 | 10 Nov 08 |
This isn’t one of my light blogs. Generally, I like writing light, fun blogs. But this morning, I finally gave in and read this story about an eight-year-old boy who killed his father and another man.
I have been purposely ignoring this story because I knew I’d get angry and upset. This is not about gun control—this is about our kids and who is responsible.
Is an eight-year-old child responsible? Does he really understand what he’s done? Does he comprehend that death is forever? They have so little impulse control at that age, and kids have “magical” or “wishful” thinking. Something like, “If I think hard enough about brownies, there will be brownies when I get home from school.” They are still sorting out fantasy from reality. How do we hold an eight-year-old responsible for murder?
And then there’s the story of the boy in Massachusetts whose father took him to a gun show and let him try to shoot an Uzi. The boy lost control of the weapon and killed himself.
My 19 year old son was so furious. This is my son who is seriously considering police work and he does NOT have his mother’s aversion to guns. “Isn’t there a law against letting a little kid fire an automatic weapon?” He was baffled as hell.
I told him a sad truth. “We can’t make laws for everything asinine, outrageous possibility out there. Who would have thought someone would let an eight-year-old child handle an automatic weapon?”
Who’s responsible? Not the eight-year-old boy. Of course he thought he could handle the weapon. He also probably thought he could drive a car or fly an airplane.
And the boy that killed his father and another man? How do we hold a child responsible? I remember when my middle son was two, we were out front and I looked over at him and saw him toddling down the driveway with the big hedge clippers his dad used. My blood ran cold. I could picture him falling on those clippers! And how did he get them? Well that was our fault, we kept them on a low shelf in the garage and it hadn’t occurred to us he’d pick them up.
But of course he did! He saw daddy cutting the bushes, and he wanted to be like daddy. He was imitating his father. I remember this so vividly, how the entire world slowed down as I tried to get to him from across the yard. I told him to stop where he was, and thankfully, he did. I got to him and grabbed the clippers, my heart racing and blood pounding in my ears. I put the clippers on a high shelf then scooped up my little boy and hugged him.
I didn’t blame him, HIS DAD AND I WERE AT FAULT. My son was fine, but all the color drained out of my husband’s face when I told him. The two of us walked through the garage that night looking for items at kid level like that.
My point is this—my son was imitating his dad with the hedge clippers. All three of my sons did that, and at eight, they still imitated the things their dad did. But their dad didn’t give them dangerous things. I don’t even think he allowed them to mow the lawn yet at that age, or at least not by themselves. He sure as hell wouldn’t have given them a gun.
My question is simply this: Why are we treating our CHILDREN like ADULTS. We give them cell phones in elementary school. We give them free access to the Internet. We buy them SUVs they can’t handle at sixteen. We make “stars” out of fifteen year old and shamefully sexualize them as early as ten years old.
We give eight year olds a gun. We wouldn’t be pondering the question of holding an eight year old responsible for these two murders if the kid hadn’t had the gun.
What are we doing?
© 2008 – 2009, Jennifer Lyon. All rights reserved.
Award winning author, Jennifer Lyon, always wanted to be a witch. Since her witch-powers never materialized, she went onto Plan B and now she creates magic in her books. In her new series, the author of the acclaimed Samantha Shaw Mystery Series (written as Jennifer Apodaca) introduces the Witch Hunters, legendary men who must overcome a curse to team up with witches and fight evil.
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I’m going to be watching the responses today, because honestly, I don’t know. Hubby was talking about conversations with parents of younger children on election day, and many elementary schools had mock elections. The things the kids said, obviously echoing their parents, were scary –” If XX wins, nobody will have any money and everyone will get guns and shoot each other”
I tried to raise responsible adults but they have to be raised as children first. “Because I’m the mom” is a totally acceptable answer.
Good post. Thought provoking, even if it’s unsettling.
by Terry Odell November 10th, 2008 at 4:22 amI agree with Terry. As parents, it is our responsibility to ensure our children are safe and act safely. Part of that includes providing safe environments at home and wherever we take them.
by Debra Webb November 10th, 2008 at 5:07 amI’ve been thinking about this for a couple hours now, and I still don’t have the answer for why people can’t just let children be children. And yet, sometimes, while parents are expecting their kids to handle things way beyond their years, they also aren’t preparing them to handle what it means to be grown up. Heck, even grown-ups can’t seem to grasp the whole ‘actions have consequences’ thing these days.
