 | 26 Mar 10 |
I was inspired a few weeks ago to write this blog, and was reminded of it by Edie Ramer’s blog the other day over at Magical Musings, and also by a guest blogger there yesterday.
The video Dare to Suck really hits the heart of the matter. We all suck at whatever it is we endeavor in the beginning. And it’s ok. It’s normal. And we’ll continue to suck if we don’t make the regular concentrated effort to improve. There’s that 10,000 rule that takes you from sucky to superior. Practice makes perfect. There is no such thing as perfection, you say? Maybe, maybe not, but that’s just an excuse not to strive for it. If you had to guess, how many hours have you invested in your sport, hobby, job or education? Say from late teens to now? 10,000 hours? That’s almost 40 hours a week for nearly 5 years. That’s a lot of time perfecting one single skill.
Now let’s go a step further: How do you practice those 10,000 hours? Dabble, just running through the motions or really digging in and practicing at a higher level? The deep practice is what separates the gifted from the proficient. (Check out http://malcolmgladwell.com/ for a deeper explanation.)
I came to learn about the 10,000-hour rule a few weeks ago at an all day RWA chapter workshop. Guest speaker, and life coach, Koren Motekaitis, http://howshereallydoesit.com/ who was amazing, spoke and touched on this 10,000 hour rule as a model for becoming a better writer. She really got through to me. On many levels.
When one of the attendees raised her hand and said, “I practice my instrument everyday, why is insert name of musician heree so successful and I’m not?”
That’s when Koren tapped into something so profound for me, I am still shaking my head. Profound in that it all clicked when she explained it. Profound it that I let go of so much crap I had been holding onto.
So here was Koren’s response to the above question, (paraphrasing) “How does that person’s business affect yours?”
The attendee sat there for a long minute then said, “It doesn’t.”
“You’re right it doesn’t. That’s their business, not yours. Focus on your business and your business only.”
Hello! I know this!
But it gets better!
Koren stepped back and explained that there are three types of business in the world as we know it: the universe’s business, i.e. the weather etc. We have absolutely no control of the universe’s business. No one does. If it’s freezing outside we have the choice to stay outside and freeze or go in inside where it’s warm. Bitching about it won’t change it. We cannot change the universe’s business.
Secondly, there is everyone else’s business, business that is theirs to deal with, not ours, no matter how much we care about them or want to butt in. Everyone is in charge of his or her own business.
The only control we have is of the third and most important business: our own business. When we sit around and wonder why everyone around us it more successful we’re wasting precise time and energy. That’s their business, it has nothing to do with our business. If we want success, we have to put in the 10,000 hours and then put in the overtime hours.
I jokingly asked Koren how the hell I was suppose to butt out of my children’s business! We had fun going round and round with a current dilemma of mine that involves one of my adult kids and she was able to boil it all down to this: I may not like the choice my child maes but she has to live with it, not me. Ugh! Hard to swallow but it’s the truth.
I came away feeling revived and very focused on continuing with my writer’s journey and surpassing the 10,000 hours, but more importantly, focusing and centering on what in my life I can control: and there is only this: I can only control me and what I do. If the universe has other plans, I’m screwed.
So, have you put in your 10,000 hours? And how do you manage to keep out of other people’s business? Or do you?
K*
© 2010, Karin Tabke. All rights reserved.
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Karin, as you know i think you are one of the most inspirational people in my world. No one is a better reminder than you are of the principles you talked about today, but I liked reading them in a new context. I might just steal that 10,000 rule.
And I was going along all happy-like humming and thinking “yeah! tell it sister” until you got to the part about the kids. then i crumpled like a used kleenex. lord in heaven, i pray every day for the strength not to butt in. i’m a beginning beginner at letting go, though. so please, karin, as you do in nearly everything, figure out how to do that right and then i will just use you as my mentor….
PS I think you’re a great mom…
by Sophie Littlefield March 26th, 2010 at 10:38 amSophie i heart you!
honestly, i liked the kids when they were little, even in their teens. i controlled them and their world. as adults? it alienates them when i try to. this has been an excruciating life lesson for me to butt out. but during my epiphany it really hit home that they are the ones who have to live with their bad choices. not me. yes i can stand on the sidelines and feel bad for them, but it’s their life. now, if they were choosing to do something physically harmful to themselves or others, that is my business. or at least i’d make it mine.
i tell my kids, “I only butt in because I’m afraid you’ll make the wrong choice! I’m saving you from yourself!” they don’t want to hear it. of course my daughter understood the whole Krazy K (that’s what my kids call me when i’m on a rampage, Special K when I’m not) thing the minute they put my granddaughter on her belly. I looked up at her and between my tears said, “Now do you understand Krazy K?” She nodded and wailed. ah, payback!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:22 pmCan I steal Sophie’s comments? LOL Seriously – I honestly couldn’t say it better myself. I have had such a hard road getting to the letting go aspect of motherhood – watching 2 of my daughters almost self destruct (cutting, suicide attempts, drugs, 1 almost died from a tubal pregnancy, STDs) I spent years of nights falling asleep to my tears and regrets and heartaches.
