Toni McGee Causey permalink leave a response

27 May 10

I ran away from home this morning.

Well, not away away, just sort of away, just a little bit of a stone’s throw away. I came to the fishing camp my dad has on Lake Verret (near Pierre Part, LA), where you see a lot of swamp and rivers and fishing boats.

I came because we are remodeling the bathroom at our house (um, still) and there is progress (tile people and cabinet people and countertop people) and there are family members traipsing in and out (clearly a closed door is no impediment, not even locked, because they stand there and knock.) And then there are the noisy dogs next door who are frantic with the intention of announcing every single coming and going of said aforementioned people, lest I not notice them all working right outside my office door. You know, with the banging and the hammering and the dropping of tiles (was that a whole box? just half? do we have enough to finish? wait… was that another one? are you guys sticking them to the wall with spit? seriously?) And the dogs… there are seven dogs, to be exact, who are in my neighbor’s yard, just underneath my office window, where one dog in particular has a bark the exact tenor which will impress you mightily that she is being stabbed, repeatedly, and is about to die, right this minute… or that minute… or maybe this other minute… and she will keep barking like that until every last soul has gone to sleep. She never loses her voice. I wanted to hate her but she rolls over and begs for her stomach to be rubbed and she is a rescue dog who is finally glad she is alive, I think, with people who feed her, so I’m trying not to think ill will in her direction.

Add in a very exuberant granddaughter toddling in all cute and fat cheeked and crinkly smile and happy joy joy joy joy JOY at crayons and paper and whoops, that white wall looked just like that white paper… and the phone ringing (and half of the time, not my phone, but one of the workers phones) (and by the way, just why on earth would someone program a ring to sound like an 18-wheeler backing up? you know that beeep beeeep beeeep beeeeeep beeeep sound? that one? every couple of minutes? and you start thinking about exactly how a stapler might just be a potential murder weapon and how you could convince the cops that oops, he slipped and fell on it.)

So yeah… it was time to run away from home for the day.

The camp is an old trailer set on the lake, with a pier and a porch that my dad and husband and sons and brother built. There’s not a single thing fancy here, or even half-way fancy, and because of that, it’s relaxing. I packed up some snacks and lunch, headed out here, got set up, and then had to verify with my dad’s neighbor that I was not, in fact, a thief absconding with… well, I’m not really sure what anyone would abscond with from here, but I wasn’t hauling out the burnt orange stained chairs, probably the best of the lot that are here, so the place was safe.

And I’ve been writing. It’s been GLORIOUS. I would tell you it’s beautiful outside, and it is, but it’s hot and I have been lazily ensconced in an old(ish) easy chair that is ridiculously comfortable. I suspect I will be coming back here regularly, in spite of the hour drive. I might actually be able to focus here, and make real progress on the book.

The book. Which has turned darker and darker, which breaks my heart and makes it soar, which is unfolding things about this world and this character for me that makes me feel like it’s more of a gift handed to me than something I’ve been actively writing. I can’t really explain it to you. I know the basic plot, the path, but I never really plot anything in details. I do a sort of overall timeline of events on my whiteboard and even though it’s up there, I can go weeks without ever referring to it. When I do, it’s more out of surprise that huh, sure enough, that thing I just came up with fits in with the overall intent, wouldja look at that.

I never used to be able to run away from home like this–not when the kids were little, not even when they were big and the construction company needed so much of my time. Not even this past year when there were so many things, just so so so many things that went upside down or sideways, health-wise for family, or friends, or just busy busy busy with the business and then I realized, it was never ever going to end if I didn’t start taking the time back. Carving it out and declaring it mine, guilt free. (And having a contract doesn’t really make it all that much easier to carve out time… it tends, if you’re anything like me, to just add pressure, because you feel like you have to do everything you did before and the new stuff, too.)

