 | 26 Feb 09 |
This blog really is about writing, and creativity… but I’m detouring a bit at first. Bear with me.
I don’t know how many of you watch Top Chef, but I love that show. If you’ve been buried in other things in life and haven’t had a chance to watch, it’s a “reality” TV show where a bunch of contestants are given cooking assignments each show and then judged on that assignment at the end of the show. The contestant with the least favorite food of the judges goes home. And that is the crux of both what works and what’s a problem for the show: momentum doesn’t really count in that moment of judging. There can be a contestant who’s won a couple of previous challenges and they can have one off night and be sent home, whereas another chef who’s basically been in the bottom three all season long can tenaciously hold on just by being average. It’s not entirely fair–nor predictable–but it is what it is and the contestants know this ahead of time. I think the mind-set of the judging is that the “cream will rise” and even though I have had serious doubts about that each and every season, I have to say that typically, the last three standing going into the finale do appear to be the best of the bunch.
Head Judge Tom Colicchio often exhorts the contestants to “cook your food” and to “cook the kind of food that brought you here” that “got you into the contest.” While the assignments are difficult and under extreme time constraints, they are also designed with enough freedom that each contestant can put their own spin on the food–and frankly, that’s exactly what the judges were looking for.
Now, I have to say, I loved Carla. I loved Carla from the first wack-a-doodle comment that she made. She’s this tall, gorgeous African American woman, who not only seemed incredibly comfortable in her own skin, but had such a shining personality that she made everyone around her feel better. She wasn’t syrupy, and she never once, ever, seemed to have a jealous bone in her body or a chip on her shoulder. (A major feat, since I think every single other chef devolved into pettiness at some point–it’s the nature of competition.) I loved Carla for the crazy, honest things she’d say, and the way she’d say them — you could see the real person inside, and you really wanted her to win. She might not have been the best chef technically in the first half of the season, but you wanted her to win.
And then, somewhere along the way, Carla had an epiphany. She’d nearly been eliminated two or three times because she’d second guessed herself or she was trying to do something that she didn’t whole-heartedly believe in. As a viewer, you could see it happening, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on what was wrong, because you didn’t quite know what she was capable of. Then she tossed out all of the “shoulds” — and started cooking her food. Her ideas, her spin, and quit worrying what the other contestants were doing. Sure, they might be cooking four things for a quickfire contest (the fast, usually 30-minute-deadline cookoff at the top of each show which gave the winner some advantage for the bigger elimination round–usually immunity from being eliminated that round) — and Carla would decide to only do one item. She ran the risk of looking like she was doing something too simple to their “big” or “complex” or “wow.” Something almost magical happened–she went from always being in the bottom three to being in the top three–and often winning.
Last night, at the final, taped in New Orleans, Top Chef brought back three chefs from a previous season to act as the sous chefs to help this season’s top three — Hosea, Stefan, and Carla — with their meals. Their assignment: cook the best three-course meal of their lives. The location: Commander’s Palace in New Orleans. By luck of the draw, Carla drew Casey — another very nice, positive woman contestant who had problems during her season of listening to her own instinct. I think if Carla had drawn either of the men as her sous chef, she might’ve been better off, for this reason: both of those other men were incredibly strong-willed and whenever we saw Carla up against someone like that, she stood her ground. It’s the friendly, quiet suggestions that slipped in under her radar and derailed her. And sure enough, we see a point early on where Carla is talking to Casey about the menu she wants to do, a down home “beef and potatoes” type of thing (with her own twist on it, and some incredible sauces) and Casey makes a suggestion to sous vide the beef:
French for “under vacuum,” sous vide is a food-packaging technique pioneered in Europe whereby fresh ingredients are combined into various dishes, vacuum-packed in individual-portion pouches, cooked under a vacuum, then chilled. Sous vide food is used most often by hotels, restaurants and caterers, though it’s expected to become increasingly available in supermarkets.
