 | 18 Dec 08 |
When I was five, my grandparents came to visit for Christmas, which meant they would be there on Christmas morning to open presents. This sounded like an utterly excellent idea because two more people probably meant at least one more present for me. Seriously, that was the whole point, right? I wasn’t sure how Christmas could be better, because I was pretty certain that Santa was bringing me my heart’s desire:
Oh, I so wanted that sucker. I think every third word out of my mouth had been Easy Bake Oven. For months. How my mother did not kill me and stuff me into pie I do not know. Seriously, I want to go back and tell that little kid that in the future, she was going to reference the kitchen as that big vague area with the refrigerator that holds the diet cokes so SAVE HER BREATH and ask for a toy typewriter. She is never going to bake cakes and pies and if she does, they are going to taste suspiciously like the mud that she used in the recipe for the Easy Bake Oven Chocolate Cake because she ran out of cake mix and mud was sort of the same color so it was the SAME THING, RIGHT? Oh, how I could save that little girl a lot of disappointment.
Anyway, even at five, I was dimly aware that my grandparents were slightly grumpy. [I think the expression "mean as a snake" had been used once in reference to my paw paw, but the Snake Union petitioned for a cease and desist on the grounds that it was slanderous and won.] It didn’t matter, though, because for starters, I pretty much hung the moon as far as my grandparents were concerned, and in my spare time, had tossed out a few stars. And it was Christmas. How on earth could anyone anywhere on the planet not be joyous because I was about to get presents?
Our family had the tradition that you were not allowed to open anything on Christmas Eve. I think somewhere around this point my parents caved and would allow ONE and only ONE present to be opened. I secretly think they had a betting pool going with the neighbors to see how many minutes of indecision it would take for me to pick out a present before my head exploded all over the tree.
I have no memory of whatever it was that I got that night because that night was the night before the Easy Bake Oven and the next morning was going to be the morning of the Easy Bake Oven. I could not fall asleep (I think we were made to go to bed around eight) and I was awake for hours counting down to the time that the house was quiet enough for me to hear if Santa came. And then I could hear him. Finally. But I knew that I was not allowed to get up to peek and believe me, I was not about to piss off the man who was bringing me the EASY BAKE OVEN OF HEAVEN, FOREVER AND EVER AMEN. So I stayed in bed and waited and waited and waited and the house was hushed and the crickets chirped their stupid cricket song that basically meant it was still nighttime and I was two rooms away from the Easy Bake Oven and it was KILLING ME.
I waited as long as I could. As. Long. As. I. Could. I think it was somewhere around four in the morning when I deemed it safe to slip out of bed because see, I had done that the year before–slipped out of bed early and gone in and played with my presents for a couple of hours in the OHMYGODIT’SEARLY o’clock that my parents typically awoke for, but I would studiously avoid every single year except on that one day. I crept along the hallway and went through the dining room, tiptoeing into the dark living room.
Now, I have incredible night vision, and practically have cat eyes–I could see the tree and all the presents Santa had laid out and there was no Easy Bake Oven. At least, not out in the center of the room in front of the tree, but I was not to be deterred, I knew that it was there, somewhere, it was calling to me, and I eased around presents and wove silently between packages until I was at the far side of the tree, and LO, IT WAS THERE. My little brother Mike had followed me in (but not before I had made it crystal freaking clear that he better not make a SINGLE SOLITARY SOUND that woke up our parents and ruined our early morning adventure, thus depriving me of the Easy Bake Oven or else he would DIE before he got to play with a single present and I was not kidding. That was the quietest that kid has ever been, to this day.)
But I don’t think I noticed because the Holy Grail of all Christmas presents was before me, and not even still stuck in the box–it was sitting out in all its glory where I could touch it. I quietly opened the little oven doors and moved around some of the cooking tins and I think I held my breath ’til I was completely lightheaded. The sheer awesomeness of its teal beauty made me want to weep with joy. It was bigger and better than I had imagined all of those times I had pointed to it in the catalog or on the TV commercial and it had a REAL stove top that was SHINY and from about two feet away, a deep male voice boomed, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?”