by Bonnie H March 26th, 2010 at 10:53 amThe world looks very now now,for which I thank God every day – but STILL every so often (more than I’d like) I realize I’M NOT LETTING GO and have to forcibly talk myself down from feeling responsible for whatever the situation is. Guilt is a companion I know well…and have let it hold me back – like the friend (or family member) you love so much but finally realize you have to step back from in order to move forward – I’m still trying to step back from guilt.
Wow I rambled – sorry! But as Sophie said – you inspire me!
um…I MEANT to say “the world looks very DIFFERENT now”…sheesh
by Bonnie H March 26th, 2010 at 10:55 amBonnie, when we love so hard it makes it hurt so much more. i remember when you were going through that with your daughter. sigh. it would have tore me up too. i guess like the children, as they learn to crawl walk and run we as parents learn the same in letting them grow up. argh! No one told me it was going to be this heartbreaking! the older i get the more i worry. and now the granddaughter. aye yi yi yi.
yanno Mother’s Day just isn’t enough to celebrate what we do.
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:28 pmAmazing post, Karin. I’m pretty good about staying out of other people’s business in terms of the example–every career is different, and I’m okay with that. And I *try* (try hard!) not to give advice unless asked. I also listen to advice I do ask for, even if I don’t agree or act on it right away. I wouldn’t ask someone for advice who I don’t respect or doesn’t care about me, so I take it and mull it over and may or may not use it in the end–but I never blame them for the advice I asked for!
My problem is the universe’s business. I still have a hard time accepting that I can’t control the damn weather or publishing business. I’m working on that
by Allison Brennan March 26th, 2010 at 11:16 amAllison, the Universe is a bitch! A winless battle. Take cover, baby in any way that you can, then do what you do best, your business!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:29 pmSocial comments and analytics for this post…
This post was mentioned on Twitter by KarinTabke: RT @murdershewrites How Hard Do You Work? http://bit.ly/c2M9Wq…
by uberVU - social comments March 26th, 2010 at 11:25 amLoved this post, Karin. It hit me on so many levels. I totally enjoyed the video Dare To Suck, but couldn’t find it through that link. I used this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nyhv80HDSj4
I am a huge believer in the rule of 10,000 hours. I’ve put them in and then some! Ready for that big Outlier payoff now. Ahem, world!
I also loved the concept of staying out of other people’s business, which can be difficult because those people often invite you in. And we get seduced into thinking that by helping them, we are helping ourselves. Not always the case.
And the kids? Mine are 16 and 12 and I still think that their business IS my business, but I know that is going to end soon. Won’t be easy, won’t be fun. But letting go is what I have to do…am dreading it, though. xo
by Roxanne St. Claire March 26th, 2010 at 11:33 amRocki at 16 and 12 their business is definitely your business! I wish my kids were still that young!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:38 pmI just got told by my 26 year old daughter when i asked her if she took her meds( she has strep throat and an ear infection) to stop treating her like a kid.
sigh.
but if she doesn’t take her medicine she won’t get better and the baby might get sick! doesn’t she understand???
Yep, Rocki, if you’re footing the bill and they are minors, their business is DEFINITELY your business. As I tell my kids when they butt heads with my authority, I’m their mom now, I’ll be their best friend when they’re older. We hope that we’ll instill in them the values and common sense so they can make good choices in the future, but we all mess up sometimes, we can’t protect our kids from every mistake they might make. (Just hopefully the deadly ones–like don’t drink and drive, don’t talk to strangers on-line, etc . . . )
Morpheus said to Neo in THE MATRIX, “I can only show you the door, you must walk through it.” (Or something like that.) I think as human beings we should help others, by showing them a path they might not have considered. But we can’t force them to open the door and take that journey.
by Allison Brennan March 26th, 2010 at 2:11 pmKarin, I was a fan of yours before I met you at the WisRWA conference last year. After meeting you, I was really blown away by how nice and caring and wise you are. Great post. I try really hard to worry only about the stuff I can control (and my daughter’s 10 so I can still control her a little), but it’s a daily challenge. Especially at work where the environment feeds frustrations and I find myself all too preoccupied with what everyone else is doing.
As for the 10k hours. I’m chipping away at it.
by Cat Schield March 26th, 2010 at 11:45 amHey Cat! Thank you for the kind words. I had a lot of fun at th WISRWA conference.
