 | 13 Oct 08 |
I have been thinking. In these dire economic times, perhaps we should diversify in our careers a little bit.
For instance, I saw one of the cable news shows had brought on the actor Kelsey Grammer as a financial expert. Clearly, Mr. Grammer is diversifying since his profession is acting, not finance.
Then I saw a “tease” on the Internet from some expert on the “How To Keep Your Boyfriend From Cheating.” Being an inquisitive sort, I thought, I have got to see this (okay, yeah I was procrastinating but I like to call it research).
The advice, and I’m paraphrasing here, was basically, “Girls, call your boyfriends before they go out for a night with their friends. That will remind them they have a girlfriend and they won’t tend to stray.”
That’s the advice? THAT???? An EXPERT came up with that advice?
So I thought, I can be just as much of an expert consultant as these folks can! And so I am trying out my new Diversified Career here. Introducing…
Authentic Advice from the Lyon’s Lair.
That would be me—Jen Lyon. (Authentic?—Jennifer Lyon is not even my real name!)
To get started, I invited a few people to email me (cough-I-made-them-up-cough) their burning questions and I am advising them with Authentic Answers Straight From The Lyon’s Lair.
Dear Jen,
My boyfriend keeps buying me romance novels. I mean the steamy kind of romance novels. He thinks we should read them together. Do you think he secretly wants to be a cover model?
Signed: Confused.
Dead Confused,
You’re not confused, you are a TWIT. I suggest you let this guy go and take up the hobby of collecting cats. And give your boyfriend the address to my lair, I’d be happy to read the steamy romance novels with him.
Roaringly yours,
Jen Lyon
**
Dear Jen Lyon,
My friend is getting multiple book deals and I haven’t sold my masterpiece yet. It’s not fair! She’s a skank who writes smut. But she’s making money and people are fawning over her like she’s SOMEBODY. I try to tell people all about what I’m writing, how my work writhes with the angst and agony of Real Life. And yet, this skank is lunching with editors and taking meetings with agents while they ignore me! What should I do?
Signed: Devine Word Smith
Dear DWS,
Send me your friend’s name and the title of her books! I wanna read me some smut! The nights get really long in the Lyon’s Lair and smut is a good way to pass the time.
Roaringly Yours,
Jen Lyon
**
Dear Jen Lyon,
Do you have any diet advice?
Signed: Skinny Wannabe.
Dear SW,
Buy bigger clothes and buy more wine. The more wine you drink, the better you look. Also, I suggest baking cookies, cakes and brownies for all your friends. Get them fat. Then give them wine and they’ll tell you how great you look. Works every time.
Roaringly Yours
Jen Lyon
**
So what do you think of my plan to diversify my career?
© 2008 – 2009 Jennifer Lyon. All rights reserved.
Award winning author, Jennifer Lyon, always wanted to be a witch. Since her witch-powers never materialized, she went onto Plan B and now she creates magic in her books. In her new series, the author of the acclaimed Samantha Shaw Mystery Series (written as Jennifer Apodaca) introduces the Witch Hunters, legendary men who must overcome a curse to team up with witches and fight evil.
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Personally, I LOVE it!
by Margaret A. Golla October 13th, 2008 at 5:09 amToo funny, Jen. Ya know, I always suspected that my ‘skinny’ friends hung with me just to look skinnier!
OMG, you are hilarious!! Totally what I needed to kick start my Monday. *g*
by S.J. Day October 13th, 2008 at 8:07 amOMG, that was too darn funny.
by Dru October 13th, 2008 at 8:08 amha ha ha! What a great way to start the week. I’m definitely off to bake and buy wine for all my friends LOL!
by wendy roberts October 13th, 2008 at 8:16 amI think you a have an incredible talent for giving advice.
HAHAHAHA
by ArkansasCyndi October 13th, 2008 at 8:30 amJen, I think you found your second calling! I love giving advice!! Not that anyone takes it. I do It’s Just Business Tuesdays on my personal blog, answering industry questions, but in another life I’d love to be a lonely hearts columnist.
by Karin Tabke October 13th, 2008 at 8:50 amI’m with Karin, I give a lot of advice, that no one follows. But love the one on loose clothing and wine…I’m there.
by Lee October 13th, 2008 at 9:15 amMargaret, you have skinny friends? Fatten them up pronto!
