 | 8 Apr 08 |
This is one of my favorite subjects, mostly because it is a catalyst for my Jenny T. Partridge Dance Mysteries. And whenever I start thinking there might not be a new story, well, ONE JUST DANCES right out in front of me. Take this weekend for instance.
I left Chatter Child in the care of her father, now that she is well on the mend, and headed to Denver with Dancing Daughter, the morning after she made junior high cheerleader. She’s pretty stoked about that, and it has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Just thought I would throw it in because it’s pretty cool. At any rate, we flew into Denver Friday night, and convention/competition started on Saturday. Classes ran all day Saturday, and competition was Saturday evening. Sunday was more classes, and it culminated with an awards ceremony on Sunday afternoon.
One of the most interesting aspects of the convention is they give away scholarships. The dance moms spend lots of money buying new outfits for their children, so they can catch the eye of the judges, who will then see their spectacular talent and award them a scholarship.
Sometimes, perhaps, they are hoping that the judges see the child’s spectacular new outfit and do not notice there is no dance talent at all and still award the scholarship.
And then there are those who take it a bit further, say, all the way to ManicMomville, as they set their alarms, get up at 5 a.m., rouse a very tired and grumpy child and spend HOURS putting curls into said child’s hair so that the spectacular outfit, the dance talent, and of course, the FABOO hair, will ensure that everyone recognizes their child is far superior to any other child. They will then willingly fork out somewhere around 2500-3000 dollars to go to California to attend nationals so that THEIR CHILD can receive even more recognition than they have already received.
I know one of those moms. And Sunday afternoon her daughter, wearing the FABOO outfit, with the sausage curls, DID win a scholarship to nationals. Now, keep in mind this scholarship is worth NOTHING. There is not competition fees awarded, or entry/convention fees, or airfare or hotel costs included. It simply means that the child gets to compete with other children from other cities around the United States to be represented by a talent agency and maybe become FAMOUS. That’s a big maybe.
Now, not all the scholarships are this type of scholarship. They do give tuition and hotel and airfare scholarships away, and those are worthwhile. But this one? This one means not a whole hella lot, except maybe a “Well, that’s cool,” because we had three girls from our studio win it last year, and they haven’t seen much out of it. But the fact it was given, well, for the mother I mentioned above, it is THE WORLD.
She is living vicariously through her daughter, so this was validation that they “really, really like her.” (Unsure if I mean her or her daughter? That’s okay. It validates my point.)
Said daughter received said scholarship, and said mother whooped it up, took child out to celebrate by buying new Nike sneakers and having dinner at expensive restaurant in Denver.
What she didn’t do? Call home to check on her other children the ENTIRE weekend. Other children are young, and they missed mom, but mom and mini-Mom were busy whooping it up in Denver, spending money the family does NOT have (the father just lost his job), and not answering phone calls or checking in with her peeps.
It gets better. Said mom ALSO rewarded her child with a later flight, so she could sleep in and get the rest she needed. The change in itinerary only cost $75, which means it was $150 worth of sleep-in time for said mom and mini-mom. Hey, someone said she might/could be famous one day. It’s validation.
Said mom did NOT notify husband of change, and so he began calling around to find out just exactly what alien had absconded with his wife and child. That alien would be insanity. I really don’t know what other answer there could be.
This woman’s marriage is falling apart, her other children are being neglected, they have no money, and are in danger of losing their house, and she is willing to risk it all to make sure her child gets NOTICED.
I’ve seen this woman in action for quite a few years, and she’s always been this way, but right now her entire reality is teetering on the brink of disaster, and she doesn’t seem to see it.
It’s so sad, it really isn’t funny, and yet it is. When I take these stories and use them for my books, I always keep in mind how close to reality it all is. How someone like the mom I’ve described to you is so real you can almost taste the bitter disappointment the rest of the family is experiencing. Her two boys do not play soccer, football or any other sport. She simply can’t do her daughter’s dance and “other things.” Only one thing, and thus one child, seems to matter to her. Yup, you guessed it. I’ve written about her before. She’s pretty fascinating.
But I see it all imploding on her very soon. What will she be if she can’t live vicariously through her child? Will she wake up one day and realized she missed all the lives of her OTHER children. Will it matter to her?
What do you think?
© 2008 – 2009, Natalie R. Collins. All rights reserved.
Natalie R. Collins was born in Logan, Utah and attended the University of Utah. She worked for eleven years at The Salt Lake Tribune, Utah's largest daily newspaper, before leaving to devote more time to her family. During the ensuing years, she wrote five novels. She also worked for the 2001 and 2002 Sundance Film Festivals as an editor. Natalie is a member of the International Thriller Writers, Mystery Writers of America, and Romance Writers of America.
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Natalie: I know it’s not funny, but goodness. What is this woman thinking? She has other children who do no sports because all the family’s resources go into their daughter? That’s nuts.