Then I read Allison’s blog from last week on Murderati and then last night, stumbled across an essay on Salon by someone who apparently gives advice (I don’t think I’ve ever read him before)… and he was talking about something entirely unrelated to writing, but he was talking about treating yourself like you matter. And he was saying (paraphrasing) to the young couple that he knew they didn’t have money for an attorney, but he could tell from the tone of the letter that there was a hint or something that because they weren’t able to afford a lot, they weren’t deserving of even a little. And he said to them, “Pretend like you matter.” If you can’t feel it, just pretend like it, because you do. Your needs matter.

Which is when I realized, well, damn. He’s talking to me. I’ve gotten caught up in so many other things, I have had less and less time to write. And I’m behind on my schedule.

So I ran away from home today. I’m probably going to do that for the next few days ’til I’m caught up, and then exercise the right to drop off the planet fairly regularly so that I can tell this story that is churning in my heart, which has taken up residence in my head to a point where I have to sift through the names of the characters when I’m trying to think of my own family’s names. It’s that bad, the grip it has. So now it’s time to get it done.

Tell me what the last thing was that you did for YOU?

© 2010, Toni McGee Causey. All rights reserved.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 27th, 2010 at 12:07 am and is filed under Toni McGee Causey. Tags: Toni McGee Causey, writing. You can feed this entry. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

Toni McGee Causey lives in Baton Rouge, LA, and is the best-selling author of the BOBBIE FAYE trilogy. She has contributed a critically acclaimed short story to the KILLER YEAR: STORIES TO DIE FOR anthology edited by Lee Child and an essay in DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS. Additionally, she recently produced an indie film, LA 308. She and her husband, Carl, are licensed general contractors and, in order to support her writing addiction, they run their own company, specializing in civil construction.

Email this author | All posts by Toni McGee Causey

54 comments to “making time…”

1. 1	hmmmmm reading is about it i have no life by tamibates May 27th, 2010 at 12:39 am

   • 1.1

     Hey, tamibates… I think life has me, sometimes. It’s all so random and chaotic. Taking time out to read is probably one of my topmost joys. I try to carve out some time for it each week or I start getting twitchy. And a twitch murder writer with close access to nail guns and hammer and drills is really not a good thing. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:02 am

2. 2

   To be true…. I got a tattoo in February. Nothing that big and nothing that crazy, just a few little yellow-orange stars on my left ankle (inside so you won’t see it at the first sight). I call’em my Stars of Independende because hubby wasn’t really happy about the fact I’m getting tattoed. But I told him that I’ve done it just for me and he accepted it… anyway… Your photos are so incredible! Love the landscape! by Sabine May 27th, 2010 at 1:07 am

   • 2.1

     Oh, Sabine, how delicious. I keep thinking I want one, just a small one somewhere, but I can never make up my mind and pick something. Any time I think I’ve picked something out, I’ll wait to see if I still feel the same way in a few weeks and so far, I haven’t. I suspect that at some point, something’s going to hold great meaning for me and I’ll have it done. (My husband will not like it, either, but he’ll shrug and figure I’m the one who has to live with it.) by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:04 am

3. 3	Last week I took a day off and went shopping at Nordstrom Rack and had a tasty smoothie at Jamba Juice. by Jane May 27th, 2010 at 1:59 am

   • 3.1	Jane, yay for you! I’m going to try to hit a couple of Memorial Day sales tomorrow. If I’m brave enough. And get more written today. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:05 am

4. 4	ahhhh, that looks wonderful, toni. just wonderful. congrats to you. by Karin Tabke May 27th, 2010 at 3:15 am

   • 4.1	ps, now hurry up and finish that story! I want to read what happens next. by Karin Tabke May 27th, 2010 at 3:16 am

     • 4.1.1

       LOL, yes ma’am. And thank you. It is a really terrific place and the neighbors are like family, especially with my parents. They really look after each other. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:06 am