And that’s when we heard Carla say, “I’ve never done sous vide, but that sounds good.” You could tell it wasn’t really coming from her heart, that she was under time constraints and trying to utilize the help she’d been given. She was relying on someone else to dictate to her what this final meal became… this meal that was supposed to showcase her cooking. Then for dessert, she was going to do something with a tart (and she’d won with desserts before, so a tart was her strength) and Casey suggested doing some sort of cheese souffle and Carla went with that, too. I’m not sure why she made either decision. She’d already learned in this competition that she should cook what came from her heart–her own wacky new combinations, because they would grow out of her talents.
During the judging, it was clear that the items she’d gone with her own instincts on were clearly the best of the three (in a head-to-head competition, all of the courses were judged against each other at the same time, not sequentially). (The judges had added an appetizer as a way to add pressure, so each contestant had four courses.)
The courses where Carla had not listened to her own gut instinct? Were not nearly as good, and ultimately, doomed her.
As the three contestants stood later during the judging round, Carla was exceptionally dismayed because she realized her mistake. She stood there with grace and poise and didn’t blame Casey–but she admitted to being influenced. It was clear from the judges that her food, done her way, had a lot more soul and power than the men’s… but not the courses where she’d second-guessed herself. She cried, though she hung tough and didn’t sob. [I have to say here that Stefan, who'd been shown to be a prick most of the season, surprised the hell out of me when he broke the line at that moment and went over to console her--and ended up having tears running down in face in compassion. Clearly, we did not learn as much about Stefan all season as we could have.]
Even after the contestants left the room, and every judge agreed Carla was out of the running, and even after Tom Colicchio said, “I think even Carla would say she was out of the running,” when given a chance to vote for who they thought ought to be top chef, the audience still wanted Carla. And ultimately, she did not win and the win went to Hosea. [I have issues with Hosea for cheating on his girlfriend with one of the other contestants during the season, and apparently being relatively immune to the ramifications of that, but that's a whole separate blog.]
I was bummed for Carla. Exceptionally bummed for her, because I think that she probably was the most innately talented of the three finalists. She certainly had the personality of a “Top” Chef and I could see her running the kind of kitchen / restaurant where people were excited to work.
But the lesson–listen to your gut–could not have come at a better time for me to reinforce some things I needed to remember.
It is very very easy, when we’re creative, to get caught up in a world of “shoulds” – a world about marketing and what other people think. It’s very easy to get derailed by even the best of intentions, because part of the make-up of women is that we *do* communicate and we *do* listen and nurture and balance out the various sides of the arguments and try to find the fair and common path. Anyone who’s had to wrangle kids and / or family expectations knows how that role can be thrust upon us.
I’d been thinking about this over these last couple of weeks, actually–the show last night was just the final punctuation to that process. Back when I first had the concept of writing Bobbie Faye, I was a screenwriter. My then-agent heard only the first half of the title and interrupted me and said, “No one’s ever going to buy a story about a woman set in the south. Especially one having a bad day. Think of something else.” She meant well–she wanted me to sell. She’d believed in me for a long time and she’d gotten me into places that astounded peers of mine who’d been at it much longer, so I couldn’t just write off what she said…. could I? Wouldn’t that be career suicide? So I tried and tried to come up with something else more marketable, and realized, nope, I’m just not that kind of person. I have to write something that appeals to me. I was making a living doing something else at the time, so if I was going to spend the time writing, I wanted to spend the time doing something I really wanted to do–writing the kind of book I loved to read–and to hell with the “shoulds.” It went on to sell in a three-book deal on a pre-empt, the path of which was strange and filled with flukes and luck. But the work had gone into it–and the heart. I’d been writing, at that point, for 20 years, and I realized that Bobbie Faye was really one of the first times I’d fully listened to my gut.
Right now, I’m working on something else. (I’ve just turned in the third Bobbie Faye, which will be out this August). I need to switch gears for a while, and I had a host of high-concept ideas I’d been playing with. I even got one down on paper, on one page, and sent it off to a couple of trusted writer friends, who were very encouraging.
