 | 11 Nov 08 |
Happy Veterans’ Day! This is a holiday sometimes overlooked or given little thought in this busy life of ours. But my father was a veteran, and my beloved husband is a veteran so I must take a moment to acknowledge this day and, in particular, all who sacrifice to keep our country free. I thank all of you.
Besides Veterans’ Day, there are two significant days in the month of November for me and my family. Thanksgiving, of course. We gather, usually at my house, each member of the family bringing the dish he or she is best at preparing. My niece always brings this amazing potato salad—no matter the holiday. My younger brother is assigned the drinks or the paper plates. He doesn’t cook. But, we all have our parts. Who prepares or brings what is an unwritten rule of sorts. If even one person fails to show up or to deliver as promised, it feels different—the meal is not the same. I have certain expectations for Thanksgiving and turkey, dressing, and my niece’s potato salad, are all on the list! It sounds a bit silly, but the day is not as wonderful if everyone doesn’t fulfill his or her part. Can you tell I’m geared up for that potato salad?
The final significant day in November for my family is “my” birthday. I won’t say which day or how old I’ll be because I don’t want to scare anyone. My family never forgets–well, okay, some of them have been known to forget. There’s usually a new purse, flowers and a cake. And a reminder that time is flying by. There’s no potato salad. Family stops by if they have time. No party, no big deal. Just all that cake to make me avoid the scales with even more tenacity.
When mulling over my calendar for the month I acknowledged that there is a major difference in how I treat these three dates in November. Over the years, I have trained my family to do the same. At what point in my life did “I” become the least important part of it? After I married my dearly beloved? After kids came along? During one of the house remodels? Or did I just get lost amid all the characters I create? Or maybe I simply vanished because there wasn’t enough time for me.
So, folks, it’s my birthday month, help me out here. How do you put yourself first? I know, I know, it’s almost a sin to think it…we’re wives, mothers, teachers, so on and so on. But seriously, we rarely EVER put ourselves at the top of ANY priority list. I want to break that vicious cycle. How do I ensure I’m on that list every day of my life henceforth???? Suggestions, please!
© 2008 – 2009, Debra Webb. All rights reserved.
Debra Webb, born in Alabama, wrote her first story at age nine and her first romance at thirteen. It wasn’t until she spent three years working for the military behind the Iron Curtain—and a five-year stint with NASA—that she realized her true calling. A collision course between suspense and romance was set.
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Another thought-provoking blog post. When the kids were little and one day was the same as the next, hubby would take over on Sunday mornings. I could sleep in, read the paper in bed — but as soon as I stepped out of the bedroom, the kids were all over me despite his “Ask Daddy. It’s the big paper day” attempts to give me more ‘me’ time.
And, in what might be a truly selfish tradition creation, I glommed onto Mother’s Day as MINE. Meaning, ‘Take the kids out. All Day. Let me know when dinner’s ready.”
But most days, being Mom came in way ahead of being Terry. Now that the kids are gone, it’s a lot easier to put me first. And I figure I put in a lot of years at the bottom of the list, so I just do it.
Of course, it doesn’t always work — it’s “assumed” that when we go out of town, the mail and newspaper deliveries will be stopped, the lamps will be on timers, the plane reservations will be made, confirmed, and checked-in on line. But he brings me chocolate.
by Terry Odell November 11th, 2008 at 7:54 amOnce your kids leave home, Mother’s Day (and Father’s Day too) sorta become just regular days. I mean, I get cards and presents from my sons, but the DH doesn’t do the “Queen for the Day” thing anymore. After all, I’m not his mother – or so he says. Shall I remind him about the meals I cook and the dirty underwear I pick up from the corner of the bathroom. Is it petty of me to “forget” Father’s Day?
I digress.
I don’t put myself first. I think it’s in our genes to take care of everyone else first. I do the Thanksgiving cooking (with help from the DH cause he’s the gravy king) and to date I’m still not sure who’s coming home and who’s not.
I have to give the DH huge props for one thing though: when he learned I’d signed up for NaNoWriMo (learn meaning I sat him down and told him) and my goal was to finish the book I started 4-5 years ago, he said good for me and he’s gone out of his way to stay out of my way and give me time to write.
by Marilyn November 11th, 2008 at 8:07 amMy husband is also a veteran. He still has four more years in the Army Reserves left. He’s enjoying today, even if it is cold and windy outside.
