 | 24 Jun 08 |
I understand why non-writers ask the question, “Where do you get your ideas?” Because that’s exactly how I feel when I see someone present a beautiful meal. My brain just does not work that way. Oh, I can force it, and end up with a decent effort, kinda like most people feel about those college essays, but it’s not my talent.
Instead, I have completely and totally mastered the art of using my microwave. It is nearly 20 years old and the only appliance in the house I know how to use.
I tried to cook. I don’t understand how this works, really. I’m addicted to those cooking competition shows where they give the chefs three pieces of cardboard, some jelly and limp celery and tell them they have to cook a divine meal for 300, and somehow, they pull it off. When I watch this, it’s like a magic show—I’m trying to catch the sleight-of-hand and figure out how they’re doing this, and still I am only able to see the cute bunnies.
Once, when the kids were younger, I decided to cook jambalaya, but I knew my limitations. Instead of trying to do one from scratch, I picked up a box mix and followed the directions. I think. I may have gotten distracted.
When it came time to eat, it looked fine. I scooped up two bowlfuls, set them in front of the kids and wandered back to the kitchen, whereupon the youngest made gagging, spitting sounds and the oldest declared that I was trying to kill them. (The oldest routinely suggested this from the time I wrapped him in aluminum foil for Halloween and declared him the Tin Man. He still brings that up every year, 20 years later.)
I scoffed. It couldn’t be that bad.
They tried to feed it to the dog, who took one bite, whimpered and ran out of the room. But she’s a wimp. She is scared of her own bark (I am not kidding), so I didn’t exactly trust her judgment here.
I would like to say in my defense that I, uh, had a cold. And couldn’t smell or taste anything. (That is my story and I’m sticking to it.) When I tried a spoonful, it wasn’t the greatest thing I ever cooked, but it wasn’t that bad, I thought. Still, the kids were adamant that they weren’t going to eat any of it, and they weren’t really picky kids, so I thought I’d cut them some slack and throw it out and we’d order pizza.
While we waited for the pizza to show up, I wanted to throw away the jambalaya; not having a disposal handy meant I’d have to toss it in the garbage, and we had raccoons from a creek behind our property who’d come up to the house and dig after anything remotely garbage like or food-like in the cans. I didn’t feel like fighting the coons or dealing with strewn trash, so the easiest thing to do was to set the pot out and let them have at it.
We sat on the top back step and watched as the big cat-daddy of all raccoons—one who clearly had not passed up a meal—came forward to the pot, slid his paw in, took a bite, spat it out and ran away.
My oldest son looked at me, and said, “See? You tried to feed us that.”
So yeah… me and the microwave. I am pretty sure I can’t screw up a can of soup.
So how about you? Can you cook? Or are you like me, Ingrediently Challenged?
~*~
The second book in the BOBBIE FAYE series is out now! BOBBIE FAYE’S (kinda, sorta, not exactly) FAMILY JEWELS — Bobbie Faye has to go on the run, trying to stay ahead of a pack of thieves and murderers who are after missing gems. She has to find the diamonds and figure out the motive of the dead-sexy FBI agent who’s pressing her for more than just the jewels, all the while sidestepping her steamy (and steamed) detective ex-boyfriend. For reviews (including a starred Booklist, woot!) and an excerpt, please visit http://tonimcgeecausey.com.
© 2008 – 2009, Natalie R. Collins. All rights reserved.
Natalie R. Collins was born in Logan, Utah and attended the University of Utah. She worked for eleven years at The Salt Lake Tribune, Utah's largest daily newspaper, before leaving to devote more time to her family. During the ensuing years, she wrote five novels. She also worked for the 2001 and 2002 Sundance Film Festivals as an editor. Natalie is a member of the International Thriller Writers, Mystery Writers of America, and Romance Writers of America.
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Great post LOL! I can cook, I just hate to do it. Everyone’s a critic.
by wendy roberts June 25th, 2008 at 6:08 amI am SO lucky to be married to someone who accepts, “scrounge” as the answer to “what’s for dinner?”
And when the kids were at home, once a month I made them write down a list of things they wanted to eat. Voila. Instant menus. True, I could experiment if I wanted to, because there was a lot of leeway with their suggestions. Two of the 3 of them were good about eating just about anything, and they knew where the peanut butter was if they wouldn’t.
But I enjoyed cooking a lot more back then. Mostly because they were in charge of dishes and clean up.
by Terry Odell June 25th, 2008 at 6:31 amI’m an awful cook. There are several things that I can make, but I have to follow the directions exactly, no inspirations allowed. Everytime I make meatloaf, I make it the exact same way. Sometimes it’s edible and sometimes it just needs to go down the disposal.
