 | 25 Aug 08 |
A while back, my husband and I went to Wendy’s for a Frostie. It was a hot evening, and we just wanted to sit and chat.
We got our frosties (or is it spelled frostys?), we both had chocolate and vanilla, and once we got our ice cream, we chose a high table with three chairs. The two of us sat across from each other, with a chair between us. We were talking away about whatever…our conversations run between the every day stuff of kids, work, the house, bills, to the weird stuff I could never explain.
In my peripheral vision, I see the Wendy’s employee carrying a tray heading our way. My husband’s back is to her so he doesn’t see her yet. Some part of my brain is thinking, “Hmm, woman over thirty working at Wendy’s. Empty nest? Divorce? Victim of downsizing? Second job? It’s just a small part of my brain doing a character profile.
Then the woman shocks me. She walks right up to our table, plants her butt in the third chair and drops the tray down on the table. She says something like, “I need a break from my boss looking over my shoulder.”
My husband and I were speechless. I just had no frame of reference to grasp that the Wendy’s employee had suddenly decided to join us.
I’ve handled some weird situations, and in hind sight, I know how I’d handle this now. But then—SPEECHLESS. My husband too.
Evidently, she realized that we just weren’t that friendly, so she got up and left, and sat down at ANOTHER table.
Okay, now I know why she’s working at Wendy’s. The woman clearly doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries.
This is such a little thing. We certainly didn’t feel threatened and no real harm was done. But I was annoyed. It just felt like a weird kind of invasion.
In other, nicer restaurants, a trend I’ve noticed lately is for the manager to come over and strike up a conversation with the customers regardless if they customers seem to be deep in conversation. This happened to us on Valentine’s Day. We watched the manager do this over and over, then zero in on our table. A simple, “How is your meal this evening?” would be fine, but he’s doing the buddy routine, going on and on, even trying for humor.
So I’m just wondering, does anyone else find this behavior annoying? Intrusive?
© 2008 – 2009, Jennifer Lyon. All rights reserved.
Award winning author, Jennifer Lyon, always wanted to be a witch. Since her witch-powers never materialized, she went onto Plan B and now she creates magic in her books. In her new series, the author of the acclaimed Samantha Shaw Mystery Series (written as Jennifer Apodaca) introduces the Witch Hunters, legendary men who must overcome a curse to team up with witches and fight evil.
Subscribe to Posts 
Yup.
I hate that when the owner comes up and breaks into an earnest conversation to ask us about our food. The smart owner might go around and do that, but if he has any instincts at all, he will just pass by with a friendly nod if the people are concentrating on one another.
I’ve noticed this also whenever we go on a cookout in the forest. Most people keep to their own sites, but I’ve noticed that some folks–and not just kids—walk right through our little piece of Heaven. Maybe I’m stuffy and unfriendly, but I know exactly where the Parameter of the Picnic Table ends and their free range begins. And it extends a good way out, a kind of Cone of Silence.
We have a new neighbor who insists on running his nitro radio-controlled car around the cul de sac. The sound is unbelievable. It is worse than any leaf blower or lawn mower or even a tree saw. Granted, he never does it past nine o’clock at night, but it doesn’t fit this quiet street he’s moved into. It makes the animals nervous, and the sound follows you inside to the deepest place in the house, and you still can’t concentrate on anything, even with the TV turned up all the way. I find that unacceptable, but I don’t have a leg to stand on. He goes by the letter of the law, and that’s it for him. I doubt he even thinks about what he’s doing. Or cares.
Other than that, though, I think most people respect boundaries naturally. The waitress at the Wendys was obviously not the norm, and hence the job. It’s remarkable that so many people have this tacit understanding of boundaries, and respect that in others.
I sure as hell believe in the right to privacy!
by J. Carson Black August 25th, 2008 at 4:56 amI have to agree, but then, I’m shy by nature and could never feel comfortable intruding into someone’s space, or interrupting a conversation. We ate out at a very nice place last night, and the manager did stop by, but we weren’t involved in anything private. It was a special event at the restaurant, and when we jokingly thanked him for scheduling it on our anniversary, he made sure we were well taken care of (with their signature chocolate souffle). But he never came back, and our waiter was attentive, but not intrusive.
I have enough trouble at restaurants where our waiter actually slid into the booth beside me to tell me about all the specials and run his spiel.
by Terry Odell August 25th, 2008 at 5:08 amI think I would be sitting in stunned shock at this point in Wendy’s, but then I have to step out of myself. I am usually pretty shy, but in the last few years I have tried to come out of my comfort zone. This means I walk up to wallflowers (being their leader and all) introduce myself. My husband and my exes all say I’m a natural flirt – I’ve no clue – but I do know I joke around with people and try to be sunshine in their day. I can imagine this happening to me, so I would have to blame myself.