And Terry, I totally hear you on this. In 2004, my daughter was in 6th grade and her social studies teacher decided to hold mock debates about the issues, one of which was abortion. Neither the time nor the place, and definitely not the right person to hold that discussion.
:end rant:
by B.E. Sanderson November 10th, 2008 at 6:23 amB.E., you reminded me of my own elementary school’s mock election. (Dare I say it was Stevenson vs. Eisenhower?) I’ve never been much for politics, and we had to write who we’d vote for and why, and even though we’d read articles (anyone else remember those weekly Scholastic newpapers?) I had no real basis for an opinion other than I knew what party my parents belonged to. About all I remember was that the convention usurped what few TV channels we had, so there was nothing left to watch. Oh, and I did think it was cool the way someone had a lighted sign that flashed “I Like Ike” and I realized it only needed 4 letters.
(Sorry for the digression. Must go get coffee)
by Terry Odell November 10th, 2008 at 6:33 amTerry, it is unsettling and there’s no easy asnwers. These types of events are so shocking and preventable that it’s hard to understand.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 8:29 amDebra, well said! And doesn’t it just seem like common sense?
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 8:29 amB.E. I hear you on the grown ups not grasping the whole action has consequences thing. I don’t know the answers when adults act like kids, and expect kids to handle adult situtations and/or privledges.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 8:36 amTerry, digress as you like
I can’t remember any mock elections in my school, but my kids did all that and the debates. But I still believe parents have more influence if they care to use it.
And I can use more coffee too!
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 8:41 amWhat a terribly upsetting story! It’s hard to know the best way to proceed; as you point out, this has become such a huge cultural problem, it can feel like one family has no ability to do things differently.
It really is too bad that common sense is so uncommon.
by Louisa Edwards November 10th, 2008 at 8:58 amWeekly readers I remember, mock elections in school I don’t. But there are some election moments that do standout from my childhood. My parents being anti Kennedy, but my mom being upset when he was assassinated. It made an impact on me although I was only in the second grade. I remember trick or treating and the people around the corner giving out Vote for Goldwater rulers with a nickel taped to it (this one still makes me shake my head.)
When I heard the little boy had shot himself with an Uzi I was stunned. Then to hear the gun show rep say, “In 45 years we’ve never had this happen before.” 45 years! Unbelieveable. At an age where kids should be learning gun safety with a pellet or BB gun under adult supervision, this kids was handed a LOADED automatic weapon in a crowded enviroment. Again we are shown that being an of an adult age does not mean you possess common sense.
As to the eight year old, there is so much wrong on this on so many levels. Aren’t there laws that regulate the age a child can hunt, the classes they must pass before they can hunt? (I know in Oregon it is 12 or 14.) I have to say when I heard this story I wondered as to the mental make up of this child. But I also worried about him having to live with this horror everyday of his life and how it will change everyday from now on and who is his, how he handles everything in his life. The massive, destructive life altering chain of events.
Sadly you can’t legislate common sense
by Cele November 10th, 2008 at 9:20 amI so agree w/ the “because I’m mom and I said so.” I use that w/ my kids.
My oldest son had a child show him a switch blade at school last month and make comments about cutting people and no one could stop him. My son went directly to the office and reported the kid. The handbook for the middle school states weapons brought to school will be confiscated (duh), police notification, and a one year suspension.
In this case they did NOT follow their own guidelines. He received only a four day suspension and an official police report was not filed by the school. IT WAS BY ME! There was no way I was going to let it drop. I’m still pi**ed off they didn’t do more. So much for their “no tolerance policy.”.
Our job as parents is to teach our kids common sense and a sense of right and wrong. Some parents just don’t have a clue.
by HollyD November 10th, 2008 at 9:38 amI firmly believe that parents need to be responsible for their children and give them age-appropriate toys and tools. My older son, who’s 7, doesn’t understand why he isn’t allowed to drive. He’s 7! He thinks the only reason is because his feet don’t reach the gas pedal. My oldest daughter is nearly 15. She reminds me she can drive in 14 months. I tell her it’s at my discretion.
We have guns in our home. They are locked in a gun safe. Before we got the safe, we had them on top of the closet, unloaded, with the bullets in a completely different location (not really good for home defense, but at that point it was our kids safety we cared about the most.) We’re going to take our oldest to the gun range because we feel she is old enough and mature enough to learn how to use a gun. We’re not taking our 7 year old. Duh.