Thanks for Bobbie Faye’s latest adventure.
by HollyD June 25th, 2008 at 6:49 amI can cook, I’m a damn good cook, but I don’t like to most days, does that make sense?
Yeah? I didn’t think so.
I loved loved loved this book, and am tapping my foot for the third one.
by Lori G. Armstrong June 25th, 2008 at 7:59 amI can cook, but it takes too dang much time. I’m trying to do more crockpot dishes and cooking ahead on the weekends for dinners during the week.
by Erin June 25th, 2008 at 8:03 amWendy, totally agree–and the pressure! Daily! Yikes.
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 8:31 amTerry, I remember the moment when I realized the kids (still pretty young) could fend for themselves and survive. (And frequently, cook better than I could.) It was utterly freeing. I just made sure the pantry was stocked.
Now, whenever we have a get together, Carl’s the one who cooks and I do the clean up. I don’t mind, because it always means a really great meal and leftovers for the next day. I can live with that ratio.
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 8:33 amHolly, I’m like you–just trying to follow the instructions, and still, it’s hit or miss. I’d like to say I don’t know why, but the truth is, I probably got distracted somewhere in the middle of doing whatever it was I was supposed to be doing and wandered back to the writing, having had an epiphany about a scene I have to get down before I forget. I have burned more pots and ruined more dishes than I can count.
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 8:35 amOH, and thank you, Holly. And Lori! Very sweet.
(Book 3 tried to kill me last night. But HA, I figured it out and made it behave. Sort of.)
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 8:37 amErin, Lori told me about a woman who’s blogging about what she’s cooking in her crockpot, every day (I think) for a year. (Man, I’d have too much leftover at the end of each day.) Maybe she’ll post that link for us.
And I agree, it takes too danged much time. For that much effort, I should be a whole lot, er, happier.
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 8:39 amI read that crockpot blog! I just discovered it a few weeks ago. I don’t know if I’m that dedicated though. Here is the link. She has some very tasty sounding recipes.
http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/
by Erin June 25th, 2008 at 8:53 amI’m a cooker. I love to cook, do it most nights and some mornings. That’s one thing I hate about the heat of summer – cooking heats up the house, so I can’t do it as much. I long to make cookies, or a big lasagna, or pot of chili, but the heat is too much to take. =op It’s almost as bad as waiting for football season to start again.
by B.E. Sanderson June 25th, 2008 at 9:00 amSigh. I want to be B.E.’s neighbor. “Oh, darn, you have all of those extra cookies. Sad. Terribly sad. Why sure, I’ll take them off your hands, if it’d help you out. No really, it’s no trouble. I’m all about sacrificing for the greater good.”
Erin, cool! Thanks!
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 9:15 amI’m with Lori. Love to cook. Have no time. And, frankly, no inclination because my family are damn picky eaters. All of them. There is NOTHING they all like. Except spaghetti. If I leave it plain and provide five different sauces/toppings for them to pick. #1: butter & garlic. #2: spaghetti sauce NO chunks of anything, and if she sees a tomato, she won’t eat any of it. Yes, I explained that spaghetti sauce is made of tomatoes, but as she says, “They’re not chunky.” #3: plain, with a half container of parmesan cheese. #4: Anyway I want to prepare it. (I love this kid. She’s my favorite. Just kidding, #1, if you’re reading this . . .) #5: He’ll eat one bite of anything and declare himself full.
Husband? No pasta anymore.
I have two kids who love veggies, one who tolerates them, and two that hate them. I have two kids who don’t like meat (unless it’s pepperoni on pizza or a corn dog) and one kids who ONLY eats meat.
They all drive me crazy. I cook when my mom comes over for dinner and we usually have fish of some sort–which no one in my family will eat. Urgh.
by Allison June 25th, 2008 at 9:54 amI can cook, and I love to cook, and I’m a good cook.
I just hate to clean up afterwards, and there is no one else to do it, so I don’t cook that often.
by elianara June 25th, 2008 at 10:10 amI love cooking, and am a pretty good cook (really good at following directions – okay with experimentation) but I have trouble finding the time and motivation to cook, especially because its just me and I would rather be writing or reading, which would cause a distraction and ruin the food anyway and I would end up with salad or cereal for dinner anyway so why waste the time!
by Tiffany June 25th, 2008 at 10:41 amOh, Allison, I’d be completely bonkers. And sadly, I was a picky eater as a kid. I think I subsisted on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for six years, from 12 to 18. (I honestly don’t know why. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t like what they cooked–they are very good cooks.)
