 | 15 May 09 |
I had an epiphany about a week ago. It occurred after watching a video of a few smart chicks with regard to romance. The realization was, that no matter how good or bad we think a publisher of romance is, no matter how nasty a blog, no matter how shitty a review, no matter how snarky a website, when it comes to the industry, we all have one commonality: Our love of romance. And it’s all good! It really is! And while I may not agree with some of the methods used, we are all advocates for the genre. I applaud those who strive to diffuse the clichés, push authors and editors to raise the bar, and in general move the genre forward. There are a lot of really smart ladies out there who know their stuff. It makes us all shine. But, boy oh boy is there a price to pay for being honest.
I certainly don’t care for the sniping, the sub-genre bashing or the ad nauseaum debates (you know which ones I’m talking about!), but here’s the thing, we all have an opinion and we are entitled to it. It’s neither right nor wrong, it’s what we feel. It’s a great thing freedom of speech. That said, if a blogger asks a direct question, they had better damn sure be prepared for the answer. They may not like it. Case in point: This whole Perez Hilton vs Miss California thing. On national television, during the Miss America pageant, he asked her a question. He didn’t like her answer, and then, after the show, he went after her. It got personal and ugly. At the very least, he should have been professional about it, accepted her answer as how she felt (he did ask her that didn’t he?) and agreed to disagree. Stuff like this gets crazy ugly. It’s one of the reasons we all agreed here at MSW not to talk politics or religion. Debating feelings is useless and leads to anger and saying things we sometimes wish we could take back.
If you ask for an opinion, and don’t like it, and then proceed to vilify the person for being honest, what does that make you? Since when aren’t we allowed to be honest? Why should we have to duck or feel the need to whip out the WMD’s to defend our feelings? Why do so many people insist on arguing with someone on what they believe? It’s stuff like this that keeps many of us silent. Had Miss California said what Perez wanted to hear, all would be good. But she spoke her truth and got burned for it. As far as taking sides on this, it’s not about her answer to the question, it’s about respecting an individual’s beliefs. Don’t ask the question if you can’t handle the answer.
I have dear friends who are polar opposites of me when it comes to touchy subjects. I accept what they believe and we understand that certain topics are not debatable and we stay away from them. I can’t force someone to think and feel like I do, just as they cannot expect the same from me.
Okay, so I have gone off my original blog subject, which was to say, we’re all in this together. This love of fiction, whether it be romance, thrillers, mysteries, sci-fi or whatever floats our boat. We’re all writers battling the same battles just on different battlefields on different days. Why do we insist on battling each other? It behooves us not to judge, not to be disrespectful and not to get all up-in-arms-defensive when we ask a question and get an answer we don’t like. If that’s the case, don’t ask the question! Some folks might think that’s a cop out. But tell me, what is the point of asking a loaded question and then attacking the person for their answer when it’s not what you want to hear? It’s different if someone answers a question based on inaccurate information. By all means, inform! But when it comes down to personal beliefs, to gut feelings, those, they are our own. Period. IMHO, not debatable.
If I don’t like cats but you can tell me one thousand reasons why I should and I still don’t like them, and then you get all highfy and pissy and make it personal, um, you have issues. It’s a personal preference, one not debatable. What is so damn hard to understand about that? And why must everything get personal and ugly?
I’m not asking, why can’t we all get along? That’s Pollyanna talk, and as nice as it would be if we all joined hands and sang Kumbaya, it ain’t gonna happen, and frankly I think things would be pretty boring if that were the case. I like a healthy debate, I like snark, I like dark humor and light humor, I like to poke fun now and then. Hell, I even like to hang out with a mean girl or two once in awhile. But I don’t like being vilified because I voice my beliefs and my feelings, feelings and beliefs that don’t happen to jive with the person asking about them.
State an opinion? Sure. But don’t berate me for mine. Now, I am off today to have a birthday/celebratory luncheon with four dear friends, then I’m taking my oldest daughter shopping. Long day but good times.
So, while I’m gone, behave! Coz, I’ll be back!
Karin*
© 2009, Karin Tabke. All rights reserved.
A Cop’s Wife Writes the Cop’s Life:
Award winning author, Karin Tabke isn’t just another author with steamy stories to tell, but a cop’s wife who has “seen it all and heard it all.†Some of the hottest stories come from behind the blue wall of law enforcement rather than from in front. Married to a street cop, now retired, Karin is intimate with both and proves it with her sizzling tales and hot cops. Not only are her cops hot, but so are her sexy knights. Karin’s Blood Sword Legacy series is a must read for anyone who loves tales of yore when men were men and women were women, and love did conqueror all!
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Karin, considering we’re opposite politically, we do pretty well ignoring that. I missed the video you were talking about and probably the whole brouhaha. (Like that word.) Unless it’s going to affect me or someone else’s freedom (like a conservative group trying to take over a neighborhood library and banning award-winning books with homosexual content) then I don’t have time to worry about other people’s prejudices. Like you said, we’re in this together.
by Edie May 15th, 2009 at 5:18 amBook banning, Edie? Whole ‘nuther blog!