Sylvia, happy to kick start your Monday
Dru, thanks! I’m afraid these are the things I do when I don’t have a good idea to blog about
by Jen Apodaca October 13th, 2008 at 9:18 amWendy, wine and chocolate is the answer to soooo many problems!
ArkansasCyndi, why thank you! Perhaps I should see if the cable news channels would like to hire me as a consultant? Bwhahaha!
Karin, I read your Just Business Tuesdays. You give much more useful advice than me! For anyone who doesn’t know, hop on over to Karin’s blog tomorrow http://www.karintabke.com/blog/index.php
Lee, I’ll listen to your advice! I promise! And it surprises me that so few people know these obvious solutions like loose clothes and more wine.
by Jen Apodaca October 13th, 2008 at 9:23 amLOLOLOL. Loose clothing? Wine? I am IN baby. You definitely have a second career there, Jen.
by Natalie October 13th, 2008 at 9:25 amI see a book in here . . .
by Allison Brennan October 13th, 2008 at 9:28 amJen, lucky you to have a back-up plan. LOL Love the wine advise, if all else fails, wine helps with every problem.
by Amanda October 13th, 2008 at 9:45 amJen, you’ve got a way with the whole advice thing!! I’m thinking the Lyon’s Lair should be a permanent part of this blog!!
by Maureen Child October 13th, 2008 at 10:39 amNatalie, so glad you are IN, LOL! And really, wine is an excellent tool to see things more clearly.
Allison you see a book? Wow, that’s impressive! I mostly see a depserate blog
by Jen Apodaca October 13th, 2008 at 10:49 amAmanda, you like my back up plan? I didn’t even have any wine when I came up with it. Sometimes I amaze myself.
Maureen, admit it, it’s the WINE part of the advice you like! And I’ll think about the Lyon’s Lair for a blog somewhere…
by Jen Apodaca October 13th, 2008 at 10:52 amOh my gosh! It’s not just me! I always give my friends advice (that they ask for, btw) and they never take it!! I gave myself some advice Saturday night — a bottle of wine and the Sex and the City movie. It was such a nice break from my daily routine at the laptop!
by Debra Webb October 13th, 2008 at 11:01 amDear Jen Lyon,
I have to write a synopsis before the book is written. Who are they kidding? I don’t know what the book is about because, duh, it’s NOT WRITTEN. Any advice?
Floundering in Florida
by Roxanne St. Claire October 13th, 2008 at 11:35 amDebra, you give the most excellent advice. I must remember the wine and Sex and the City movie–which I have not yet seen!
by Jen Apodaca October 13th, 2008 at 12:48 pmDear Floundering in Florida,
No worries! I can write it for you. How’s this?
The book is about this dude and this chick. They like each other, but you know, stuff happens. Sometimes bloody stuff, and then, you know, someone dies. Probably not the dude or the chick, but someone else. And, like, the dude and the chick, they gotta find the killer or be killed. Soon. Like real soon. Oh and while the dude and the chick are looking for the killer, they get all excited and have sex.
P.S. Hurry up and mail me my check so I can write the real book!
Bonus Tip: You might want to mail a bottle wine, or a whole case, with the synopsis….
by Jen Apodaca October 13th, 2008 at 1:00 pmExcellent advice, Dear Jen. I shall send that right to New York.
And a side comment to Deb Webb – I watched SATC with wine this weekend! I really, truly loved it. Thought it was true to the TV show (I was among the faithful) and yet had its own romantic story arc. Carrie B was kind of a dolt a few times in the movie, materialistic to the point of almost unredeemable. But that HEA was beautiful and had this Cinderella lover in tears.
by Roxanne St. Claire October 13th, 2008 at 6:28 pmRocki…LOL! Seriously, I hate writing a synopsis…and generally whine endlessly during the whole ugly process! In this book I’m working on now, I just wrote a 10 page story idea, then my editor added her thoughts and now the book is turning out much different from the original idea.
by Jennifer Lyon October 13th, 2008 at 7:13 pmLike Dudette, you should write a book.
by Cele October 15th, 2008 at 4:42 pm