I think I went through the tree, I left that room so fast. I’m 99% sure I trampled my little brother and knocked him unconscious and my footprints were on the tops of packages and the side of the wall and a couple of lampshades five feet off the ground. I made the land speed record getting back to my room and under my bed, in the far corner, with about three hundred stuffed animals in front of me to block the way of EVIL SANTA who clearly not only really sees you when you’re sleeping, but really freaking did know when you were awake.
It took them a couple of hours to find me.
It did not compute for half of the day that the voice had belonged to my paw paw, who’d been sound asleep on the sofa next to the tree until he suddenly awoke to noises in the room and thought someone was inside the house, stealing the presents, because he couldn’t actually see me in the dark on the other side of the Christmas tree, little as I was, hunkered down next to the Easy Bake Oven. It probably didn’t help me believe his tale of totally innocently scaring the living bejesus out of me because he laughed so hard, he had to keep wiping tears from his eyes as he re-told how I’d gone over objects as tall as his head to get out of that room.
Yesterday, my granddaughter Angie was zooming along the house–she’s fourteen months old and adorable and fascinated with the Christmas tree, but not entirely aware of what all of this is about yet, and it dawned on me that not too long from now, she is going to be five and she’s going to bug the living crap out of her parents for something and she’s going to probably take after me and tiptoe into the room in the wee hours of the morning to see what Santa brought her and I cannot tell you how much I will be tempted to find an excuse to spend the night on their sofa and pass down my paw paw’s tradition. Because if I get to see her plow over their tree and any potential siblings? Even if I have to pay for therapy for the next twenty years, it would be totally worth it.
(Kidding.) (Sort of.)
I can tell you this–I remember that Christmas with a crystalline clarity and I have no clue what the Christmases afterward were like, nor who visited.
So tell me about some of your crazy or not-so-crazy family traditions around this holiday season or what toy could you just not live without.
And here’s a close-up of a part of my tree… the tree is mostly teddy bears (three sizes, over a hundred bears) and apples and roses and doves (and not a single breakable thing, in case any future kid feels the need to go over the danged thing):
© 2008 – 2009, Toni McGee Causey. All rights reserved.
Toni McGee Causey lives in Baton Rouge, LA, and is the best-selling author of the BOBBIE FAYE trilogy. She has contributed a critically acclaimed short story to the KILLER YEAR: STORIES TO DIE FOR anthology edited by Lee Child and an essay in DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO MISS NEW ORLEANS. Additionally, she recently produced an indie film, LA 308. She and her husband, Carl, are licensed general contractors and, in order to support her writing addiction, they run their own company, specializing in civil construction.
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Oh my gosh Toni. That is a great story! I wish I could think of one to share but my Christmases all seem boringly normal and sedate. There was the one year when my brother was in town and we went to Christams Eve services together and in the midst of the service, I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to buy mushrooms for the stuffing (and really, how can you not have mushrooms in stuffing) so when the service let out at 10PM, we began our search for mushrooms. We ended up (2 hours later after countless mushroom-less 7-Eleven stops) in a very bad part of downtown Baltimore at a tiny corner store with bullet holes in the front window and a can of mushrooms that was covered with a light layer of dust. It is a wonder nobody ended up with food poisoning from my stuffing that year.
by Lori December 18th, 2008 at 9:02 amThat’s a great story, Toni! I remember desperately wanting and Easy Bake oven, because my friend Cindy had one. We used to make little cakes with blue frosting at her house. I don’t think I ever got it. I find it odd that I can’t exactly remember.
by Jen Lyon December 18th, 2008 at 9:02 amI have that exact Easy Bake Oven sitting in my garage! LOL I never had a toy that I could not live without, but do have on I’d never give up! My most favorite holiday present was a small (4″ tall) seated Winnie the Pooh my Mom gave me. She gave it to me for the holidays during my first year of college. I think it was her way of saying that I may be all grown and off at college but I was still her little girl. I cry just thinking about it. I still have Winnie and I graduated from college 30 years ago!
by Qwill December 18th, 2008 at 9:38 amOhh Toni I love your story! I too coveted the Easy Bake Oven. I have an older sister. So was only allowed to touch it when she said.