I think something else is going on here. This sounds like an extreme form of denial, but I’m no psychologist, so I could be way off. She could just be crazy.
But after reading about ManicMom, I always feel much better about my involvement in my children’s sports lives.
by Amy Addison April 8th, 2008 at 7:25 amI am curious as to the psychology that runs this whole farce of parenting. I don’t get how you can put one child above and in front of your other children. I don’t get it. And to risk putting your family on the edge of financial ruin, whoa, that is some pretty serious rippling across a pond that will affect the rest of the family relationships for ever.
But I love your dance moms.
by Cele April 8th, 2008 at 7:50 amAmy, I don’t think she IS thinking, at least not clearly. And yes, to me it’s obvious there is some serious psychological issues going on, and those need to be addressed. Will they ever? I don’t know. But it goes a LONG way in explaining how these crazy stage/sport/dance parents are created. I think once a parent realizing a child has potential, we tend to push or at least support that potential. This is THAT gone extreme….
Cele, I don’t get it either, and believe me, neither does her husband. And now you know where I get all that inspiration.
by Natalie April 8th, 2008 at 8:10 amWow! This woman really sounds crazy! And where exactly are the husband’s balls? Why doesn’t he speak up about the other kids not being able to do anything b/c the daughter is in dance? And WHY on earth did she still go to Denver and shell out money she didn’t have for a competition that in the grand scheme of things means NOTHING?!? Obviously it means everything to her – so much so that she is ignoring the fact that she has other kids to raise and no money to do the things she’s doing.
by Erin April 8th, 2008 at 8:12 amOMG, that’s unreal! When I was a kid, we had horse show moms. My mom wasn’t, thank God. We definitely had NO money for the fancy clothes, saddle, etc. It was all we could do to get the horse to the arena. I’ve slept in the stable with my horse for the entire weekend of a show on more than one occasion. Because we couldn’t afford the hotel. I wore the same riding outfit each time I showed. I had ONE hunting jacket, not several.
So to hear about some psycho person doing all this for her kid, while the marriage suffers, the others are neglected, and the house is on the block — well, it’s stupendous. You almost wish you could arrest people for stuff like that. Because it IS abuse. Just not what we typically think of as abuse.
by Lynn Raye Harris April 8th, 2008 at 8:15 amErin, yeah, I think pretty crazy sums it up nicely. And I’ve watched her get more and more crazy, the better her daughter gets. Yes, the kid is an okay dancer. She does have natural talent. But she’s being pushed beyond what she is really capable of, and truly, the rest of the girls can’t STAND her. That’s not much of a life, IMO.
The only reason we went to Denver was an obligation to the team. We signed on, so we couldn’t let them down.
by Natalie April 8th, 2008 at 8:59 amLynn, Horse Show Moms! I love it! It seems all these competition things are expensive, and you make sacrifices for them, but I think this one just goes too far.
by Natalie April 8th, 2008 at 9:03 amWe had a special form of this when I was a child and taking dance…there were people who had their kids taking tap from my teacher simply because..wait for it…he had taught Frank Sinatra’s kids to dance. Guess they thought the stardust would rub off or something. My parents, on the other hand, put me in that dance school because the ballet teacher was a long-time friend of the family.
I’ve also seen this when I’ve done props for a local ballet company. The moms who will drive 50 miles or more (one way) to nightly rehearsals for Nutcracker, getting home late at night after driving in Tule fog (for non-central Californians, Tule fog is very think ground fog that sometimes puts visibility down to zero and can appear as if out of nowhere – very dangerous to drive in). The moms who can talk about nothing but darling daughter (somehow the moms of dancing sons don’t do this in my experience, and the dance dads rarely indulge) and how accomplished she is not only at dance, but at everything she does. The moms who sit in the audience during performances (not recitals, mind you, but performances of actual ballets) and cheer and yell out their daughter’s name every blessed time she comes on stage, not caring that they are disrupting other audience members’ enjoyment of the performance.
Makes me wonder, sometimes, truly.
by Elaine April 8th, 2008 at 9:30 amGreat stuff for your Jenny mysteries! Not much surprises me with parents and kids. I’ve seen truly insane stuff. Overinvested and crazy parents and don’t give a damn parents.
I’m so enjoying my grown kids!
by Jen April 8th, 2008 at 9:43 amThere are moms who YELL during the ballet? Good God! That’s one I haven’t seen, but Ballet West would unceremoniously escort THOSE moms out. My daughter has only done The Nutcracker with BW, a famous professional company in our area. But now I’m wondering if anyone has ever DONE that. Wow. WOW. LOL. More fodder! Thanks, Elaine!
