 | 25 Nov 09 |
It’s easy on a day like today to give thanks. We’ve made a national holiday of it, we spend days ahead of time thinking about it, preparing, trying to get the family or friends gathered, working to clean the house or prep the meal or make the travel plans or find some place to go if we’re alone on the holiday. Sometimes, we ignore it altogether, if our days have been sad or we’re estranged from loved ones, and sometimes we’re in the middle of what is supposed to be a Hallmark moment where we’re cutting the turkey amidst Aunt Ethel berating cousin Lou while Uncle Manny not-so-quietly farts and pretends it’s the dog and we would be happy when the day is over. When all is said and done and the meal is served, we’ll take a few minutes and bow our heads and say a generic thanks for the blessings we’ve had and we’re through with that part of the program with barely a backward glance. Check that whole “thankful” obligation off the list.
It’s easy to be thankful for the good stuff.
But sometimes… sometimes I want to sit in a quiet spot alone and reflect and say the kind of thanks we don’t often admit, and often never in public:
I’m thankful to the first boy who broke my heart. He made me aware that not only could I love, but that there was the potential to find someone who would matter to me so deeply, and for whom I would matter, that no obstacle would be too great. He showed me that betrayal wasn’t a joke, wasn’t something to enter into lightly, and that when one promised to love, it meant to love, a verb, not just to reflect a feeling. Feelings can come and go, wax and wane depending on mood and circumstance, but choice is who we are. Choice is our character in action, and I wouldn’t have learned that if I hadn’t seen his inconsistency and compared it to others in my life–older couples with years and years of marriage–and realized that they made it because they chose to. I learned something more valuable from that broken heart than I think I could’ve learned from a perfect storybook romance, and that was to never take the person who loved me for granted, and to never bestow on them the kind of pain I’d felt. It was a gift, you see, and it taught me well.
I’m thankful for the times I’ve failed. They hurt, those times, because I don’t tolerate failure well, and that’s probably why I needed to fail to see that failure didn’t define who I was as a person. I’ve made mistakes and I’ve just plain bombed some things in life, and as astounded as I am with the outcome–because I am ever hopeful that my endeavors will turn out right–I’m grateful for the chances I’ve had to learn and grow. Failure has taught me things that success never could: to think outside the box, to question why there is a box, to look at failure as just a single outcome from a single attempt, not the final result, to appreciate the effort, to look to see what I can learn, to tolerate mistakes and failure in others because they’re on the journey, too. But mostly, failure in the past has taught me to appreciate the here and now, to appreciate that I am still on the journey, to enjoy the successes I’ve had and not to take them for granted. If I’ve failed, it’s because I’m still reaching for the stars, stretching boundaries, growing, learning, yearning, and that’s what life is.
I’m thankful for the friends I’ve lost. I think this is the hardest one, sometimes, because we love people and they’re in our lives for reasons that make sense, that make us happy, and there are a thousand different reasons why friendships can go wrong. We all grow at different paces, we all have different goals, we have different upbringings and value systems, means of communication and ways of handling conflict, and I think it’s so rare that all of those things stay in synch for two people who come together as friends that it’s inevitable over the course of a lifetime that friends will flow in and move out of our lives. Sometimes abruptly, sometimes harshly, sometimes just drifting away. Over time, I’ve realized that I’ve valued people and learned from them and treasured them, and even though there may have been times when things didn’t work out, I’m glad they were in my life. Truly glad. Maybe I learned a hard lesson, maybe I created the pain instead, and learned from that. Maybe we just drifted because we didn’t fully appreciate what we had and that ebbing away will reverse itself one day. The thing is, I did treasure each and every one of them, and I can look back and say, honestly, I am glad I knew them. Even the person who tried to embezzle funds, even the person who harmed me, because I learned. I learned to appreciate true friendship, and I learned to recognize it when I see it. I learned to value difference of opinions and walks of life and communication styles, and I’ve learned that there are some people in this world I’ll never do without, because they’re the kind of people who stick, who give the benefit of the doubt, who choose. We may go months without talking, and then pick right up where we left off. The friends I’ve lost taught me to hold very dear to the ones who are real, who’ve stuck. That is a great gift.
I’m thankful for the times I’ve hurt. As much as I don’t like to hurt, I recognize that sometimes, I have to feel the pain and go through the heartache in order to grow and learn and survive this life. It’s never pleasant, it’s never something I’d choose to do, and honestly, I’m really okay if I don’t have this category any longer, if the Universe is taking notes, but the bottom line is, because I recognize true pain, I also appreciate true joy and true contentment. Happiness isn’t a destination. It isn’t a magical place we’re going to be someday. Happiness, contentment, is a choice to appreciate the here and now, where you are, and I learned that from the times I hurt.