Even in the country where lots of young boys have guns, they are taught from a very early age about gun safety, not touching the gun. They see what the gun can do because their dad goes out to kill a coyote or a deer and they know that guns are a dangerous weapon that takes a life. They may be given a rifle or a bb gun at the age of 10, but by that time they KNOW. The thing is, city kids who have never been around guns and only watch television have no clue.
Even at the FBI citizens academy, the firearms instructor–the head of the SWAT team–said that safety was the number one focus even among his SWAT agents. They do a safety check at the beginning of every qualifying round. If safety is important to trained law enforcement, it had better be doubly important to private citizens who may go to the gun range a couple times a year.
Jennifer, you’re absolutely right–we can’t protect everyone from the idiocy of others. We call it “barn door politics” in our house–when politicians pass a law to stop something that happened ONCE because of one irresponsible or clueless person.
We need to teach our kids to be safe, but we also have to help them be safe. My oldest daughter wants to know why she can’t have a computer in her bedroom. Every month, I have to go through all the reasons why, and in the end I tell her, “You’ll get a computer when you go off to college, and I’ll still worry because sexual predators are really good at what they do–they know how to lie and manipulate and you won’t even know until it’s too late.”
And I love the, “I’m the mother and it’s my rule, suck it up.”
by allison brennan November 10th, 2008 at 10:55 amJen, this is all so crazy! I have four kids, and I can remember when they were little and all of the competitive mothers yakking about how awesome their children were. “My son walked, talked and could multiply at eight months!” “My two-year old was crowned Little Miss Sunshine, she tap danced and sang Ave Maria to clinch it! None of those other kids could hold a candle to her!”
Gag! the parents are forcing the competition and in so doing the kids are pushed to do and act beyond their years. then you have criminals walking out of court, kids cheating, stealing and lying and getting away with it. society has really taken a nose dive in the integrity department.
by Karin Tabke November 10th, 2008 at 12:11 pmHaving spent 20yrs in law enforcement, I can honestly say I have seen it all. Childre learn from parents, and act on it. I saw generations of the same family coming into jail, often for the same crimes. So yes, they do learn from adults, and it becomes normal for them, if that is all they see or know. Its difficult to say why this kid did what he did. I haven’t read anything about it, but I’m fairly certain this wasn’t something that was a kid who had access to a gun, and decided to copy what he saw on television. There was something deeply wrong, with the adult who were murdered, and what they possibly were doing to the boy.
by Lee November 10th, 2008 at 12:27 pmI raised 3 kids alone, and experienced a lot with them. Kids will be kids and imitate adult behavior for all the good the bad and the ugly. But this case, sets off alarms. Not because of the kid’s age, but because of the fact he targeted two adults, and went after them. To protect him, and the case, a lot is not being released about it. But I’m almost certain when all is said and done, we’ll hear some pretty horrific stuff the eight year old experienced and drove him to act in such a desperate manner. Of course he probably learned how to use the weapon from the very men he killed.
Louisa, I so agree with you on, ” It really is too bad that common sense is so uncommon.”
Cele, you have a well thought out comment, as always. “You can legislate common sense,” is something I say alot. Sad but true.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 12:53 pmHollyD, how scary is that? Middle schools are much more dangerous that people may realize.
Allison, great commnet. I have told my kids many times that the rules are the rules. They didn’t like it. My husband and I were known as “mean” sometimes. It was stuff like expecting the kids to be home when they said they would that earned us that label. We didn’t care. Kids simply don’t have the experience or judgement to be without reasonable supervision.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 12:57 pmKarin, I know those parents! The same parents that “fixed” things for their kids so they never had to deal with consequences. Then they can’t understand why their kids can’t funciton in college when mommy and daddy can’t “fix” a bad test score or whatever.
Lee, I get what you’re saying and you are absolutely right that we don’t know the facts of hte case. I did read that the father bought the kid a gun to shoot prarie dogs and that set me off again. But your comment still stands–we don’t know. And I still say that it was the adults responsibility to prevent this tragedy.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 1:02 pmI didn’t click the link to the story because I’m still purposely avoiding this one. It makes me ill just thinking about it. My 2 oldest are 13 & 15 and I still don’t let them cut the lawn
In our neck of the woods we had a 13 year old kill another 13 year old with a pellet gun just a couple weeks ago.
by wendy roberts November 10th, 2008 at 1:11 pmJennifer, we’ll have to start a club, “The mean parents who don’t understand anything.” I swear, if I hear one more time how I “don’t understand” or “you don’t trust me” or “it’s not fair” I think my head will explode.