Work drama can be difficult. and while my work doesn’t involve going to an office where there are people, it does involve the internet, and well, we know all the drama that goes on there. I’ve always been pretty good about not watching train wrecks and not getting involved in cat fights. It’s easier to do when you can just hit delete. But in person? Knowing me, I’d be the one everyone was telling their problems to and then be expected to come up with answers and thus immersing myself in everyone’s business and most likely getting in trouble for it.
just look at those folks with the drama and say to yourself, “That’s their business. That’s their business.” Unless of course it affects your business, then a girl has to do what a girl has to do!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:45 pmKarin – Great post. I’ve never thought about the success of others affecting me. Don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve always wanted enormous success for all the writers I enjoy. A few years ago I was at a book signing for Janet Evanovich. My number was 484 and there were a couple of hundred people after me. That is the kind of book signing I wish for each and every one of you ladies and maybe one day for myself.
Off to start my 10,000 hours.
by HollyD March 26th, 2010 at 12:29 pmHolly, I want a signing like that for both of us!
Go go go on those hours!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:46 pmKarin great post! Love the 10,000 rule!
by Jen Lyon March 26th, 2010 at 1:20 pmJen, I keep chugging away at those 10,000 hours. I’ve been slacking though. Time for me to get back in the groove!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:48 pmThe hardest thing I ever had to do was step back and let The Only make her own mistakes. I had to drag her father kicking and screaming, so that didn’t help much. Today, we’re both very proud of the young woman she’s become. Luckily, she learned from her mistakes, and didn’t repeat them! LOL
You’re quite thought-provoking today. I shall wander off and give it more consideration and I work on myself. Thanks, Karin, for being you!
by Silver James March 26th, 2010 at 1:36 pmSilver, I have one kid who just doesn’t get it. Talk about making the same mistake. argh!
by Karin Tabke March 26th, 2010 at 1:52 pmGreat post, Karin ;0
My daughters were raised in the Suzuki String method and Dr. Suzuki’s main mantra — practice practice practice — he said it you can’t get something once, play it 100 times, then 1000 times, and only believe you’ll never learn how to do it if you practice something 10,000 times and nothing changes. So I’ve always been a big fan of the 10,000 rule (and I swear, I heard some sections of their pieces damn close to 10,000 times) I take comfort in the fact Ray Bradbury threw away one million words before he ever got his first book published.
I keep a close eye on my kids as far as grades, friends, living up to their potential, etc., but I do believe kids should have secrets from their parents, something that’s “theirs” — hopefully it’s nothing big, but I can’t live my life through them. Love them unconditionally? Yes. Cringe when they do something stupid? Yes. Provide my opinion when asked? Yes. But they won’t learn from their mistakes if they’re not allowed to make them.
I keep saying the only thing I can control in this crazy writing business is the amount of time I write. Period. So when I focus on that, that’s when I find myself the happiest.
by Lori Armstrong March 26th, 2010 at 2:17 pmLori, my hubby is a college football coach and stresses the same thing to his players.
I just told a freind of mine who recently sold, “The only thing you can control is the words.”
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 1:30 amIn many ways it’s liberating to know that so much is out of our hands and in that, the pressure is lifted.
I love this blog.
I have a really hard time staying out of people’s business, mainly, because I’m the sort of person everyone always goes to. Everyone. Always. Combine that with my chronic inability to say “no” and you have the picture.
I love giving advice, helping out, especially when it’s someone I truly care about. But, then, sometimes, people start to depend on my advice to make their choices and I feel completely trapped. I know it’s not healthy, and I should say no, but how can I abandon a friend who’s going through such distress?? I really don’t know what to do. I keep hoping she’ll step up and do something for herself, but she doesn’t. (That’s kind of going on now, so, it fits).
I have a problem, also, staying out of my mother’s business. She makes her choices — which are often stupid choices, dangerous choices that affect not only us, but other people. When I try to talk to her about it, she screams and calls me names, and tells me to stay out of her business. And I need to learn that. A friend told me, today even, that I need to let go. I need to let my mother make her own choices, and live with the consequences of them. Truth is, I’m selfish. I’m the one who doesn’t want to live with the consequences of her poor choices. Oh, well.
by Barbie March 26th, 2010 at 5:51 pmBarbie, I love this blog too! The best part is the goils I get to hang with every day and all of you who keep us company!
I’m right there with you as the advice queen. Like you, I seem to be the go to gal. I think I give good advice too, but most people don’t listen.
It’s hard to stay out of the business of people we love especially, even though it is their business, when it can bleed into our business. It’s hard to stay out of it. Even when we want to and know we should and know it’s the right thing to do for everyone involved.
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 1:36 amKarin,
I really needed to read this! Sometimes I get so swept up in all the factors beyond my control. Ironically, I do my best work when I’m purely focused on my own business, what I can control instead of worrying about everything else.
