and comparisons to others usually is a recipe for disaster.
by Lori G. Armstrong July 21st, 2010 at 2:04 pmwha- wha- WHAAAAT? oh my, clearly you and me and the gals…and anyone else we can drag into the fray…are gonna OWN the disco. Let’s start shopping now. and bring your cooler to our room and we’ll do the whole accessory/lingerie shopping thing all over again! I’ll warn julie….i don’t think rachael is going but I’ll ask her – but our friend Lisa will be there. Night fever, night fever…
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 2:32 pmSophie:
What a wonderful post to get me grounded before my first National. Perspective is so much more important than the right outfit or the perfect shoes.
by Debbie Kaufman July 21st, 2010 at 2:32 pmA friend once told me to enjoy the journey because it is the important part, not the destination. So true. I want to remember every step that took me from novice to published, because it has been an amazing journey so far.
by Jill James July 21st, 2010 at 3:44 pmyes, it IS true about the journey. When I think about the best moments, they typically aren’t the “big” moments but the funny little ones. Like having to turn in the copy edits with a big old wineglass stain…or my daughter telling her friends they’re not old enough to read me yet.
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 3:55 pmIt’s so lovely when you throw my own words back at me
Too bad no suite this year…instead we’ll have an East room and a West room and stock both with chocolate and wine. 
by Lisa Hughey July 21st, 2010 at 3:45 pmOh I love it, Cabal East and Cabal West for sure. I’m already making room in the suitcase for the bottles
by Sophie Littlefield July 21st, 2010 at 3:53 pm