I am thankful for the times I’ve been wrong. I hate being wrong. I was always the straight-A student, the brainiac, the egghead, and until I hit college, I had an overinflated idea of just how smart I was. Boy, was that corrected really really fast. And learning how to be wrong, and be gracious about it, and admit it, and then learn from my mistakes is probably one of those dubious achievements that we shouldn’t really admit to, but which make us human. I’ve learned how easily it is to be absolutely certain of how right I am, just to find out how exactly the opposite of right I was, and the humiliation that can bring, and because of this, I have a higher tolerance for everyone around me who are just trying their best to be right, too. Most people are really just trying, you know? They just want to get through the day and be right, for once, and be recognized for that, and sometimes they’ll do boneheaded things to achieve that goal. It’s what makes us human, and really, having been wrong before means I can relate. I’d rather be the woman who appreciates the irony of being wrong than the woman who is always right, at the expense of others.
I am thankful for every cranky, snarky, grumpy, annoying, irritating, obnoxious, pain-in-the-ass I’ve come across in my life. For one thing, they’re kinda funny, if you really think about perspective, and for another, they’ve taught me to be patient, and they’ve taught me that I actually have a tremendous amount of wonderful people in my life, friends here, friends on the internet, friends in real life, who are truly inspirational, wonderful, encouraging, selfless, good, caring people.
I am so lucky to be here to be thankful.
How about you? What are you thankful for?
(I’ll be traveling, but checking in often.)
Toni McGee Causey lives in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She and her husband, Carl, are licensed general contractors and, in order to support her writing addition, they run their own company, specializing in civil construction.
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Great post. I’ve got a lot to be thankful for and like you, not all of it is good. I’m thankful for this year in Iraq. I’ve learned a lot and even through the losses we’ve had, I’m a stronger leader for it. I’m thankful for the irrational anger I have over an injustice at work because it has taught me that some things, I can not control, but when I have the opportunity, I must act.
by Jessica Scott November 26th, 2009 at 3:18 amI’m thankful for my mom, who took care of my babies this year while I’m gone. I’m thankful for this year because I’ve rediscovered who I am, separate from mommy, wife, or friend. I know me now and that had gotten lost in everything else about life back in the states.
I’m thankful that I’ve had such great mentors and for the relationships that have not survived this year. I’ve learned something from each of them and with luck, I’ll be a better writer, client and friend in the coming years. I’m thankful for this deployment because I’ve learned what’s truly important. I used to catch up on the phone after work and get irritated when my kids would demand my attention. Now, having left them for a year, I won’t answer the phone after work. I will use the time I have with them to spend time with them, not simply occupy the same room.
Mostly, I’m thankful for the hard lessons this year. I’ve learned the lessons that many soldiers learn when they go to war and those will impact me in the future, hopefully to enable me to make a difference.
Through it all, I’m thankful that my husband was here with me, giving me his experience through 3 deployments to help make mine easier to bear.
I’m thankful for my grandparents procreating like rabbits because without the 18 aunts and uncles my brothers and sisters and I would have become wards of the state when my parents died.
I’m Thankful I had such a strong mother for the 12 years I did because she taught me to ‘roll with the punches’ and not let the hardships stop you from living the life you want to live. (and to never give up on your dream, whatever it may be)
I’m thankful for finding my husband when I did and us both knowing almost instantly that we would spend the rest of our lives together (and that no matter how much I weight I gain, he’s still madly attracted to me…go figure.)
I’m grateful for the financial struggles we faced over the course of our marriage (living paycheck to paycheck) because it’s taught my children that material things are not important when you have the love of a family.
And I’m thankful for all of the writers in the world and all the writer friends I’ve made because without you and your encouragement and really really great blogs, I wouldn’t be the determined and persistant writer I am today.
I love you gals!
Happy Thanksgiving!
by Terri Molina November 26th, 2009 at 8:02 amWow, Toni! What an honest, heartfelt post. Thank you so much for making me reflect on all the things (good, bad and ugly) that have made me who I am and taught me so much. I am thankful for my wonderful family, my God-sent friends and the many, many adventures I’ve been so blessed to experience!
by Debra webb November 26th, 2009 at 10:41 amI am Thankful to be able to reach out and read lovely posts like this one Toni, it makes us think about things when someone else puts it down in words we can all relate to. I too have had a lifetime of things that made me cry, rage against the injustice of it all and generally feel that life was out to get me in some way shape or form. I am close to 50 now and with age came the wisdom to know that not everything is “all about me”, things happen to everyone that takes the wind out of our sails and causes heartache of some kind…
I am a little more kind when someone else does something do not like or approve of, am a little more patient when someone cuts me off in traffic or cuts place in a line at the checkout. I am a little more observant of the needs of others than of my own as it puts a smile on someone’s face when they feel like they matter to you….