I couldn’t make it work. I kept feeling… cross-eyed over it. That’s the physical manifestation of what was going on in my brain. It was like I had two different kinds of books that I was sandwiching together, because I thought I “should” have this high-concept type of thing that was easy to pitch. Only, I didn’t really actually have a story there… just some vague notions. I might even be able to come up with a story there, but something wasn’t clicking for me.
On my way through some research for that project, though, I came across something and it was as if the top of my head blew right off. I had known about this piece of history, but not some of the details and I felt utterly gripped by this story. I wept through the reading of it, and I kept thinking, “Why hasn’t someone written about this? I can’t believe someone hasn’t written about this! Someone really should write this.” And then I’d read a little more, weep, talk my poor husband’s ear off, read some more…. weep… and a little voice in my head kept thinking me me me me me me me.
And my husband, who knows me too well and knows I will second-guess myself, said, “You were meant for this story.”
And I thought, “My God. Yes. I am.”
I admitted to him that’s what I really wanted.
Then I immediately started second-guessing myself. It’s different than what I’ve done before (but I know I can do it) and it’s not what anyone would expect from me (but I know I can do it) and it’s not at all how I’ve been branded (but I know I can do it) and it’s not going to be an easy thing to pitch because of the tragedy (but I know I can do it) and I have no idea if there’s even a market for this sort of thing (but I know I can do it)…
Then I saw Carla last night, and when they asked her why she should be Top Chef, she said, “Because when I cook my food…. it’s great. My food… is amazing.” And you knew what she was saying… she was saying, “But I know I didn’t cook my food tonight.”
I don’t mind going down for something I’m passionate about. I may fail, but I’ll fail at something I really wanted to do.
I don’t want to go down because I didn’t cook my own food.
So thank you, Carla. You were beautiful and lovely and I hope you have much success… but thank you for being open and honest and giving women everywhere a reminder that we should trust our gut and do what’s right for us.
How about you? Tell me what’s the last thing you did where you trusted your gut and it worked out (or didn’t and it didn’t). It might be a family matter and you want to just say “family” — but let’s hear about gut instincts and why you think we don’t always know how to trust them, as women.
© 2009 Toni McGee Causey. All rights reserved.
Toni McGee Causey lives in Baton Rouge, LA, and is the best-selling author of the BOBBIE FAYE trilogy. She has contributed a critically acclaimed short story to the KILLER YEAR: STORIES TO DIE FOR anthology edited by Lee Child and an essay in DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS. Additionally, she recently produced an indie film, LA 308. She and her husband, Carl, are licensed general contractors and, in order to support her writing addiction, they run their own company, specializing in civil construction.
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Darling Toni, I weep with joy that you’ve written this piece. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I had this same epiphany last night watching Idol. (Which was Oh So Bad last night.) One of the judges, can’t remember who (probably Simon or Randy) said “Sing YOUR song. Sing the song that suits your voice, not one you just like to hear or you think the audience will like.”
Yes, yes, a thousand times YES. This so applies to writing. I thought about it all during my morning dog walk, and as I’ve written a few pages today. The ones who break the code and write what is perfect for their voice, regardless of the market trends, are the huge breakout books in our business. Moreover, they are the happy, long-term writers.
I’m playing with something new just for fun right now and this is all I can think about. Writing to my VOICE. Forget what editors, agents, reviewers, and blogmeisters say is selling or not selling. If you write to YOUR voice, as Carla in your example learned the hard way, you will truly sing regardless of your medium. (Food, words, music, even business.)
Loved this. Needed it. You rule the day!
by Roxanne St. Claire February 26th, 2009 at 7:42 amOh, Rocki, thank you! And this:
“The ones who break the code and write what is perfect for their voice, regardless of the market trends, are the huge breakout books in our business.”
I am printing that out to remind me later when I am sure that I lost my mind somewhere.