I put myself first when I go to my critique meetings twice a month. That’s my time. With five kids between 2 and 14, I’m lucky I get that.
Happy Veterans Day everyone!
And Debra – Have a wonderful birthday.
by HollyD November 11th, 2008 at 8:17 amHi, Debra! I think it’s natural for women to end up shouldering most of the responsibility at home — and I do it naturally. The hubby wouldn’t know how to find the online bank account, much less pay a bill. Ahem, but back to me.
This is basic, but it works to remind me I have to take care of me. This isn’t for everyone — different priorities and all — but it does the trick for me. I have a skin regimen, and I’m not ashamed to spend good money on products. I exfoliate, I use good skin cream, etc. I’m taking care of me.
I also refuse to feel guilty about buying certain organic foods, or spending more for bagged salad (organic, of course). I also, shame of shames, will buy the cut up fresh fruit. I know I’m paying more for it than if I cut it up myself, but I also know I won’t cut it up. So I indulge in fresh fruit because it’s healthy for me and I refuse to feel bad about spending more for it.
Again, that’s just me. But I’d say anything that pampers you, no matter how small, is a start in the right direction.
by Lynn Raye Harris November 11th, 2008 at 8:24 amTerry! It is nice to pick those certain days. I have to learn to do that. Traditionally I’ve attempted to “take” my birthday. Doesn’t always work. I am in serious need of me time!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 8:32 amMarilyn, what a cool husband! I agree, I do believe it is in our genes to put everyone else first!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 8:33 amThanks, Holly! We recently had a readers luncheon in Birmingham and it was a very nice “me” day. Maybe I’m just grumpy and complaining. Perhaps there’s more me time jammed in there than I realize.
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 8:35 amLynn, now that is something I really need to start doing for me–the face regimen. I’ve been sorely intermittent with it in the past. I must slow down those wrinkles!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 8:36 amHappy Birthday Deb!!!
It’s true, we get no glory. My brother pointed that out to me last night when he was telling me how much he enjoyed coming out for my daughter’s wedding last month. he went on about how beautiful everything was, how great the food was, the booze, the DJ, the church, the bride, the groom, he then told me I looked beautiful and he wanted to know how it was that during that crazy time, the mother of the bride was not cast in the spotlight, not only for throwing a hell of a party but giving birth to the bride.
I sighed, took a sip of my really nice cab (that is one way I put myself first) and said, “Moms don’t get the glory. We make everyone else look good.” And it’s true, and I’m okay with it.
I wrote almost 9K words yesterday between two stories. When I finally sat down to crash around midnight last night I noticed my youngest son was downstairs on his dad’s computer. He only does that when he has a paper to write for school (because my son uninstalled Word from his computer so he could have more room for his iTunes) I asked him what he was working on, he told me his final version of his term paper and asked me to take a quick look. My eyes were burning out of my head, my back was killing me, and I was exhausted. “No,” I said, “I can barely see, and my back is killing me.” He sighed and said, “I understand.” “Get up,” I told him, and spent another thirty minutes at the computer proofing his paper. I never got a thank you, he’d wandered off to bed…
While I do put my family first a lot, I have no problem buying the wine I like, going to lunch with the girls, buying shoes or jewelry. I even take a few days here and there and head down to Carmel or up to Tahoe with the girls. I have no guilt, and if anyone gives me a hard time, my smart-ass response is, “Cry me a river and have it cleaned up by the time I get home.” Of course my kids are all adults, I couldn’t say that to a two-year-old.
by Karin Tabke November 11th, 2008 at 9:59 amKarin,
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 10:33 amWhat fabulous suggestions! I need a road trip with the girls! I haven’t done anything like that in ages (unless, of course, it was related to work!). ROAD TRIP! Oh, oh, and WINE!