I thank everyone today on this National
Thanksgiving Holiday who is spending it overseas in the war away from their loved ones and friends. I am thankful for their sacrifice so the rest of us can enjoy our wonderful United States and freedom to live as we please….
I am thankful today to be able to sit at a table with a plentiful plate of food and dessert. I am thankful to live where I can see trees wave in the breeze and the sun shines on a green forested area with beautiful wild animals who come visit for my pleasured delight when put out corn and grain for them to eat. I am in a very short thankful to be alive and loved by my family and little pets.
Happy Thanksgiving day to all and be safe….
by Jackie B. November 26th, 2009 at 10:51 amYou’re amazing, Toni. I’m thankful you’re my friend.
I try never to live in the past regretting choices I’ve made because you can really beat yourself up. I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 18 and gave up a great opportunity in Southern California at the University of Redlands in order to stay in Northern California and be close to him. I’m thankful that I made that choice because even though I ended up breaking up with him, dropping out of college, and moving to Sacramento making a pittance, without that experience I’d never have ultimately met my husband, had my fabulous kids, had my career in the legislature
by Allison Brennan November 26th, 2009 at 12:20 pmWhoops, hit the submit too soon! . . . I was going to say after my career, getting burned out on said career and turning back to writing but instead of as a stress-relieving hobby, turning to it seriously. Sometimes, we really do make the right choice for the wrong reasons.
by Allison Brennan November 26th, 2009 at 12:22 pmI would say that I’m thankful for my bad covers (last trilogy) so that I really appreciate the good covers!!! (SIN series.)
by Allison Brennan November 26th, 2009 at 12:22 pmWhat a heartfelt post, Toni. Yanno, the other day one of my kids asked me if I regretted not finishing college. My gut reaction was, Yes! And I wish I had be more adventurous and done all kinds if crazy things! But like George, I realized in the next breath, had I done all of those things I would not be pulling up into the driveway of the house that love and hard work built. So, no regrets. The good the bad the ugly the hard the easy and the heartbreaking, all of those steps brought me to a place I would not trade for the world.
However! I see adventure in my future. Lot’s of it!
by Karin Tabke November 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pmToni, amazing post, thank you for the reminder.
while we do tend to be thankful for the good things in our lives, I have often been – well maybe not thankful – but I guess grateful for some of the really terrible things in my life, because where we have been is who we are. The people, places, actions, and affects have all be folded into what be become – without each one of those ingrediants we are a different someone.
While it sounds bizarre I have to say that without having lost my brother I would not have seen the fuller giving side of my family. If I’d not gone through rape, I would not have known 1) the strenght inside myself 2) that I am a survivor 3) learned to help others survive. If I’d not been married to a brutal man I’d have not learned 1) what addiction truly is 2) that I can walk away, 3) Pretty smiles can hide black vipers 4) And that I am not and will not be a punching bag.
It is all about the journey. Where I have been is who I am. I wear each mark, each affect, each stretch mark and bruise, each smile and kind word, each tear and raindrop. Each friend near or lost resides in a nook in my heart, each memory is taken out and petted, cherished, and stored for safe keeping as a reminder of who has touched me and altered and remarked my course.
I am thankful, because I am so genuinely blessed.
by Cele November 26th, 2009 at 5:42 pmSith.
Arriving late, but I wanted to add my thanks to you for the post. As always, you brought a smile to my face and a nod of recognition to your thoughts. Been there, done that, can’t wear the tee-shirt anymore because it’s too faded (or small – lol).
I’m thankful The Only survived that rollover four years ago, and that her vision is now most restored. I’m thankful we live where one of the world’s best eye clinics is located.
I’m thankful for every day when I open my eyes and take a deep breath. There was a time when my lungs didn’t always do that. And there was a different time when I seriously considered just staying in the dark and ending it.
I’m thankful for every time I laugh and for every time I cry. They remind me that joy and sadness enrich my life.
I’m thankful for friends who kick my arse or hug me, and thankful they know when to do which.
I’m thankful for my life. For all the bad, there has been tremendous good and I don’t think I would ever go back and change it.
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.
by Silver James November 26th, 2009 at 9:39 pmThanks, everyone, for your wonderful, heartfelt replies. I ended up without internet most of the day and came home so very late, we just crashed. It was a wonderful day, though, spent with family we don’t get to see nearly enough. I’m just sorry I missed being able to read and comment all day! You guys were great.
by Toni McGee Causey November 27th, 2009 at 10:54 am