My toy of wonder was the Vroom x15!
It was beautiful I was 3. When I was looking for a photo of one I found this story.
http://tenpoundhammer.wordpress.com/2008/12/14/guest-post-best-christmas-present-ever-vroom-x-15/
http://www.recumbents.com/x-15.htm
He tell the story much better than I could.
I was awe struck by my beautiful vroom x15.
Thanks Toni for making me think about this. I had forgotten about the shier joy of it all….
by ~Linda~ December 18th, 2008 at 9:40 amOMG too funny. My middle daughter is getting an Easy Bake oven for Christmas.
The oddest Christmas was the year my husband was serving in Iraq. The kids & I decorated tree like always with several glass ornaments near the top and shatterproof the rest of the way down.
One evening my oldest slipped and fell, landing on an ornament cutting her leg. It looked long but not deep, until she stood up and it opened up. I almost threw up. I rushed her and the other kids to Children’s Urgent Care. They couldn’t stitch her up because she needed internal & external stitches. We then had to drive to Children’s Hospital where she got to share a room with a kid accompanied by an officer and a set of handcuffs.
I came home got rid of all the glass ornaments, I thought. Swear to God a week later my younger daughter did the same thing but not as bad, just 4 stitches on the side of the knee.
Two weeks earlier another mom and I were discussing that her kids had all had stitches and I was dumb enough to say that none of mine had.
by HollyD December 18th, 2008 at 10:06 amThe Christmas I was 12 I got a 3-speed bike. We were told on Christmas Eve to wake up mom and dad before going into the family room with the tree. Being such good children, my brother and I totally ignored the parental warning. We thought it couldn’t hurt to get our stockings and see if there was candy, nuts, and a tangerine inside. We rushed in, got our stockings and ran back to bed. Our parents woke up finally and wanted to know when we got our stockings. We said hours ago.
We went back to the family room with the mom and dad and there was a 3-speed for me and a big boy bike for my brother. We had totally run right past them to get our stockings and didn’t see them. Our minds were on just one thing – the stockings – and we didn’t see anything else.
by Amanda December 18th, 2008 at 11:13 amI never got an Easy Bake Oven, but I did get a Pound Puppy and a Lite Brite.
by Jane December 18th, 2008 at 12:39 pmI haven’t laughed so hard in a long time. My dogs rushed in and just stared at me as if I was loosing my mind.
by Marie Brown December 18th, 2008 at 2:03 pmI must have lived a really boring life because I can’t remember any Christmas being that memorable.
Thanks for the gift of laughter in this busy season.
Oh, Lori, that is hystercial! And I agree with you about the necessity of the mushrooms, but yowza, the bullet holes would have probably deterred me! You are one dedicated and determined woman.
Jen… LOL. Weirdly, I can’t remember any of the other toys I got the years afterward. I can vaguely remember the stereo I got as a teenager (another thing I lobbied long and hard for), but other than that, it’s all kinda blank. But I remember always having the best Christmas mornings just because of the excitement and traditions.
by Toni McGee Causey December 18th, 2008 at 2:19 pmAh, Qwill, that is so sweet! I have a couple of teddy bears my mom gave me that are on my shelves in my office for the same reason.
Holly, YIKES. Wow, that would be traumatic. I think I’m so accident prone (and my boys were, also), I ended up having unbreakable stuff with ribbons instead of hooks out of self-defense… we were always in the ER for something or other, so I completely empathize!
by Toni McGee Causey December 18th, 2008 at 2:22 pmAmanda, that’s so funny! And I don’t know how I managed to tiptoe past my 6′ 2″ tall grandfather snoring on the sofa not two feet away from the tree, but I did! I was just so totally focused on that oven.