5. 5	This post brought tears to my eyes for some reason. Can you say crybaby? YAY for doing something for yourself, Toni, just YAY! I have no idea when I did something just for myself. I’ll think about that when I’m on school break in a month! :/ by Barbie May 27th, 2010 at 6:46 am

   • 5.1	Barbie, thank you! And yep, you definitely need to do something fun just for you! by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:06 am

6. 6

   Ah, you’ve described the next phase in our remodeling/upgrading. Scary. Dealing with the painting as been enough trouble, moving things from room to room. Plus no window treatments until Tuesday, so I can’t work in my ‘office’ when the afternoon sun hits that window. I would say that I’m doing this all for “me” — upgraded appliances, nice new floors with heat coils under the bathroom tile. Hubster grunts, “fine” when I ask him about countertops and cabinet wood and tile. But the real “me” thing right now is going to be when I can furnish my office. Not as “it used to be a bedroom and someone still needs to be able to sleep in there” but as a start-from-scratch room. And I still haven’t told hubby where I hide the chocolate–not in the old house, and not in this one. by Terry Odell May 27th, 2010 at 7:32 am

   • 6.1

     Oh, Terry, we can commiserate together! I just now (last month) bought my first official desk and its matching lateral file (which is just the right size for a sort of mini-credenza for me). I love this desk–it looks old world and worn, like an antique, and I have the room very sparse — a few photos on the wall and a couple of chairs in the room for visitors, and that’s it. (Well, plus my white boards.) I love that I’ve finally gotten to a point where I could do what I wanted with this room. Fingers crossed that you’ll get there soon, too! by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:09 am

7. 7

   Your blog was very funny, but also heart-warming. Not the part about being behind schedule, that would stress me out to the max. Pretty much everything does! The only thing I do for me is read. I don’t watch TV and I prefer peace and quiet to surround sound noise. With a full-time job, which requires alot of international travel, tending to the family (and spending time with) and ensuring that my daughter’s over-scheduled life remains on schedule, reading time is very limited. I miss out on alot of sleep because I just can’t put that book down (but more often than not, it is so worth it!!). by kris gilson May 27th, 2010 at 7:58 am

   • 7.1

     kris, is sounds like you’re swamped! And wow, international travel for the job–I’ll bet that’s both fulfilling and exhausting. I really can only watch TV when it’s DVRed and I’m walking on the treadmill. When something’s engrossing, I will get more walking done, faster, because I forget I’m exercising. But like you, I really prefer quiet and reading. (I surprise my husband all the time when I drive, because I drive without music or the radio. I get itchy when there’s constant noise. I don’t mind if it’s a soundtrack and I know I like the songs, but I don’t want to hear the DJ or ads or even listen to one artist’s CD…I want the quiet where I can just ~be~.) by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:12 am

8. 8	Oh, Toni, I’m so jealous! It looks and sounds amazing! I want to come!!!!! by Debra Webb May 27th, 2010 at 8:17 am

   • 8.1	You’re on, Deb. It’s wonderful, it’s very plain, but perfect. Anytime you want to come on down, let me know and we’ll set up a camp date. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:12 am

9. 9

   I really needed to read this. You’ve inspired me. I’m so behind, and all the other stuff never ends, it just grows. And that neighbor’s dog? I have one like that – only he’s mine. Howls like he’s dyin’ everytime some walks by on the sidewalk. And if they’re walking a dog, God help me – I need earplugs. by Carol Kilgore May 27th, 2010 at 8:42 am

   • 9.1	Carol, LOL on your own dog… I don’t know if I could take it if I had those dogs over here. And thank you! If this inspired you, I’m so delighted! by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:17 am

10. 10

    You could rent it out for writer’s to come and stay a week to write. It’s so pretty. My tattoo, odd for someone pushing 70 but I love having it. The next me thing is my annual trip to Colorado with the girls, to write, paint, read, nap, gossip and drink wine for a week. Girls, as in my writer friends from Texas. Can smell that mountain air already. by Carol Shenold May 27th, 2010 at 9:01 am