A good lesson for relationships, too.
by Laura Griffin March 26th, 2010 at 7:36 pmLaura, I think we all do. But when it comes to the universe’s business we’ll only kill ourselves fighting it. I too do my best work when I shut out all of the business that isn’t mine. Like the weight of the world has been lifted and I can focus.
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 1:39 amKarin, I’m going to need this lesson in the coming weeks as Tim heads to boot camp the day after Easter. I had a stupid dream the other night that he got on the plane to Georgia, got to Georgia, and forgot who he was supposed to contact to get to the base. Talk about someone else’s business. LOL
I’m going to need a lot of Xanax in the coming weeks.
by Jill James March 26th, 2010 at 8:37 pmJill, you’re too funny! The Army will make damn sure Tim reports to the right person. My youngest is going into the Marines this September, his brother is thinking of going in with him. I know my boys and I know they will thrive in that environment, but it scares the hell out of me too. I’ll be in line behind you for the Xanex.
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 1:44 amKarin, amazing, amazing post! I’ve never heard of the 10,000 hour concept but I LOVE IT! I love more the take care of your own business. I am so pleased to say that after two kids and 33 years I have learned to let them make their own choices. I advise (and pray) but that’s as far as I go (unless it’s something I’m paying for!!!). It’s so, so, so difficult. Heck, it’s flat out terrifying. But it’s gotta be done!
by Debra Webb March 26th, 2010 at 8:51 pmDeb, I wish I could have Koren as my personal cheer leader! she does a radio show and has a fab website. very uplifting and positive. the talk abut the three businesses was awesome. hmm, she should speak at national. it would be standing room only.
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 1:48 amGreat post! And thanks for the shout out.
I’m always telling my husband that other people’s successes or failures have nothing to do with us. I have many friends who are rising in this business, and I never ask “why them and not me?” I just celebrate their progress. My turn will come, and I just need to put in my hours and pay attention to the lessons I’m learning along the way.
by Edie March 26th, 2010 at 10:00 pmEdie, I always love your supportive attitude! there needs to be more celebration of other’s success instead of tearing down.
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 2:07 amLEt’s see….I have put at least 10,000 hours into three areas: writing, drawing, and horseback riding. Wait, does sleeping count? I think it’s a good model for mastery.
Since I don’t have kids, I can’t quite relate, but I can imagine I would indeed be tempted to be ‘in’ their business, purely out of wanting the best for them.
As for other people….odd duck that I admitted am, I really have no interest whatever in their business. Life’s barely long enough for me to be fully vested in MY business.
But I’m always very happy for the success that others acheive when they’re doing something they love! Nothing’s “funner” than doing the happy dance right alongside them.
by Jody March 26th, 2010 at 11:52 pmJody, staying out of my adult children’s business is the hardest exercise in self control I have ever had to endure!
And you are 100% right, life is barely long enough for any of us not to be fully vested in our own biz!
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 2:10 amGreat post, Karin! I’m still bummed I missed that part of the presentation! At work, I’m part of everyone’s business, just by the nature of my job. I really try to stay out of family business, but it’s hard. I am a fixer by nature and I constantly need to turn that part of me off.
by Laura McCann March 27th, 2010 at 1:11 amNow on the 10K thing, this is something I need to work on. I need to make more time to keep writing and writing and writing and not get discouraged. My opportunity for April! Thanks for the inspiration Karin!
Laura I forgot, you had to leave. Let me tell you, I was skeptical, because quite frankly, most of the ‘life coaches’ I have met need ther own freakin life coach! But Koren is so damn together and smart and practices what she preaches, she had me at hello! We really need for her to come speak to a larger group and do an all day thing.
Frankly, Laura with the demands of your job, I don’t know how you manage to write at all!. You are a true testament to the term perseverance.
by Karin Tabke March 27th, 2010 at 2:14 amHey Karin,
You’re brilliant girl, and I totally relate to what your saying. As a major FAM girl myself, there’s lessons involved in that one that make us grow; willingly or not. lol. I’m really good at not interferring in other’s people’s lives out there, and celebrating them doing their own thing. Not afraid of work, and the 10,000 hr rule. But like you, the family one has always been closest to my heart. I’m always learning, and gathering lessons as I go. Love them beyond any limits, and the one constant is that I’ll always be here if they need me. I keep thinking, and this really helps me, they all came to this world to learn certain things in this life. If I intrude too much, I’m taking that away from them.
by LaDonna March 27th, 2010 at 9:59 amWell I guess I do try to butt into my sons live but he don’t tell you much! He keeps everything to his self so you don’t know whats happening with him.
by Quilt Lady March 27th, 2010 at 1:08 pmI know I don’t work hard enough. Must take notes!
by Mary Marvella March 27th, 2010 at 8:59 pm