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 8:46 amI hear you on that one, Karin. I voiced an opinion (and it wasn’t even something I considered a touchy subject) once and the backlash directed at me personally was extremely hurtful. I always avoid religion and politics, but this was merely a comment (amid countless others) on a blog.
And you enjoy your day — I’m stuck with the painters and the mess — house goes on the market on Wednesday, and we’re now in the storm before the calm. Everything’s a mess. And the realtor says I have to organize my pantry like a grocery store, all items grouped and facing front. Thank goodness it’s a very small pantry.
by Terry Odell May 15th, 2009 at 5:20 amOrganize your pantry? Gah! A fate worse than death.
Good luck selling your house, and sorry to hear you got beat up for voicing your opinion. It’s truly unfortunate.
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 8:48 amAMEN, Sista!!
by Margaret A. Golla May 15th, 2009 at 5:49 am
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 8:49 amHello Karin,
What I would like to know, is when did we become so touchy? People seem to take having an opinion as their right to try and change your mind to their way of thinking. I’m all up for a good rational discussion but let’s not get personal. If the hair starts to fly, I just quietly bow out of the situation. I just wish sometimes we could accept peoples differences without having a chip on our shoulder. Have a great day.
by Roberta Harwell May 15th, 2009 at 5:51 amGood question Roberta. I think the answer may lie in the fact that so many people have so many issues and their insecurities take over. and when that happens they get defensive. and when people feel threatened they lash out. last night I suffered through the double grand finale of the New York Housewifes. Not, I might add by choice, my husband god love him, is addicted to that show. Anyway, they had a new housewife this year and she stirred those other housewives up into such a lather it brought everything to the top. So after two hours of hair flying bickering, screaming and downright nastiness, once the designer clothes began it settle, what you had was six vulnerable women with deep seeded issues. I felt sorry for their pain.
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 8:56 amIt all boils down to respect and knowing when to keep your mouth shut. It’s a lesson I’m afraid is often lost on the young and the internet savvy. Yes, one can be old and stupid, too, but I’d like to think there is some wisdom that comes with maturity. The anonymity of usernames and ISPs embolden people and often times pack mentality takes over. Lynch mobs on the net are far more prevalent than they ever were in history.
So-called “free speech” works both ways. I see one side touting freedom and open debate and “all is love, rainbow ponies, and sparkling snowflakes”…as long as you agree with them. Witness the Miss USA debacle.
Extremists on either side of a question tend to get my blood pressure up. On that note, Karin, I hope your day was lovely! I’m going back into my cave to write now.
by Silver James May 15th, 2009 at 6:00 amSilver, well said! I’m with you on the extremists. I too am appalled at the lack of respect coming from young people today. Not so long ago one of my sons had a friend over we had not met before, and during the course of his stay he dropped an eff bomb. In front of me. My son about had a conniption and before i could tell the young man to clean up his mouth my kid did. Now, I know my kid can and does swear like a sailor, but not around me or his grandparents, or any other adult. He knows better.
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 9:15 amYes, respect! I have a very strong opinion, but it’s MINE, not someone else’s. I am happy to state my opinion when discussing a subject but I NEVER try and force my opinion on someone else! I don’t like that. I respect my own opinion but I also respect the opinions of others. For years I was not a blogger because I stated my opinion on someone else’s blog about a matter and it was blown way out of proportion and to this day I still find a certain line used COMPLETELY out of context all over the place! Great blog, Karin!
by Debra Webb May 15th, 2009 at 6:26 amSorry to hear that Deb. It’s unfortunate that so much gets lost in translation. Then of course there are those who intentionally make us look bad. I’m glad you’re back and here with us!
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 9:18 amIt’s good to make the distinction between honest debate and soliciting opinions just to tear them to shreds. One is constructive, the other is not.
by Louisa Edwards May 15th, 2009 at 6:26 amRight on Louisa.
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 9:18 amI used to get into wicked flame wars – them flaming, me defending myself – until one day I realized life’s too short. I’m willing to change my opinion in the face of rational evidence, but when all that’s flying around is flame, no amount of words will change anyone’s opinions. In situations like that, it’s better to just shrug and walk away.
Or in the words of Mom, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. (Of course, sometimes I just can’t help but say something, which I usually regret afterwards.)
by B.E. Sanderson May 15th, 2009 at 6:31 amBeth? You wicked flame girl. Here’s my take on opinions: Everybody has one. Let ‘em, and if we defend ours? We’re instant toast.
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 9:21 amWell said as always, Karin!
Have a great day!
by HollyD May 15th, 2009 at 7:09 amThanks, Holly! You have a great one yourself!
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 9:22 amKarin, we are all in this together, but controversy sells and annoys the crap out of me.
Seriously–a beauty contestant is in the center of a firestorm about this issue? Because a pop culture blogger asked her a emotionally-loaded question? And now the beauty contestant and blogger dominated the news.
But GM shutting down something like 1200 dealerships is just a 30 second blip on the news.
I need more coffee.
