 | 10 Oct 08 |
How much is too much? If the subject is food or alcohol, we probably all know the answer to that. But if the subject is Web exposure, do you know the answer to that?
As writers, we reach a certain amount of semi-celebrity. It’s not “real” celebrity, because the paparazzi don’t follow us around (at least they sure as heck don’t follow ME around), and usually we don’t have entire Web sites devoted to us, and we don’t show up every week in the tabloids, but it’s still a form of celebrity.
And also as writers, we have to promote, and that means blogs, and interviews, and pictures…. All of which means you are OUT there. So how much information is it safe to post online?
My daughter’s dance teacher–and my good friend–just got a Facebook page, and she has the most darling pictures of her kids on the page. Lots of them. And since she befriended me on Facebook, she wanted to know why I don’t have any pictures, save the cover of my book, on there. And I wasn’t quite sure what to say. Because, see, I really don’t POST pictures of my kids or family online. If I do, I usually blank out the faces, or post pictures where you cannot identify them. Also, my kids have their own pseudonyms. I write about them as Chatter Child and Dancing Daughter. A little research would probably unearth their names, but why make it easy?
Above is an example of a picture I would post to my site.
Now you are probably thinking “easy for who?” Or is that whom? At any rate, easy for ANY of the many crazies, sickos, stalkers and whackjobs that peruse the Net.
All it takes is about two seconds in any kind of spotlight, no matter how dim, to know they are out there, and they want YOU.
I have had some very serious issues with a genuine stalker, who made my life pretty miserable for a while. How did she find me? The Web. She decided we were going to be GREAT friends, based on what she read about me. And then she proceeded to hunt me down. Almost literally. I finally had to get a criminal stalking injunction against her.
I’ve also been harassed by the weenies that are Web stalkers. They live to make you uncomfortable, to raise havoc, to try to make you look like an idiot. I just banished one of those from my blog this week. I try to make it an effort never to censor anyone, but, uh, I finally woke up and went, “Wait a minute? This is my blog? I write about my life here. This is no public forum. I don’t HAVE to let someone go on and on about how stupid, mean, selfish, and idiotic I am.”
At one point, a few years back, I had a guy that was being so foul and crude–and scary–that I shut the comments down entirely. And then I thought, WHY? That was his purpose. He was trying to scare me. He gets a KICK out of it.
So I opened them back up and deleted the annoying ones.
Now, most of these people are not a real threat, but just WHEN can they become a threat?
When they track down my address, home phone number, and CALL me? That was–and is–a start.
Through these experiences I have learned caution, even though I must promote on a daily basis. I am always cautious about what I say, or how much information I give out.
My point to all this is that I think EVERYONE should be cautious in this respect. Even my daughter’s dance teacher. Because you simply don’t KNOW who is out there. We must promote, as writers, but we also must have lives, and be safe, and identifying your friends or family members by name probably isn’t a way to do that.
Some suggestions I have for keeping safe, are listed below. These are from experience, and just my two cents, so take them for what they are worth.
1. Do not use children’s names, family member’s name, or cities or towns. You can write about them, but use “other” names for them. For example, when I write about my youngest niece, I either call her LittleNiece or Fluffy, which is the way she used to say her real name. Her older sister is RubySue, which is not even close to her real name. I would probably use this in interviews, on blogs, on your Web site, etc. Anything that is easily accessed.
2. Keep in mind that EVERYTHING you are writing is now public record. I have a “cousin” (distantly related) who regularly reads and comments on my other blog. He will often make comments like “I need to call your parents.” Hmmm. Since I sometimes write about them, I have to be careful what I say. Yes, people HAVE been fired for blogs, and people’s lives HAVE been destroyed by blogs, so keep this in mind when you are writing.
3. Promotion does not mean you have to open up all access to your private life. If a subject is too sensitive or personal, don’t address it.
4. Know when a “fan” is taking it too far. As writers, we live for reader mail. But sometimes, as in all aspects of life, we attract the not-so-nice or not-so-mentally-sound. Remember to distance yourself from this. You do NOT have to respond to weird mail. In fact, it is best NOT to respond. In my severe stalking case, I responded with a kind but firm no thank you. I might as well have been whispering, because it was ignored. It would have been better not to respond at all.
5. If you are a reader, please know we love hearing from you, but if you don’t know us personally, please don’t send us flowers, or candy, or call our publisher to chat. That kind of thing freaks us out a little bit. Paris Hilton might be used to that kind of behavior, but as “semi-celebrities,” we are not. There aren’t gifting lounges everywhere we go. I wish, but no, not the way it works.
6. Do NOT post your personal details on your Web site. This is something I do see with self-published authors, because they often don’t have an agent or publisher that will front mail. I know it’s hard to not do this, but it’s a huge mistake. Trust me.
7. Karin and Officer Friendly gave me a REALLY good piece of advice, back when I was having some issues with my stalker. Whatever you do, DON’T engage. It’s really hard, especially if someone is saying rude things, or crossing personal boundaries, but it’s just not worth it. It does nothing but ignite them, because YOU are showing interest.
So, that’s some of the things I have learned over the past few years.