    • 10.1	Carol, thanks — it would be kinda cool to have writer hangouts there. A tattoo when you’re close to 70? See, now, you’ve inspired me! It’s never too late! I’m very curious what you got, though. If you can share. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:19 am

11. 11

    Toni…? Girl, you make me cry and laugh and gigglesnort coffee out my nose! Someday, I want a place where I can run off to, hiding for a day with no one looking for me, dogs not standing at the door barking, “SQUIRREL!” Cat not draped over the keyboard eyeing me like I’m a total failure as her servant. A day with no obligations but to my story. Someday. Now…the last thing I did just for me? Uhm…Uhm…Uhm…I’ll get back to you on that. I know the next thing I’m doing just for me–Nationals. I’m going alone this year (CP couldn’t afford the change in venue). I may go to workshops or I may hang out in the bar all day simply scribbling in a notebook as I people watch. *I* get to decide. Yeah. That’s definitely on the agenda. I hope you got scads of writing done! Like Karin, I can’t wait to read this new one. by Silver James May 27th, 2010 at 9:06 am

    • 11.1

      Silver, thank you. And LOL on the “squirrel!” thing. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but I ended up with a dog who never barks (she can, but she scares herself when she does and she runs and hides) and then a cat who doesn’t meow (she can, but she doesn’t bother)… who also doesn’t really care if we humans are in the house. The dogs next door were a shock, with the noise. I keep forgetting that dogs can bark! YAY, you’re going to be at Nationals! It’s going to be great to hang out again. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:22 am

12. 12

    Lovely, wonderful, hysterical, poignant blog, Toni. A perfect reflection of you. Today, I’m going to the beach. Wrote about five pages, hit a bit of a wall, and decided it was a good day to blow off writing and take the kids to the beach. I’m justifying that based on your blog! xo by Roxanne St. Claire May 27th, 2010 at 10:26 am

    • 12.1	Well, I am glad I was able to help you get a day off, Rocki! You’re one of the hardest working writers I know. And thank you! by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:23 am

13. 13

    I’m envious of your writing retreat! Next week, I’m taking the WHOLE week for me. Putting my stepdaughter on the school bus (I always drive her), handing over the keys to hubby (we share a vehicle), sleeping in, going to bed late, plowing through my TBR pile and finishing the WIP. Bliss. by Dawn May 27th, 2010 at 10:49 am

    • 13.1	Dawn, that just sounds like absolute heaven! Perfect and relaxing and delicious! I hope you have a wonderful time, just lazing around and reading! by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:24 am

14. 14	Reading is about the only thing I do for me! Although my older sister and I went to visit younger sister for a few day last year and we really enjoyed it. Its about time to have that get away again! by Quilt Lady May 27th, 2010 at 10:52 am

    • 14.1	Quilt Lady, we’re glad you’re here, making this place a fun place to hang out. And yep, you definitely need to do something for yourself–and hanging out with sisters sounds like so much fun! I hope you get to do that soon. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 11:25 am

15. 15

    Hm, the last thing I did for me. And I’m guessing that would be other than spending a wad of cash on new books. Probably when I treated myself to a pedicure back in March. It was my first. I’ve been thinking it’s been long enough that I should splurge on a massage (personally I think everyone deserves a massage at least once a week), but I’ll have to wait until the cash flow loosens up a bit in our house. Our trip home to Louisiana is already paid for, though, so next month I’ll be treating myself to some pool time and the folks will be treating me to some good food! by Becky LeJeune May 27th, 2010 at 11:44 am

    • 15.1

      yikes, Becky, you just reminded me I need to make flight arrangements — I’m going to Denver in June to teach two classes! And YAY, you’re getting to come home to family and food! That is great, I’m glad you’re going to get to have some fun. (But books are also in that “fun” category, for me.) by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 12:28 pm