Oh, Jane! Lite Brites! I had forgotten that one, and I got one of those later. I loved that thing–I actually still have that one somewhere in the top of a closet here. Wow.
by Toni McGee Causey December 18th, 2008 at 2:28 pmLinda, that Vroom? Looks *awesome*. I’d have loved one of those as a kid. When my parents could pry me away from the books.
by Toni McGee Causey December 18th, 2008 at 2:30 pmGod, I remember my easy bake oven. And to this day, I don’t cook much. Go figure!
We just watched “A Christmas Story” again for the 1000th time. Friends of ours actually made us a leg lamp and had it delivered in a big box marked FRAGILE on the outside. But even more fun was how they got the LEG to Alaska where we were living at the time. Our friend Gary hauled it on a plane from TX–carrying only a leg and putting it in the overhead compartment since it wouldn’t fit under the seat or in his luggage. Now that’s a real friend. Happy Holidays, you guys! And thanks for the laugh, Toni.
by Jordan Dane December 18th, 2008 at 5:06 pmLove the story! I didn’t see the ending coming, either, lol.
My best Christmas ever was the year when all my cousins got new bikes, but my newly divorced mom had told me earlier she could not afford one for me.
Two days before Christmas, we were all gathered at my grandparents house, and my cousins tried to hold back talking about the bikes they knew they were getting, but they didn’t do a very good job. I was a brave young girl, though, and I acted like I didn’t care. But, oh, I did. I desperately wanted a new bike, too.
Christmas morning, we 5 cousins were all piled behind the living room door, waiting to be let in, and FINALLY an adult opened the door to let us in. I was last through the door and my cousin Lisa turned around and said “Vicki! There are FIVE bikes here! One must be for YOU!” I didn’t believe her, and said “Nunh UH!”
But then I saw it. A shiny turquoise bike with a white banana seat. And it had MY name on it. OMG, I couldn’t believe it.
Mom told me later she sold her wedding ring to pay for the bike for me. Yeah. That’s what moms do. Wow…
Of course, NOW, as an adult woman, I would rather have the wedding rings, lol. Even though they represent my parents’ failed marriage, I would still enjoy having them. But, I wouldn’t trade that Christmas memory for anything, so it’s all good.
by Vicki December 18th, 2008 at 5:38 pmwhat a wonderful story! I really, really wanted an easy bak oven but my SISTER ended up getting it and I got some kind of a doll that wets *blech* LOL!
by wendy roberts December 18th, 2008 at 5:47 pmsooo, I have a Suzy Homemaker Easy Bake Oven story. I found the alternative use. I was, oh, about, I dunno, maybe 8, coulda been a little younger but in that age range. anyhoo, my grandma had come up for a visit in March or April and well, she bought me a flat of petunias that she insisted we plant that day! Imagine my delight when my little trowel hit something hard. I dug deeper and discovered my box turtle that had escaped last year was still hibernating! Promptly I set about making him a new home. A box, heh, for a box turtle. Eagerly, much like Toni did that Christmas she’ll never forget, I waited and waited for the moment my turtle would poke his head out of his shell. But that bugger would not come out! I figured it was because it was too cold. Ah, ha! I had the prefect remedy! You guessed it…
we had turtle soup that night…
by Karin Tabke December 18th, 2008 at 6:20 pmgreat Story.. I got NOTHING to share though.
by Ter December 18th, 2008 at 7:10 pmToni delightful, fully worth the telling and even more so worth the reading. I needed that story on a cold winter’s night – I can so see a vision of your paw paw in my mind with tears running down his bright, red, contorted with laughter face.
I really can’t remember a special Christmas story from my childhood, but my daughter shared a special one with me about five years ago.
My big thing is stockings. I collect all sorts of goodies to go in stockings all year long. Each year my daughter and grandson come home for Christmas. Family tradition is that anytime after midnight Christmas morning you can get your stocking. Krista said she waited and waited for the stroke of the clock in eager anticipation of waking her son to go grab their stockings. Waking him isn’t easy, but finally by flashlight they tip toed into the Christmas room to make off with their stockings. Crawling back into to bed the put the covers over their heads and with their flashlights discovered all the treasures in their stockings together. She says it’s her favorite part of Christmas since becoming a mother.