How about you? What suggestions do you have for staying safe while promoting? Any experiences like mine?
Natalie R. Collins was born in Logan, Utah and attended the University of Utah. She worked for eleven years at The Salt Lake Tribune, Utah's largest daily newspaper, before leaving to devote more time to her family. During the ensuing years, she wrote five novels. She also worked for the 2001 and 2002 Sundance Film Festivals as an editor. Natalie is a member of the International Thriller Writers, Mystery Writers of America, and Romance Writers of America.
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Wow, what a timely and excellent post, Natalie! It really gives one food for thought. I tend to mention my kiddo’s name more than I should, and I think from now on she’ll remain ‘kiddo’.
by Margaret A. Golla October 10th, 2008 at 4:54 amI once had a guy in an AOL chat room threaten to hunt me down and kill me, but I’ve always been careful about giving out personal info, so I wasn’t worried. (And yes, I did report him to whatever passed for AOL security in those days.)
I’ve done my best to make it very hard for people to actually locate me. No place names, no family names, and I only use my initials. No matter how hard I try, though, I always know if someone wants it bad enough, they’ll find that info. I just hope they never want to that bad.
by B.E. Sanderson October 10th, 2008 at 5:56 amThis is all so scary. It’ a wonder more published authors don’t use pen names or maybe they do and I just don’t know it..
Whenever I post I only use my first name w/ my last intial. Once in a blue moon there are other posters w/ the name Holly. God I was born in March. What the hell was my mom thinking?
May all of you lovely ladies and your families stay safe and sound from the not so nice people.
Everyone have a safe, wonderful weekend.
by HollyD October 10th, 2008 at 7:08 amI’m not to the fame point of having people hunt me down, but I’m careful anyway. I sure don’t want to be the cause of someone scary tracking down my kids or grandkids or myself. Good precaution because I see a lot of people with recognizable kid photos on their sites. With the predators always lurking, safe is always better than sorry. Carol
by carol shenold October 10th, 2008 at 7:13 amGreat, timely post, Natalie. I think it is a difficult balance, particularly these days with the advent of the ability to google anyone using keywords. Quite freaky, sometimes, when can be found.
by toni mcgee causey October 10th, 2008 at 8:08 amI worked in Law Enforcement for 20yrs, and know first had how dangerous stalkers can be, even from Cyber Space. All your advice is very good. Just be very very careful and give out as little info as possible.
by Lee October 10th, 2008 at 9:03 amThe problem I have is old criminals who still remember me. Who might get a burr under their hat and try to find me. I have to be very aware constantly of that. I do use my real name, but give out little other information. Even without cyber space if someone really wanted to find me they could. I’m constantly on my toes watching e-mails and responses to my blog. That is the best advice I can give anyone. Just keep a sharp eye out.
Because of my job I’m out there. I’ve had a stocker, because of my job, and worse I didnt’ realise he was a stocker until he moved himself into my world and sucked the insides out. Thank heavens I’m not fully dumb and have a good back up system, but you’d be surprised at how easy it was for him just because he was that smooth — not because I was THAT dumb.
Like Natalie’s stocker, not all “fans” and “soulmates” (which Natalie’s thought she was) are and neither are they easily dissuaded, innocent of intent, of mentally stable (Natalie’s stocker fits all the above.) People don’t realize how easy they are to find just because of their billing history, Classmates, Reunion, Facebook, Spacebook, and so many other social websites. Don’t believe me, check out Zabasearch .com (which Natalie pointed out to me years ago.) My website does say where I can be found, but nowhere does it say my real name. My picture is on one of my websites, nowhere does it say my name, while it’s vague as to my location. I have learned to never give out full information in one location. Sadly I didn’t know this early, and sadly my job makes this much more difficult (even though I have a professional name and I use Cele on the net as protection.)
Protect yourselves.
by Cele October 10th, 2008 at 9:08 amNatalie,
An excellent reminder of the dangers out there in the cyberworld and great advice! Thank you.
by S.J. Day October 10th, 2008 at 9:17 amOMG, Lee, I went to that Zabasearch site. They had absolutely too much information about me and my husband. How the hell did they get that? That is very scary.
by HollyD October 10th, 2008 at 9:38 amIt’s a scary world. I want to be published, why?!?!
by Amanda October 10th, 2008 at 9:53 amAmanda, because it’s our dream. If I ever get “the call”, I’ve decided not to use my real name.
by HollyD October 10th, 2008 at 10:00 amI have a website and a blog already. On those I’m Jill James. My hubby is a cop and he asked for a pseudonym and helped me pick that one out.
by Amanda October 10th, 2008 at 10:06 amVery solid advice Natalie, especially the Do Not Engage. Stalker behavior is complex and varied, but many times they view any response as encouragement and step up their contact, or if they do recognize rejection, they get angry and more dangerous.
by Jen Apodaca October 10th, 2008 at 10:15 amGreat blog. I don’t talk about my kids personally, either. I lecture my older daughters — and their friends — about the dangers of being too personal on MySpace. I tell them about people (mostly teenage girls) who have been raped and murdered because they revealed too much about themselves. My kids are Brennan #1, Brennan #2, etc. But unless you become a recluse living in the wilds of Montana, if someone wants to find you they can. We need to be smart and responsible, but still need to live our lives and not be excessively paranoid. And I definitely don’t post pics of my kids online, even though they are absolutely gorgeous and funny and adorable
Just take my word for it!
by Allison Brennan October 10th, 2008 at 1:29 pmgood post, nat. i’ve had a few skirmishes here and there with wackos. officer friendly has dealt with them.
by Karin Tabke October 10th, 2008 at 4:03 pmMargaret, thanks for the kind words. I know that I’ve learned a lot, and if I can help someone NOT have to learn the hard way, I’m all about that.