      • 15.1.1

        Oh, books are definitely always in the fun category! by Becky LeJeune May 27th, 2010 at 1:02 pm

16. 16

    Toni, such wisdom in your blog! I have to tell you, and I’m a dog lover, but dog would drive me to drink. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t really know the last thing I did for myself–maybe the mani/pedi after my last copy edits. Oh and I do try to get out to my RWA meetings once a month where I meet up with friends for coffee and lunch. by Jen Lyon May 27th, 2010 at 11:53 am

    • 16.1

      Thanks, Jen. If there’s wisdom there, though, it’s accidental. (I have never had a pedicure. It took me years to submit to a manicure, and I wasn’t terribly happy with the experience. I probably could enjoy it at a spa somewhere. Maybe. If I had a margarita or two first.) by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 12:30 pm

17. 17

    With 5 kids under foot, whenever I take time on the computer, with a book, or ignore them to write just a few pages, are things that I’m doing for me. I have designed a tattoo and when I reach my goal, I’m going for it. Hubby hates tattoos. He once told me that if I got one, he was outta here (joking, but annoying). I told him if that was his choice I could live with it. He shut up real quick. I love the hubby of 20 yrs. but sometimes he needs to be reminded he’s just a man. by HollyD May 27th, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    • 17.1	Holly, that’s wonderful that you’re carving out the time for yourself! I’m so glad you are, and that you’re writing. And LOL on reminding him he’s still just a man. That happens around here every so often, too. by Toni McGee Causey May 27th, 2010 at 12:31 pm

18. 18

    Toni — Good for you! Enjoy your writing and your relaxation. I am so envious! We are currently overrun with construction workers redoing our master bath along with fixing the ceiling caused by the flood downstairs in the kitchen when I they broke a pipe on the second floor above it last week. The dust has been killing my asthma (NEVER replace floor tile because it involves so much sanding of old grout!), although they try to keep it tidy, but I just walked out of my office when one of them called to me, and was hit with some chemical smell that has my head pounding and my eyes watering. If you weren’t so far away, you’d have company. NOW. As it is, I’m thinking of moving to a hotel. Or at least moving into the motorhome. Oh, hope your hideaway is safe from all that horrid oil! by JoAnn Ross May 27th, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    • 18.1

      Oh, Jo Ann, I totally empathize on the dust issue. We had to tear up old tile and then they had to sand away the mortar underbed. (ugh) And then the sheetrock mud/sanding (more ugh). I had trouble breathing–I cannot imagine how you’ve dealt with it with asthma. Yikes! Here’s hoping it’s done soon. And come on down! There’s always room and the fish are biting in the lake. (Someone asked earlier if the oil is affecting the lake–not yet. It’s far enough inland to be okay for now, but I expect there to be eventual damage because so much of what’s around it are swamps, and oil can creep through that.) by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 6:37 pm

      • 18.1.1

        Thanks for the invitation, Toni! Oh, I’d love to just sit in the orange chair — on on the dock if you only have one — and fish. At least the sealer on the travertine tile didn’t turn it a horrible color, as I’d feared. So that’s one positive. Enjoy your escape. We writers tend to work 7 days a week. Getting away by yourself is so important! (Note to self — follow your own advice!) by JoAnn Ross May 27th, 2010 at 10:26 pm

        • 18.1.1.1

          Ack, which reminds me–need to make sure my tile guy seals the tiles. So glad you mentioned that! by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 10:52 pm

19. 19

    I wish I had a fishing cabin! I’m lucky that I have a detached office, but that still doesn’t keep people out. Even the lock on the door doesn’t work! What have I done for just me? Hmm. I guess touring Folsom Prison wouldn’t be considered that . . . though going to DC with the FBI Citizens Academy for my 40th birthday and touring Quantico, though for research, was totally fun. I’ve gotten into the habit of watching television late at night by myself, whole seasons of shows. It’s “my” time–no writing, everyone’s asleep (I usually do this at 1 am!) and I have 45 minutes for whatever show I’m in the middle of. Boring to most people I’m sure, but it’s 45 minutes of bliss by Allison Brennan May 27th, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    • 19.1