We do stockings for everyone who is home for Christmas, with each person adding their own treat to each stocking.
Thank you for your story and all the replies, they are awesome…well except the turtle soup… that part is just so Karin.
by Cele December 18th, 2008 at 8:25 pmslurp
by Karin Tabke December 18th, 2008 at 10:20 pmThanks so much for the laughs, Toni – that visual was perfect!
I had an easy bake oven – and frankly, it scares the crap out of me that we actually ATE stuff that was cooked over a light bulb.
xo and ho ho ho
by Kathy Sweeney December 19th, 2008 at 4:12 amKathy
Toni,
OMG….that definitely should have come with a spew alert!!! Good thing I wasn’t drinking my morning caffeine at this moment.
No funny stories from me. Other than the year that I must have been throwing “Holly Hobbie” into every sentence, and thus ended up with about six dolls, sheets, curtains, bedding and more.
I never asked for an easy bake oven. I didn’t need one as my great-aunt worked for Creative Playthings, and they had made child-sized and yet real and ready for the over cooking utensils. I could actually make my mini-cakes and pies with my mom’s fullsize. The funny of this is that my mom just called the other day to let me know that she had found them. Yeah!!!!
by Debby December 19th, 2008 at 6:39 amToni, I laughed so hard, my husband came in to see if I needed CPR or the Heimlich. Then he read your escapade, and I thought I’d have to return the favor!
We used to have a huge tree, filled the ornaments we’d collected since both our childhoods and during our marriage. We also have large dogs. VERY large dogs. Our Rottweiler and Great Pyrenees decided there was something on the tree they wanted, we think. All we know is that we came home and the tree was in shambles on the living room floor. Luckily, most of the ornaments could be salvaged.
Jump to the next Thanksgiving. We were in Manitou Springs, CO and found a three-dimensional barbed-wire cactus hung with chili pepper lights. I looked at the hubby. He looked at me. We bought it immediately and arranged to have it shipped home to Oklahoma (we’d flown). The cactus is over five feet tall and almost 3 feet wide. Getting it in time for Christmas was a comedy of errors but it arrived on the 23rd, we got it set up and even found a way to hang a few ornaments.
The dogs sat there staring at it. The Rottie flicked an ear and wandered off, no longer interested. (We figured out that she liked to chase blinking lights when we put up outside lights and she went crazy). The Pyrenees stuck his nose into the middle of it, yelped and took off with his tail between his legs. Our Siberian Husky, who’d been innocent in the affair the previous year (he was at the vet’s), calmly walked over, hiked his leg and…well…did what dogs do.
We still use the cactus *tree*. And every subsequent dog (and a few cats) have left it alone. Every Christmas, my daughter hangs an ornament on it – a dog next to a fire hydrant and we all laugh.
by Silver James December 19th, 2008 at 7:19 amI wanted a Barbie so bad. It was the first year she came out, (yes, I’m dating myself). My dad said no, but I kept asking, and asking. I think my parents were going to bury me a snowbank somewhere and forget about me. But I woke early on Christmas morning, dragging my sisters with me and there she was, (they got one too). I was thrilled. My parents so not so much, but they gave in. They did me a great service, since I still have her, and because of the year stamped on her butt, and the fact I took really good care her. (I knew if I didn’t there wouldn’t be a another one), now my Barbie is worth bucks! Who would have thunk. She’s actually in the will because of her value. It was a tiny investment for me, something my parents never thought would happen.
by Lee December 19th, 2008 at 8:53 amHey Toni, thanks for the hoot this morning! Count me in the Easy Bake Oven club, and like Kathy S, can’t believe we ate the crappola and alive to tell the tale!
My most memorable Christmas was when my Mamaw and Papaw placed this humungus doll under their tree…she wore a size 5. Anyhoo, I was the only granddaughter at the time, and they tried convincing me it wasn’t mine. Haha, yeah right! I couldn’t play with it until after dinner, can you believe they made me wait, and totally adored that doll for many years after. She was the sister I never had! LOL.
Happy holidays to all of you!
by LaDonna December 19th, 2008 at 9:33 am