B.E., that is SCARY. I’ve had a few death threats myself, so I know the feeling can be a bit overwhelming. Glad you are so cautious.
Holly, even having a pen name doesn’t necessarily keep you safe. I used to think it would (hence the Natalie R. Collins) but I learned fairly quickly how wrong I was.
by Natalie October 10th, 2008 at 5:18 pmCarol, you can never be too cautious. I don’t think I’m particularly famous, either. But it sure hasn’t slowed the crazies down.
Thanks, Toni. And I agree about Google. You can find out a lot really quick. Sometimes, that is not necessarily a good thing.
Lee, I totally agree. And the old criminals looking you up thing sent CHILLS up and down my spine.
by Natalie October 10th, 2008 at 5:32 pmCele, I know you have had your own “stalker” encounters, so I appreciate you listening to my stories and being a shoulder to lean on.
Syl, thanks!
Holly, Zabasearch is indeed frightening. I even put it in one of my books, because it is such an intrusive search engine.
by Natalie October 10th, 2008 at 5:35 pmAmanda, there are still GOOD parts to being published. I think it just helps to know ALL of the parts.
Jen, thanks! I agree that sometimes the rejection sets them off even more. Scary world.
Allison, I’ve always admired the way you protect your kids, and I was thinking about it when I wrote the post! Very smart.
by Natalie October 10th, 2008 at 5:38 pmKarin, you are lucky to have Officer Friendly. And we are all lucky, too!! You guys have helped me a lot. And I so appreciate it.
by Natalie October 10th, 2008 at 5:40 pmWhat a great and informative post, Natalie. Like you, I have children (and a dancer - can we spell hemorraging cash?) and would love nothing more than to show off their gorgeous selves, but resist the urge. It gets more and more difficult, with my son having a myspace page and my daughter wanting to make one - and they want to link to mine! To them, it’s kind of a thrill that their mom is a “celebrity” (in a teeny-tiny way) but, to me, it’s frightening. It gives me such sympathy for the real celebrities who just want their kids to have a normal life, but they can’t even go get ice cream without a pack of paps following them around.
Thanks for the reminder to be vigilant!
by Roxanne St. Claire October 11th, 2008 at 6:44 amI think you’re absolutely right to be careful about what you post online. With that said, I just wanted to let you know that with Facebook there are privacy settings that can keep parts of your profile unseen to whomever you choose. Create a friend’s list of people who are not family, close friends, whatever. Then go to your settings, privacy, and choose which parts of your profile that group/list can see and which they cannot. (or if you have more fans than friends, you could probably do it the other way around- whichever is easiest). That way you can still share photos, etc. with friends without worrying about stalkers. When a fan wants to add you, just make sure you add them to that friends list.
Lots of social network sites have settings like this, you just have to know how to look for them. Hope it’s helpful. It is good to see that you and others are being conscientious about internet safety for kids!
by Nichelle October 11th, 2008 at 8:45 amWow! Natalie, what great information. I listened to Lori Foster speak once on her stalker. Very scary business! Most folks don’t realize just how serious a stalker can be until they have one.
by Debra Webb October 11th, 2008 at 10:30 amRocki, You’re a dance mom, too? SOOO cool! And SOOOOO expensive. LOL.
Hey Nichelle, you are right about Facebook and some of the other sites, and the way you can keep your stuff private. But as others, WE don’t do that. We can’t. We are trying to promote. But it is a good point.
Deb, it happens to authors ALL the time. I guess it’s why I want to let others know about the dangers.
by Natalie October 11th, 2008 at 1:36 pmWeird that there are so many dance moms here, I’m actually a dance teacher!
And, actually I am not a published author but I do author a blog under my own name, so I have some experience with promoting my work online and keeping that separate from family stuff. I think all of your advice was really sound and should be followed - online privacy/security is important for everyone. In fact, as my blog has grown, I’ve been reviewing some of the info I put out there.
It is fortunate that sites like facebook are becoming more sophisticated with their privacy settings. You can choose which photo albums can be seen and by whom. In fact, you can restrict fans to just your basic info (website, publisher info etc.) It is a bit of extra work, but it may be worth it to have a presence on such a huge social networking site. So at least with facebook (and I think other sites will follow suit) I stand by the fact that you could keep fans and friends completely separate. You just have to be mindful of how you’re using certain parts of your profile.
All the best!
by Nichelle October 11th, 2008 at 8:35 pm[...] Be aware that once you make yourself public, you WILL attract some crazies. (See my blog post from two weeks ago, re: security on the Internet. [...]
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