I cannot wait to see your new project, as well. I *know* that if you’re being true to you, I’m going to snap it up and love it.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 9:25 amYou are so right Toni. It is the same way when I pick an audition song. If I listen to others opinions, I end up going with songs that don’t feel like home to me. I have no problem whatsoever standing up in a bar full of rock and roll wannabes at karaoke and belting out a Broadway ballad because it’s what I know and love and excel at. I second guess myself far too often though and that is probably why I hate my job so much……LOL.
by Lori February 26th, 2009 at 8:03 amOh, Lori, I’d love to hear you sing! I hope we can do that, sometime. I confess… I have never been to a karaoke place and always wanted to go hear people having fun singing. It’s no pressure to be good, just to have fun! We’ll have to go sometime.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 9:26 amDefinitely! One of these days I will make it Louisianna or you just have to come visit Baltimore! We would have somuch fun!!
by Lori February 26th, 2009 at 10:32 am
It’s a date.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 10:54 amDamn straight, girl. You’ve found your story. Now just write the hell out of it.
by pooks February 26th, 2009 at 8:13 am
Thanks, Pooks. Back atcha.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 9:27 amToni,
I agree that you really can not let anyone influence you in anything you do, from writing to getting a job to even cooking. I myself learned the hard way and listened to everyone when they told me how well my ex husband was and how we were made for eachother. Yeah and so now he is my ex for a reason!!!!!!hmmmmmmmm that marriage did not last a year, but now married to the most wonderful man in the world and still everyone told me that the hubby was totally wrong for me, I DONT CARE!!!!!!
by Cindy Mac February 26th, 2009 at 8:30 amSo yeah I know listen to my gut and it has practially saved my sanity and more on several occasions…
CindyMac
CindyMac — woman, you cracked me up, and I am SO glad for you that you listened to your gut this second time. It sounds like you have found the perfect guy for you. Yay!
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 9:28 amToni, even though I LOVE your Bobbie Faye books (and am super excited to know there will be a third someday soon), I applaud your impulse to go with your gut. We do so often get a bad case of the “shoulds”, when doing what we naturally excel at is so much better for us. Brava, and good luck. We’ll be waiting at the other end of the process to help you succeed, and cheering you on in the meantime.
by Karen in Ohio February 26th, 2009 at 8:40 am
Thanks, Karen! I love writing her, and there will be more… I just need to do this other story. Thanks so much for the belief and support!
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 9:29 amThe stuff we have the most passion for is what works the best for us, always. We just have to learn to listen to our own selves. I think it’s much harder for women to do this, especially if it means that our family has to take a slightly less important position in our life, at least temporarily. But over time, I’ve found that if I’m happy and fulfilled, so is my family, and my daughters have benefited from seeing me strive for a goal and attain it. There’s a lot to be said for that, too!
by Karen in Ohio February 26th, 2009 at 11:19 amAbsolutely! Perfectly said.
Isn’t it just funny and amazing and kinda frustrating that we all have to keep reminding ourselves about that from time-to-time. I would wonder about guys feeling that way, except I had an email exchange with a male friend who’s come up with something new he’s passionate about, but it’s very different for him. It’s brilliant, and yet, he has doubts.
I kept thinking that one day, when I was a grown up, all of this would be solved. [I'm still waiting to be a grown-up.]
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 12:54 pmToni,
You are one talented lady. I’ll follow you wherever your writing takes you.
I always follow my gut when I think something is off healthwise w/ one of my kids. There have been times when hubby thought I was nuts, but it turned out I was right.
by Violet February 26th, 2009 at 9:48 amOh, Violet, what an incredibly sweet thing to say.
And man, you are so right about the gut instinct with kids… I’ve learned to listen to that instinct. I’ve been amazed at how frequently we sense something “off” before it’s even a big issue.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 10:55 amI cried a little reading this! Is tehre anything more inspiring than food? I love the way you related Carla’s lesson to your own new inspiration, and I have to say, your passion for what you’re working on now jumps off the page and makes me desperate to know what it is and when it’ll be out so I can get my hands on it!