Jen, I’ll tell you, it is inherent in any competitive sport. And I guess all of them have their own special psychos…..
by Natalie April 8th, 2008 at 9:55 amErin, in his wife’s pocketbook.
by Cele April 8th, 2008 at 10:01 amit’s just as bad in football. the dads are asses.
by Karin April 8th, 2008 at 10:13 amCele, LMAO!!!
by Erin April 8th, 2008 at 10:38 amBTW – does crazy dance mom work?
by Erin April 8th, 2008 at 10:39 amWell, the company that I’ve worked for is a semi-professional company, its true, but they always (or at least when I’ve worked with them) bring in professional guest dancers and the company puts much more of an emphasis on the “professional” rather than the “semi”, so yeah, I thought the yelling was pretty tacky.
The mom who did that the most (every stinking show her daughter was in), probably got away with it because, as I understand it, she gave lots of time and money to the arts foundation that supports the company. ‘Nuff said there, I think. I just wonder if she did the same thing when daughter went on to dance with some more professional companies, as I hear that she did.
Anyway, glad to contribute whatever I can to the annals of the psycho dance moms.
by Elaine April 8th, 2008 at 1:47 pmUnfortunately, this is nothing new. I remember when I played soccer there were some parents who would do ANYTHING, say anything, push their kids, just to win. One of these parents ended up a coach and that was the most miserable year I had. The thing was, he pushed his daughter harder than anyone. She would break down crying–and she loved soccer.
Sports should be fun. Kids who excel in sports or creative endeavors or school should be encouraged and supported, not pushed beyond reasonable expectations. And to financially jeopardize the family in pursuit of pleasure is irresponsible and very, very sad.
I really, really, really wanted to go to RWA in NY the first year I joined. It would have cost me our mortgage payment and then some because we were barely making ends meet. I didn’t go. No brainer there.
by Allison Brennan April 8th, 2008 at 6:10 pmCele, LOL. Funny
Karin, I know what you mean. And hockey. And baseball. And…
Erin, she runs a preschool. But the only reason she does it to pay for her daughter’s dance….
Elaine, ah, the politics….
Allison, you are right. If only these parents could see what they are doing. And I know what you mean about not attending a conference when you know you can’t afford it. I’m still there!
by Natalie April 8th, 2008 at 11:14 pmWow… “The Saga of the Psycho Dance Mom” hits home. After coaching boys baseball for 9 years from about 1st grade to 7th grade, I can tell you that it is not only Dance Mom’s or Dad’s that act crazy. When the children are younger, it is not so bad… but once they get older, the parents really start to become a problem for Coaches and parents who are responsible. We went on many Baseball Tournaments during these years and I found out that there were many Mom’s and Dad’s who lived vicariously through their son’s. I actually think that these parents have some serious psychological problems just like Psycho Dance Mom. Fawning over one child over the other is never healthy for anyone. We have a College graduated daughter, a 14 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. All have been active in various activities. Our oldest dropped out of sports at 14 years old and focused on Liberal Arts. OK.. no problem. She loved it and is very talented. Lives in Paris France and is getting great reviews on her art work. The 14 year old did Baseball, Football and Basketball for many years. Now, he has decided to drop football, focus on Baseball in High School and take a shot at the Freshman Basketball team but if he does not make it (60 boys try out and they only take 12 of them), he understands. Our youngest girl, plays Soccer, Basketball and Softball. She loves all three but I suspect she will drop one in the next few years. We try really hard to give even time to the 10 and 14 year old BUT, they both understand that one month one of them may get a little more time and attention and the next month the other one might. We make it clear that depending upon our schedules (we both work) and their activities (both of them) that we will never be able to divide time 50/50. They understand this and I believe they know that Mom and I do our very best to spend as much family time with both of them.
Psycho Mom bothers me. Where is the Father? Yes, he is out of work… but he should be saying, “Hey, we can’t afford the trips to Denver now.” Seems like there are some real serious problems in the marriage. Too bad…very sad. I really feel sorry for the other children who are NOT getting even a marginal amount of time from Mom. This will cause jealousy and resentment from the other children because Mom is giving an inordinate amount of time to the “Dance Girl”. I don’t know if Psycho Mom works… but if not, then she should be helping Dad get a job.. acting as his helper to send out resumes, look at job sites, newspaper ads and other means of networking. If Dad is the sole provider, then he needs help so the family will stay strong as a family unit. Sounds like Psycho Mom is “narcissistic” and in love with herself.
Raising a family takes hard work, commitment and sacrifice. However, there is no reason you can’t have fun while running the little rug rats all over to sporting events and friends houses, etc. We feel that 10 to 14 years old are very important ages for social development… so, we not only keep the entire family going to all events, but we spend plenty of time on weekends together with everyone. 14 year old boy goes to 10 year old girls soccer games, etc. After all… the 10 year old girl went and supported her brother when he was 10 years old and she was 6 years old. He grumbles a bit… but he seems to like it after he gets there.
Oh well…sounds like Psycho Mom’s family is headed for some rough times down the road. She needs to focus back on her entire family, especially the husband. He needs support while he is job hunting and she sure sounds like she is not giving him or the other children any support.
Later…. Dye
by Dye April 14th, 2008 at 10:00 pm