Friday night we went to a see Melissa Etheridge at an outdoor concert. I naturally struck up a conversation with one of the ladies standing in line in front of us. I pulled Ducky into the discussion, but the entire time the date/partner of the lady we were chatting with kept a stoney, glaring silence. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t know boundaries? I thought I did.
by Cele August 25th, 2008 at 8:18 amJake, I think you’re right and most people do respect boundaries, that’s why it’s a shock when people don’t. Like walking through your camp or picnic sight. It’s just so odd, don’t they see they are intruding? People who trample on my personal space make me uneasy–what else do they feel they can trample on?
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 8:22 amTerry, the manager sounds like he was being polite, and you had chocolate souffle! That’s always acceptable! But the waiter who slid into your booth????? Sheesh.
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 8:24 amCele, striking up a conversation with the person next to you in line isn’t crossing boundaries. I’m guessing the guy with her had other issues–like why he was at a Melissa Etheride concert
I would love the concert, not sure it’d be my husband’s first choice!
I think it’s admiriable to find the quiet people and introduce yourself!
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 8:27 amYes, I had no problems with the manager – he came by shortly after we arrived, so there was nothing going on that he was interrupting. And the souffle was fantastic, although I’ll be paying the price. Why does something that takes 15 minutes to eat take 15 days to burn off?
I don’t usually mind or have a problem striking up conversations when standing in lines if everyone is hanging around waiting. And there’s probably some common ground, because everyone’s there for the same basic reason.
by Terry Odell August 25th, 2008 at 8:30 amBoundaries? What boundaries?
Maybe it’s the part of the country I live in, but it seems like most people around here don’t know what boundaries are. This is a particular problem for me because I am a fairly private persona and I don’t like it when random people decide that I’m the person they want to be chummy with.
Now, I honestly don’t mind it when managers or employees at restaurants I go into regularly come up and begin a conversation, especially when I’m alone. But when I’m with someone and we are obviously engaged in conversation, I do feel like it is a boundary violation. And I don’t like it at all when people I don’t know start asking me personal questions, something which seems to be happening more and more often. The seem so taken aback when I tell them it isn’t any of their business. Yeah, I can be rude that way.
My biggest pet peeve when it comes to boundary violations, however, is when random people come up and start talking and then ask if they can pray with or for me. This happened a lot before my mother (who is very frail and looks it) went into the care facility, and while I suppose it was nice that these people were concerned, did it not ever occur to them that the middle of a restaurant is not the place to be conducting prayer sessions, especially when they don’t know us at all and don’t even bother to find out first if we share their spirituality and plunge right ahead with the prayer before we even had time to say yes or no to it.
by Elaine August 25th, 2008 at 8:42 amwow! Lots of boundary breakers. I hate the whole waiter sitting with you too. How rude is that? You are a waiter, wait on the edge of my table. Sheesh!!
by Amanda August 25th, 2008 at 9:39 amTHAT is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard, Jen. I mean sure, managers come around and intrude, but you usually just have to say, it’s fine, thanks. Goodbye.
But the employee sitting down with you?? VERY odd……..and how like you to experience this weirdness, LOL!
by Maureen Child August 25th, 2008 at 10:37 amTerry, I don’t think I ever burn off those extra calories!
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 11:12 amElaine, how ironic that you brought that up. Just yesterday I read in Dear Abby a very well written letter from a woman whose son had died. She talked about people trying to “save her” in her time of grief, and how cruel and intrusive it was. You don’t need this extra stress while dealing with your mom’s frail health.
Another boundary violation that used to creep me out was when I was pregnant and strangers felt free to put their hands on my stomach!
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 11:14 amAmanda, isn’t that weird? I mean who would think a waiter or employee would sit down with you? But it would make a great Saturday Night Live skit…
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 11:16 amMaureen, LOL! I do attract weirdness, I know. It’s happening less often as I get older…probably because I stay home so much more!
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 11:18 amthe server sitting down at a table to explain the menu and specials and take orders is part of their job for some chains. don’t blame the employee. take it up with management.
frankly, I find it intrusive. especially when the server has less then stellar hygiene. I know Outback servers do it, and are trained to do it, and get in trouble if they don’t. imagine the server’s end, having to sit down with some gross ass stranger staring daggers at them for invading their space? I mean most people do not want strangers to sit with them. even if it’s just to take an order.
all of that said, the last time hubby and I were at an Outback (it’s been awhile) I noticed none of the severs were doing it. maybe corporate got the message. I have never gotten whay they insisted. Don’t they do studies to figure this stuff out?
by Karin August 25th, 2008 at 11:25 amKarin, you’re right. It was an Outback. And it’s been a long time since I’ve been there. The last time, we sat at the bar, so it wasn’t an issue.
And you’re right about it being a management issue. Many employees are stuck carrying out policies they might not agree with because it’s part of the job.