My first serious attempt at writing was a paranormal. I’d always liked reading them, loved Buffy, etc, but I’ll admit now that the reason I started writing it was because it was easier to hop on the vampire bandwagon than sit down and think about what I truly wanted to write. Needless to say, that book didn’t work. I got an agent on the strength of it, but when she very tactfully said we needed to put it aside and try something else (without even shopping it!) a part of me knew exactly what she was really saying. It was competent, but it didn’t shine. It wasn’t really me. So I started a book I thought would never sell, about a chef hero (oddly enough!) and a restaurant critic, and New York, and a whole cast of cooky weirdo cooks…and sold it to St. Martin’s in a pre-empt, on proposal. It sounds so trite to say “Write the book of your heart” but it totally works!!
by Louisa Edwards February 26th, 2009 at 1:00 pmLouisa, thank you. And CONGRATULATIONS. I am behind on what everyone is doing, but I love your description of your book. I went to Amazon to check — it’ll be out in Sept., right? I’m definitely going to be ordering it!
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 1:20 pmI needed this. I’m constantly questioning myself when I’m writing–now more than my first few books. In fact, my first few books I never really questioned what I was writing, I didn’t doubt myself like I do now.
I can’t wait to read your book, Toni. I’ll love anything you write. And I know you can do it, too.
Ask me about trusting my gut after I write the first seven deadly sins book. I know what I need to do, but fear I’ll start second guessing myself . . .
by Allison Brennan February 26th, 2009 at 1:05 pmAw, Allison, thank you. I always see you as such a stellar level of confidence (;) )… your books are awesome and every book is better than the one before it. I dunno how you do that, and so frequently.
You’re gonna rock those seven deadly sins books, because you’ve got such a unique voice and twists and story… we’ll be a mutually supportive NO SECOND GUESSING ALLOWED club.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 1:28 pmToni!!! You go, girl! I’ve been down that road. Wrote many different things, tried to please everyone (including my friends) when I should have just written the book that was bursting inside me! Sticking with our gut makes us fearless females!
by Debra Webb February 26th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Oh, we should totally have a Fearless Femme party one of these days. Everyone invited, virtual drinks on the house.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 1:33 pmWhat Roxanne said. Those Idol contestant last night did not use what go them there. They tried something different, and for that, they are gonners. Play to your strengths and write whatcha’ know. And I don’t mean write about cops if you’re a cop, i mean write passionately if you are a passionate person. Write emotionally if you are emotional. Write funny if you are humorous, write serious if you are serious.
And always listen to that little voice in your gut. Always!
by Karin Tabke February 26th, 2009 at 1:49 pmYep. Amen to that.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 1:53 pmToni, very inspirational blog! I question myself all the time. But the place where I held firm was in my agent. She believed in my witches and witch hunters, and I believed in her. It took some time, but my agent found the perfect editor and with a lot of work, it all came together. Or I hope so, we’ll see…
Anyway, I don’t watch Top Chef, but you made it sound great!
by Jen Lyon February 26th, 2009 at 2:12 pmYay, Jen! And obviously, that gut instinct paid off. And fingers crossed that it exceeds all of your dreams.
I’d been a Top Chef fan from season one. I don’t watch much TV–I’ll catch the last few Idol shows, and Project Runway, and that’s it for “reality TV.” I love watching those chefs compete though. It’s like someone says, “3 minutes, take this cream cheese, cardboard and alligator and make a meal for 1700 people.” And they do.
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 5:17 pmHey Toni, great post.
by ~Linda~ February 26th, 2009 at 3:36 pmThe last time I listened to my little voice bit time was I took a chance on sharing a room with some girls I had never met to go to RT. Now I have friends for a lifetime.