      Allison, I was thinking that if my office was detached, it’d be better, but I realized yesterday that nope, everyone would just come on out there anyway. [I was actually delusional as to think that I'd get stuff done here today at home, but that didn't work out, so I'll be back to the camp next week.] by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 6:38 pm

20. 20	I think the last thing I did for me was go to the Desert Dreams conference. Most things I do are for the kids or my husband and I’m usually just tagging along. But, I make the best of it when I can. =) Good luck with the book…I can’t wait to read it!! by Terri Molina May 27th, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    • 20.1	Thanks, Terri — and I loved the Desert Dreams conference! It was a blast and so well done. You really need to have time for you! And fun! It’s an assignment for the week. (heh) by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 6:43 pm

21. 21

    How wonderful to have a writing retreat! I am ten shades of green with envy. My only regular retreat is running, but occasionally I take a few hours and go hide in a book store or get my hair cut. Funny how I never valued my alone time until I didn’t have any! Best of luck with the writing! by Laura Griffin May 27th, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    • 21.1

      Laura, I’m trying to turn walking daily into “my time” — I hope to one day work my way up to running, but so far, I haven’t had the ability to be consistent with the walking. Yikes. I so admire that you do. And thanks for the good luck wishes. They are always needed. by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 6:45 pm

22. 22

    Just last year I decided to get a manicure twice a month. They are fairly cheap here and why did I not think I was worth them before? Now I live for that time in the beauty shop chair. I relax, close my eyes, enjoy the tranquil music they play, and let them cater to me for a change. by Jill James May 27th, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    • 22.1	Jill, the way you’ve described it makes it sound heavenly! I obviously need to find another place than the original one I tried! And yep, you’re definitely worth it! by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 6:46 pm

23. 23

    Let’s face it. I need a life! I honestly don’t remember when I actually did do something for me. It’s sad but true. I don’t like to shop right now because I don’t like what I see in the mirror. Can I get a Amen? Money is tight with a hubby working a 4 day work week. And when a tiny little voice came up and asked, ” Momma, can you watch your granddaughter because daycare is getting way to high? We know you will give her more love anyway.” What do you do? No duh! You say, “Oh yes, I’d be glad to! ” A 9 month old! I must be loosing my mind. Can I get a Amen? by Lisa G. May 27th, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    • 23.1	Amen Lisa! I say . . . go soak in a hot bubble bath with a glass of wine and a good book. by Allison Brennan May 27th, 2010 at 10:53 pm

24. 24	Lisa — For once in my life I have no advice to give. However. . . . AMEN, SISTER!!! by JoAnn Ross May 27th, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    • 24.1	I second JoAnn! That’s so tough, with the economy the way it is. I completely empathize. And ditto on the shopping. You definitely have an AMEN, SISTER from me, too. by toni mcgee causey May 27th, 2010 at 10:51 pm

25. 25

    Good for you, Toni, because not only will it benefit you, it’ll benefit those of us who are waiting for your next book I’m on the opposite spectrum, I’m by myself a lot, writing all the time, that’s all I do. Hell, that’s all I’ve done the last 18 months, pretty much nonstop, and any and all trips I’ve taken…have been writing/career/conference related, so while fun, they’ve not exactly been a relaxing vacation because I’ve had to work on the road. So I am looking forward to our family trip to Mobile AL the end of June I turn in my book June 21 and we leave June 22nd… by Lori Armstrong May 28th, 2010 at 8:00 am

26. 26	I truly can’t remember, so I guess that means I need to do something for myself and soon. by Linda Henderson May 28th, 2010 at 9:20 pm