The biggest ‘me’ thing I’ve learned to do for myself was add a dish to dinner that only I like. Just because the rest of the family won’t eat succotash why should I do without. I spent 17 years of marriage doing without until I realized if I wanted it, it was a good enough reason to make it.
by Amanda November 11th, 2008 at 10:53 amAmanda, then I guess the flip side counts as “me” time, too — I refuse to prepare foods I don’t like, even if hubby does (although I have said if he wants them, he can buy them and then I’ll do my best to cook them — hasn’t happened yet.)
by Terry Odell November 11th, 2008 at 10:57 amAmanda, Terry! I love it! Tacos tonight!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 11:00 amHappy Birthday Debra!
My husband is good about making me feel special, but I also fall into the mom trap. What I get tired of is the passive stuff t–Oh I’d like to take you to lunch or dinner stuff that somehow never matreializes, or is unplanned and turns out to be sort of a dud.
On the other hand.I was at conference for my birhtday, and when I got home, my oldest son (doesn’t live with me) was here waiting, my husband and had made a cake and there was a big pile of presents. Pretty nice homecoming!
Treat yourself, Debra, you deserve it!
by Jen Apodaca November 11th, 2008 at 12:05 pmJen, that’s amazing! What a great son!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 12:19 pmHappy Birthday, Debra! I love birthdays.
(Seriously. I really do.)
Anyway, I like to think I’m doing something for myself every time I sit down to write. Sure, I get interrupted on occasion, but thems the breaks. Being a homeschooling mom means I have to squeeze ‘me time’ in between ‘family time’ sometimes. Which means I read or crochet while my daughter’s doing online classes, and I write after school is over. (And even then, if she’s got homework and has a question, I interrupt ‘me time’ to help.) My mother raised five kids, and I don’t think she had a minute to herself for like twenty years. Now she’s got more time to herself than she ever dreamed. It all balances out eventually.
by B.E. Sanderson November 11th, 2008 at 3:37 pmB.E., excellent points! I admire your homeschooling patience. I suppose there will come a time when I wonder what to do with all the “me” time!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 3:50 pmGreat suggestions everyone!
For me, before I started seriously writing, hubby would take the kids to the park on Sundays after church and I would have a private bath with cheese, crackers, and mimosas . . . .
Now, things I do for me . . . buy shoes (I learned from Karin); have a monthly pedicure (again, thanks to Karin I’m now an addict); and indulge in some favorites like good red wine (I liked wine before Karin). I don’t consider conferences “for me”; even though I enjoy them, they are mostly work. But I am planning a long weekend with a couple writing buddies sometime next year, and that will be totally for me, all me
by Allison Brennan November 11th, 2008 at 6:20 pmAllison, I love pedicures. That’s exactly what I need for my birthday! Yay! And the wine, of course!
by Debra Webb November 11th, 2008 at 7:01 pmHappy upcoming birthday, Deb! And when I really need it, it’s definitely the pedicure. Nothing works better.
by Natalie November 11th, 2008 at 7:21 pmMe time???? Is there such a thing? I’m the mom of a 13 year old girl, an 8 year old boy and of course my 36 year old husband…
I totally agree with the Pedicure thing and I throw in a manicure to boot. There’s nothing like sexy fingers & toes, but I have also found that I enjoy sharing my “me” time with one of my best friends. We hang out and yap for hours, watch movies, grab dinner (and hopefully dessert) or cross-stitch in front of the TV while we catch up on True Blood.
by Erika November 12th, 2008 at 9:50 amErika! I love True Blood! A manicure is good, too!
by Debra Webb November 12th, 2008 at 9:57 amHmmm, putting me first? I tend to not like the spot light and after three marriages and three daughters (three of us have birthdays in one week’s time in February and Valentines day) my birthday has become a non issue. What I have begun doing over the last few years is sending my mom a bouquet of flowers on my birthday and writing an annual list of 100 things about me for my blog. It is interesting to see the difference each year.
The one sole thing I do for me happens in the middle of the night, all by myself I climb into my hot tub and watch the stars, planes, satelittes, and shooting stars for a half an hour, then go to bed. Heaven.
by Cele November 13th, 2008 at 9:24 amCele, I love the 100 things about you and watching how it changes over the years! That is so cool! The hot tub sounds awesome, too!
by Debra Webb November 13th, 2008 at 11:56 am