Hey. And a fine group of women y’all all are, so that is a *very* smart gut you’ve got there. I wish I was seeing all of you at RT this year! Maybe next…
by Toni McGee Causey February 26th, 2009 at 5:18 pmSadly, I wont be at RT this year :O(
To many accidents andto much missed work.
I do hope you will be at RWA..*and stay at your table enough to be found* :O)
With it being in DC I am most certianly going.
by ~Linda~ February 27th, 2009 at 8:32 pmToni, I’ll read anything and everything you write. Heck, I’ll bet even your shopping lists are positively seeping with talent.
by Alice February 26th, 2009 at 8:16 pmMy gut has never ever failed me. The best gut decision I ever made was to marry my husband. We started planning our wedding two days after we met and were married less than 4 months later. My poor mother was beside herself, but I just KNEW that I was making the best decision of my life.
Toni, I may be late, but I wanted to chime in. What’s that quote? “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” When a writer puts her heart in it, the words sing. They tumble out of the imagination like a jar of marbles spilling across the scarred linoleum floor of the story, scattering like jewels across the patch of sunlight filtering through the window high above.
I have no clue what historical incident you are referring to, but I WANT to read this book. And you haven’t even written it yet. I can feel how it resonates inside you, how it echoes in your words when you speak of it. Please write this book. For yourself and for all of us who want to listen to your voice as you tell it.
As long as I’m spouting quotes tonight, I leave you with this thought. As Eleanor Rooesevelt reminds, “Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
by Silver James February 26th, 2009 at 9:57 pm“They tumble out of the imagination like a jar of marbles spilling across the scarred linoleum floor of the story, scattering like jewels across the patch of sunlight filtering through the window high above.”
God, Silver, that’s beautiful. I love that image.
And thank you, for the vote of confidence! Y’all have really helped. Seriously.
by Toni McGee Causey February 27th, 2009 at 11:40 amHi, thanks for a great post. Glad I found this blog! Here’s my example:
Elizabeth George, the crime novelist, invited me to write a short story for an anthology she was putting together–women writers writing to the theme of lust or greed. (It’s called “Two of the Deadliest, coming out April from HarperCollins. This newbie is excited!)
Nervous like you wouldn’t believe, I wrote my story and sent it to Ms. George for editing. (She edited all the stories herself.) I’d tried to be splashy, “original” and special. Her feedback told another story. She gave it to me straight: my story needed a lot of work and these were her suggestions, and so on.
I was devastated on one level. On the other, I was professional enough to know that revision is a fact of life. But, something else tickled at me: The story I’d written just wasn’t that good and never would be.
The easy thing would have been to revise the existing story per her suggestions. Plus, all the work she’d put into thinking about how I could improve the story! She’d spent time on her editoral letters/edits!
But, still, my gut told me I needed to start fresh, quit trying to be “original,” and write the way I write, which is a little more down-to-Earth. My gut said to suck it up and do all the extra work this entailed. My gut said that however scary, I’d best email Ms. George…
I was nervous to email Ms. George, so I slept on it. I felt like a big loser, but the next morning I wrote her that I was going to start again. And I was SOO glad I did. Ended up that she was okay with this, and it ended up that she loved the second story by the time it was done. Yay!
by Lisa Alber February 26th, 2009 at 11:49 pmToni, lovely post! I’m a gut-gal too. Thanks for sharing Carla’s story. And like others have mentioned, I can’t wait to read that story inside of you. You go!
by LaDonna February 27th, 2009 at 8:14 amThanks, LaDonna! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that… if I’ve communicated well enough now that it’s made people curious, then I have hope.
by Toni McGee Causey February 27th, 2009 at 11:41 amwell i should have known we would think the EXACT SAME THING!
by liz March 2nd, 2009 at 11:15 amOKAY, let me try this again. i should have known we would think the EXACT SAME THING. i have been watching and hoping Carla would take the top honors. isn’t it funny how after all these years we still have the same thoughts…not so funny? just plain weird….
by liz March 2nd, 2009 at 11:17 am