It took my husband years to convince me to try Chinese food. (love it now) And I came to sushi very very recently.
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 11:17 amElianara and Tiffany–see, y’all need to move next door. I am really fine with the cleaning. I’d rather be cleaning. I can tell if I’m doing it right.
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 11:18 amToni, thanks for blogging with us today!
I’m an okay cook, nothing to brag about. I acutally enjoy baking more. But I don’t bake much anymore…too fattening. Which is totally depressing. Making chocolate chips cookies is a great way to work on a plot problem for me!
I HATE cleaning up.
Allison, I survived my three picky sons, you’ll survive your five picky eaters. Just don’t drive yourself crazy. I finally realized that if anyone didn’t like what we ate, they could have bread and peanut butter. Guess what? They grew up and are healthy…no harm done. Now they are starting to eat more as adults.
by Jen June 25th, 2008 at 11:34 amMy kids try to be picky (they’re not quite 4), but when they tell me they don’t want what’s on the table, I tell them they don’t have to eat it. I follow that up quickly by saying I’m not fixing anything else either! They usually end up eating then.
by Erin June 25th, 2008 at 11:50 amI LOVE to cook, and I’m not half bad. Two Sundays ago I made a huge batch of jambalaya (from scratch including the roux). It is now future son-in-law’s new favorite dish.
by Karin June 25th, 2008 at 12:15 pmSorry, Toni it’s not your thang, well, actually, I’m sorry for your kids and hubby. snerk.
But, hey, microwave popcorn isn’t bad, unless you burn it…
Thanks, Jen — and my version of baking? Those cut the pre-made dough into scoops/squares and bake. And even *that* takes too long. And I cannot tell you how many times I wandered off and burned them. That moment when you realize that that wonderful smell? has been occurring for a few minutes? and now means it’s past time to take them out? Very depressing, because it’s really hard to rescue burned cookies. (though I have tried slicing off just the tops)
Erin, that’s what I did, and they always opted for the pb&j. Luckily, they survived.
(Karin, I have done that.) (seriously) You mentioned once that you were going off to cook something that sounded like a fantastic Italian dish and I would’ve needed three cookbooks, a video and a personal tutor to attempt it. I do not make roux, don’t even attempt it. I get the concept (my mom and dad and husband? all can make a roux. I can spell it. Does that count?)
Someone was going on and on about a kitchen remodel once and I looked over at Carl and he said, “You know… that place we keep the diet cokes.”
I do have this fantasy of knowing how to do all of the fancy dishes. But I want to magically know and not have to actually do the work. (And it is work and talent.)
by toni mcgee causey June 25th, 2008 at 2:10 pmROFL Funny because every Christmas we (me and my daughter) bake our brains out and make cookie baskets as presents for my husband’s co-workers. I don’t even know my neighbors, but if you were one, you’d be eating good in the neighborhood. =o)
by B.E. Sanderson June 25th, 2008 at 2:18 pmspelling counts.
by Karin June 25th, 2008 at 2:32 pmGreat post!
I can cook, I’m actually a pretty darn good cook, and I like to cook (but hate to clean up).
I’m also the world’s worst baker. You’re supposed to actually measure stuff — way too much like chemistry for me.
by Jen Baum June 26th, 2008 at 6:06 amIts my first visit to this blog and I’m thrilled to be here. Great topic for the post! Its both ways for me, I have very little tolerance for cooking with different ingredients, etc. It reminds me of those crafts that many make of floral arrangements and other crafts. So many ‘ingredients’ that I usually get easily frustrated. I like things to be simple, and I’m able to cook simple. I remember with Thanksgiving with my family, that I never had anything to do with the cooking. And too I used to do all the dishes by myself with my mom helping, because I couldn’t communicate well with them with alot of people in a discussion (unable to hear) so for me, I liked to escape to the kitchen cleaning up and liked that time with my mom. She tried to teach me but knew too I got frustrated easily so she taught me mostly basics and I do that alot still. My husband is the same way, only does some basic cooking. So after years of eating like that, its great to have my daughter still at home for a while yet while in college locally because she’s the one who loves to cook! And does it with all those fancy ways! Now my husband will come home and doesn’t ask me whats for dinner, but asks my daughter, LOL.
by Caffey June 26th, 2008 at 10:35 amPS She makes such a mess tho! I’m supposed to say its worth it for having a great meal but sometimes its not with the mess she makes and she hates doing dishes!