Hope you have a great day, Karin!
by Jen Lyon May 15th, 2009 at 8:28 amJen I hear you loud and clear, but we are our own demise. A feeding frenzy at a train wreck will always draw more gawkers than a depressing funeral. Sad but true. It’s why all of those reality shows with meanies thrive. It won’t stop until the onlookers find something else more appetizing. Like maybe each other?
by Karin Tabke May 15th, 2009 at 9:25 amJen, you said it! We really are an ADHD society, and we can be torqued this way and that by a made-up controversy about a beauty queen contestant. The big loser in all this? Nicholas Kristoff.
Okay, I kid.
But seriously, media manipulation is at the center of my new book. The government kills celebrities to deflect public attention away from its seriously bad-ass malfeasance.
by J. JCarson Black May 15th, 2009 at 9:26 amI agree, Karin, that picking on every little thing leaves all of us the worse for wear. It doesn’t help anyone. And sneering at other people’s tastes doesn’t work so well, either.
The simple fact is that we’re all different, and different kinds of books float different boats. I love straight thrillers and crime fiction more than just about anything, but you know what? Three of my favorite books of all time are not in my favorite genre. SHADOW OF THE MOON, romance. LONESOME DOVE, western. SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES, Ray Bradbury (who is a genre all to himself.)
It’s good to be open to other things. We might just end up liking them!
by J. JCarson Black May 15th, 2009 at 9:34 amJake, you are absolutely right! Could you imagine if we were all the same oatmeal cookie? Boring.
by Karin Tabke May 16th, 2009 at 11:45 amDon’t you think that some of our media is responsible for at least a bit of the dissension? The polarizing and critical comments on the so-called “news” these days leave me cold. I yearn for the likes of Walter Cronkite, who was inscrutable as to his own opinion. He reported the actual events, not the spin. And there were no labels or pejoratives, ever. It would be a much better world if the reporters of today were true journalists instead of glorified gossip mongers.
by Karen in Ohio May 15th, 2009 at 10:32 amSadly, we seem to be going in the other direction. We’re losing journalists, investigative reporters, researchers, and columnists with every newspaper that shuts down.
by J. JCarson Black May 15th, 2009 at 11:34 amAbsolutely! Sensationalism sells, baby! Screw the facts! Hubby and I learned that the hard way when he was a cop. The media always made the cops look like the bad guys and the real bad guys the victims. And the facts were never straight! I am sick and tired of watching the news and listening to the so-called unbiased reporters give me their own spin. No thanks. Report the facts, please. The real facts and let me come to my own conclusions. Does the media think we are all so brainless we need them to tell us how to feel?
by Karin Tabke May 16th, 2009 at 11:49 amClearly, that’s exactly what they think, Karin. And because of the lowest common denominator, we are becoming a nation of dolts, I’m sorry to say.
Education! True journalism! Read books! Is that so hard?
by Karen in Ohio May 16th, 2009 at 2:18 pmKarin
by Catherine May 15th, 2009 at 12:29 pmGreat Blog–My girls are 11 and 13. We have had this exact conversation with them. Don’t ask the question, if you aren’t willing to accept the answer.
Whether I’m asking the question or their grandpa–don’t try to change their mind.
Respect–my girls have heard, seen, understood that word more in their short lives than I did growing up.
They know what it means, and we expect them to live it.
Birthday lunching and shopping =) my 2 favorite things.
Have fun!!!
Catherine
Catherine, I had a blast! Teaching kids respect today is a challenge when they are surrounded by peers and the parents of their peers who have no clue what the word means.
I took my son to work this morning, we were late coz he was dragging his butt. I told him, “Showing up 5 minutes early shows you care, showing up 5 minutes late shows you don’t.”
by Karin Tabke May 16th, 2009 at 11:52 amAmen!!
by Catherine May 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pmWhen the kids were little, and sometimes even now, we told them “When you ask a question expect yes or no and no complaining about which one it is.”
If the question is “Do you believe in something?” Expect yes or no and take what you get because you asked afterall.
by Jill James May 15th, 2009 at 4:48 pmlol, Jill! I would always preface that with, “I will give you an answer so long as you agree it isn’t debatable.” Of course they got the answer, wanted to debate and I would put my hand up and say, “You are not a man of your word.” and walk away. after awhile they really got it. but even as adults I find I have to defend the boundaries.
by Karin Tabke May 16th, 2009 at 11:55 amHey Karin, I hear ya. Sheesh, I swear I basically go my own way when it comes to the crap-toss-fest. Wasted effort imo. I love debates and great conversation like you, and love that everyone has their own views. I never understood anyone expecting everyone to share their views if it isn’t their truth. I say appreciate the differences!
by LaDonna May 15th, 2009 at 8:41 pm“Appreciate the differences!” Right on, LaD.
by Karin Tabke May 16th, 2009 at 11:56 amWell said. Love you Karin. You agree with me on all the important things, so as long as you realize that where we disagree, I’m right, then we’ll always get along . . . ha ha ha. That IS a joke.
by Allison Brennan May 16th, 2009 at 1:36 pmGood for us both we pretty much agree on everything!
by Karin Tabke May 16th, 2009 at 9:45 pm