And although it’s not really a ‘boundary’ issue — maybe I’m an old fuddy-duddy (OK, I know I’m OLD), but I really don’t care for it when grocery store clerks or bank tellers or department store register clerks call me by my first name. I know they’re instructed to do so, but it makes me twitch. Or is it because I was a schoolteacher for so long, and am used to being called “Mrs. (or Ms.) Odell” that having someone I don’t know call me “Terry” without having any social interaction seems off? I know we’re a ‘classless’ society … but …
by Terry Odell August 25th, 2008 at 11:38 amNow that self-checkout is everywhere, maybe we’ll start to see self-order stations in restaurant? I like when the manager comes over to chat. Makes me feel appreciated as a customer. However, sitting in my booth would be a bit odd. And I feel sorry for the servers forced to squat by the side of your table. That must get tiring after a long evening.
And on the name/title thing? After a lifetime in California, where you’re more likely to offend someone using the title than not, I feel so uncomfortable with the Ms./Mr. lastname construction that I try to avoid directly addressing anyone who seems like they expect it. Even my grade school teachers were “Miss Mallory” and “Mr. Jake” I don’t think I’ve used title-lastname since high school.
by Poppy August 25th, 2008 at 12:14 pmTerry out here the clerks call us mr or mrs so and so. and of course they always screw up my last name.
even my kid’s adult friends refer to hubby and i as mr and mrs tabke.
the teachers refer to us as mr and mrs and we them. i was chatting with someone not too long ago about the lost art of manners. i think society has become too familiar and too intrusive.
don’t get me wrong, i’m happy gal, i like people, a lot, but like jen if that chick would have sat down next to me out of the blue like she did, it would have bugged me too.
by Karin August 25th, 2008 at 12:18 pmTerry, my name confuses people, so I often tell them to call me Jennifer or Jen. In particular, I do that with fans because I want them to feel comfortable with me. But clerks at the store looking at my card or check then pretending to be on a first-named basis with me is just phony and irritating.
Don’t even get me started on card salesmen! They use your name in every second or third sentence to build a “relationship.” It make me grit my teeth.
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 12:41 pmPoppy said: Even my grade school teachers were “Miss Mallory” and “Mr. Jake”
Oooh, I just hate that! Personal preference, I guess. That sounds so wrong, somehow. (I’m from California originally, but I’m probably a lot older than you are!). I was brought up (and brought my kids up) to use a formal form of address until the adult said otherwise.
For some reason, the kids next door would call my husband Dr. Odell, but they called me Terry. When I worked for the local conventions, I’d use, “Sir” or “Ma’am” or the more formal address when dealing with people, yet some of the registrars working alongside me would use first names.
I know in other cultures, the language has two forms of address, and it’s a big step from one to the other.
Like I said, it’s not really a ‘boundary’ issue. Just something that bothers me a bit, and I’m not sure it should.
by Terry Odell August 25th, 2008 at 12:42 pmPoppy, LOL on California! On the server thing, being friendly and asking how dinner is, or whatever, is fine. It’s just the overstepping that makes me uncomfortable.
We went to dinner over the weekend with my mother in law. The server was ridiculous. “Oh yes, definitely, absolutely, I can do that for you,” was his answer to everything from taking each of our orders (and each part of our order, like salad, entree, side dish, etc), a request for water or anything. It got to the point where it was comical.
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 12:45 pmJen — I can see your point, but the issue is YOU told them to use the first name. I remember when I was doing Outreach programs for the Miami Zoological Society, one docent insisted on being “Miss Elizabeth” because it was ‘easier’ than her last name. However, her last name had 3 syllables, and Elizabeth had 4. But that was her choice. I still felt we deserved the same respect the schoolkids used with their teachers. But we carried large snakes, so we got all the respect we needed.
by Terry Odell August 25th, 2008 at 12:46 pmI mean CAR salesmen, not card! Sigh.
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 12:46 pmKarin, I’m pretty sure you’d have been quicker to react than I was. I am rarely rendered speechless, but I just sort of sat there in shock.
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 12:47 pmGive me a moment, Jen. I was just pondering the thought of you speechless.
Just kidding!!
I would’ve had the exact same reaction as you! What can you say in that moment? I’m sure your expression said it all. And if she hadn’t gotten the message, you would’ve quickly found your voice and assured her she was not part of this private conversation.
And I would be uneasy, too, because she’s obviously got a screw loose to think that her behavior is acceptable. What if she followed you to your car? What if she climbed in??
by Kate Carlisle August 25th, 2008 at 1:10 pmHa! Kate! I won’t ever let you see me speechless, LOL! Okay, seriously, I am not that fast on the come backs. In writing, it’s easy because we can revise and rewrite until we sound witty (except on blogs, where I’m sloppy!). But in real life? Sigh…I wish!
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 1:47 pmWow, Jen. I don’t blame you for being speechless. I think I would’ve probably just stared at her with my mouth hanging open. Just no words. LOL!
What a story.
by Michele August 25th, 2008 at 3:03 pmMichele, I can’t picture you with your mouth hanging open. You’re the one with class. Me? I was catching flies…
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 3:41 pmOkay, wow. That is just WEIRD, Jen. I can hardly believe it. But people do strange things. But to join complete strangers? Weird….
by Natalie August 25th, 2008 at 6:18 pmNatalie, I know, right? But hey, it keeps life interesting!
by Jen August 25th, 2008 at 6:37 pm