And I agree with Lee, there’s something different about this case.
Kids certainly copy parents in many things, particularly behavior and speech and hobbies, but at the same time, they are capable of making good choices and deciding what they like and don’t like. Neither my husband nor I play golf or watch golf, but my 7 year old is obsessed with it and has been taking lessons because it’s the only sport he’s interested in. But at the same time, he’ll sit patiently and watch “daddy shows” every night. They’ve been on this kick with the show “How It’s Made” which is an adult version of the segment from Mr. Rogers (which was my favorite part of Mr. Rogers, especially when then showed how crayons were made!)
I digress.
by Allison Brennan November 10th, 2008 at 1:37 pmOkay, I had to go and read the article again (I had skimmed it quickly) after Lee’s comment, and then I clicked on a video. It’s biased in one sense in that the person interviewed is the child’s attorney, but one fact is pretty clear that disturbs me as well–I am very pro law enforcement as everyone knows, but the police interviewed the 8 year old without an attorney or parent present where he allegedly confessed to the murders. That bugs me. My son is nearly 8. He’d be terrified. Maybe this kid was calm, cool and collected, but there should have been an impartial adult or someone to represent his rights during the interview.
by Allison Brennan November 10th, 2008 at 1:49 pmI was horrified when I heard this story on the news. My son is 8 years old and I can’t begin to imagine “what if this was my son”. HE’S 8!!!
My son is convinced that Ironman could actually be real with the right equipment! Of course he knows he’s not, but that’s only because somebody hasn’t figured it out yet.
Jennifer, I am totally on your side, the adults should be responsible for this horrible crime, I can only imagine the devastation that this child must have faced to do such a horrible thing.
by Erika November 10th, 2008 at 2:27 pmWendy, I’m glad I’m not the only one who avoids news sometimes. I usually read most stories, but once in a while, it’s just too awful.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 3:39 pmAllison, that club is full of parents struggling to do the right thing not the easy thing. Hang in there!
I do agree there’s something odd about this case. But what brings an eight year old to kill and do we hold him accountable. I didn’t watch the video you did–m,aybe I will after my deadline. One of hte articles I read had a priest saying the man bought his eight year old a gun to shoot prarie dogs with. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s odd for sure. These cases are truly heart wrenching.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 3:43 pmErika, I like the way your son thinks! The right equpment–hey who knows? But obviously your son has a mom who is tuned into what he’s thinking.
Did this little boy have that?
It really is horrible.
by Jennifer Lyon November 10th, 2008 at 3:49 pmLate to the party but I had to chime in. A few years ago, #1 son gave me a big paperweight (it’s metal and about the size of a 12″ ruler but 3/4 of an inch thick. Engraved on the front is “Because I Said So.” When he bought it, his wife gave him a funny look and he told her “Trust me. It’s perfect.” And it is!
Also, some friends and I were discussing the dearth of cute little girl clothes in stories. My granddaughter is 2 1/2 and even in her size range some of the clothes are appalling. Baby skank clothes I call them. At least there are still cute little dresses and pants and tops for her. But once you cross the aisle to bigger girls clothes, the clothes all look like they’re auditioning for the local pimp.
So very, very sad. And if mothers (and grandmothers) would complain and not buy from these stores, I wonder if they’d change. Maybe we need a club for that too.
by Marilyn November 11th, 2008 at 8:00 amMarilyn, thanks for chiming in! I see the girls clothes when I’m in the stores. I know some parents of “tween” girls who struggled to find decent but cute clothes. I understand it’s a struggle. I only have sons so I didn’t have to face that.
Love the paper weight!
by Jen Apodaca November 11th, 2008 at 12:17 pmKids have always wanted to grow up fast, and it seems like today there are more and more parents who are concerned more with being friends with their child instead of being parents.
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to make the unpopular decisions. That’s being a parent, but it’s your job.
I am a parent first, and friends with my children second.
by Natalie November 11th, 2008 at 7:25 pm