 | 3 Aug 06 |
I had a bunch of ideas to blog about. I could recap RWA, but that’s now old news. I was considering writing an open letter to International Thriller Writers about the importance of NOT scheduling their conference for the same week as RWA, but I decided to make that a private letter so only one person gets mad at me instead of hundreds. And I already lost that battle . . .
So, as I do when I’m drinking my morning coffee (before the brain cells start communicating with each other), I surfed around a bunch of blogs I’d missed while in Atlanta. Over at Killerette Alexandra Sokoloff’s The Dark Saloon I found an article that intrigued me. It was about writing a book you don’t know if you’re ready to write. May, a regular visitor here at MSW, commented with a link to an article here. So I followed the trail–I big thanks to May and Alex!
So anyway, fear is a powerful emotion. What differentiates human beings from animals? Internal fear. We all experience external fear–animals fear predators, and humans fear . . . well, everything 
– but humans are unique in that we fear things that can’t physically hurt us.
We fear our dreams.
In Christina Dodd’s fantabulous Saturday keynote speech, she talked about the Sidewalk of Success and the importance of walking. Keep walking. If you fall, get up. If you get sidetracked down a dead end alley, turn around and get back on the Sidewalk of Success. Keep your goals in sight. When you reach them, set new goals. Keep moving.
Great advice. But sometimes it’s not a dead end or tripping over an uneven surface. Sometimes, we turn around and run the other way, backtracking. Why? Internal fear.
For thirtysome years, I wrote stories I never finished. I could argue that it was because I was young, immature, irresponsible, unmotivated, busy, yada yada, but those are all excuses. The truth is, fear kept me from getting to the end. If I finished a book, I would have to send it out, try to get published, and what if it was total dreck? (It was.)
Once I got over THAT fear–fear of rejection or fear that I couldn’t write myself out of a paper bag–other fears crept in. What if I entered a bunch of contests and never finaled? Well, I DID final . . . but I never came in first. What if I never sold? I did. What if I got published, but the books were a total failure? Well, my books did pretty good. What if my next book isn’t as good as the last? THE KILL hit #21 on the NYT expanded list . . . what if I never get that high again?
The difference between success and failure is not whether you hit lists or don’t hit lists; it’s not whether you sell or don’t sell. It’s whether you keep going . . . or give up.
One of my greatest fears (today) is that I won’t be able to write the book I want to write. It’s bigger, more complex, with deeply flawed characters both on the side of good and on the side of evil. I conceived of this idea two years ago this month . . . the idea has been churning, percolating, simmering. I even wrote some tentative first pages. But I never felt like I could really write the book. It seems so much bigger than any of my other ideas. Deeper. Do I have the skill to pull it off the way I want to?
Am I ready? I don’t know. I feel ready, I feel like my mind has settled into the story and is ready to tell it. But what if it’s total dreck? What if I can’t take this fabulous idea and make it shine?
What if I fail? Like Alex said on her blog: “I don’t know if I have the chops, yet.”
Neither do I. But to continue Alex’s train of thought: “But that’s the book I want – the one that I kept tossing all those other books aside for because they aren’t IT. ”
Fail? Only if I don’t write the book.
Are you ready? If you haven’t completed your first manuscript, ask yourself why? Fear of success . . . or fear of failure? Everything else is just an excuse.
And if you have finished one, two, ten books, ask yourself: are these the books you want to write? Is there another in your soul, itching, scratching, begging to get out? What are you waiting for?
Get writing.
© 2006 – 2009, Allison Brennan. All rights reserved.
Allison Brennan is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling and award winning author of seventeen romantic thrillers and several short stories. She lives near Sacramento, California with her husband and five children. Recently, RT Book Reviews called Allison "A master of suspense." And Lee Child said of her Kincaid series launch, "A world-class nail-biter ... Brennan is in the groove with this one." For fun Allison enjoys wine tasting, swimming, kids sports, playing video games, and "of course" reading. Her most recent release is IF I SHOULD DIE, book three in the Lucy Kincaid series. Watch for SILENCED coming on 4.24.12.
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Have you been reading my mind? So far, I’ve only written category romances. I want to write a “big” book, but I really don’t know if I have the skill to pull it off. Thanks for posting this.
by Margery Scott August 3rd, 2006 at 6:17 amFor me, it isn’t so much the fear of not being able to write the book, but the dread of investing so much time and possibly money in the research of a book. I’m dying to write a historical set during the Revolutionary War. The sheer magnitude of the research holds me back. Not that I don’t want to do the research, but as you know, when you have kids, long stretches of time where you can sit in a library and online to do research is a rare thing. I’d hate to invest that kind of effort only to have it never see the light of day. Yes, its wonderful to write the book you want to write, but I can also read the trends for publishers and historical romances centered in Revolutionary America aren’t cutting it right now. I hold it on the back burner until a) the climate in the market changes and b) when my kids are all in school.
by Rene August 3rd, 2006 at 6:40 amAh…so true.
The conference so energized me that I’m typing up a storm, and editing for a full request.
The fear is always there, you just have to stomp it in the ground. Life is too short to be fearful.
If I miss the mark (never say ‘fail’) then there is always another project brewing in the recesses of my mind.
If I never try…
by Donna August 3rd, 2006 at 7:51 amWell, I don’t want to be lying on my deathbed wishing I would have done something about my writing.
Allison,
by Tracey Lyons August 3rd, 2006 at 8:56 amWere you reading my mind again? I’ve been going round and round about a series I want to write. I even started it, got a proposal written up had some interest in it, but the book needed some serious revamping. So I’ve brainstormed with some friends and reworked the guts of the storyline and now I’m ready, but talk about fear of success holding me back!!! This is one crazy business.
I was born ready, baby.
by Karin August 3rd, 2006 at 9:15 amSeriously, if I was afraid, I would not do it, or I’d take drugs, like I do when I fly. The bottom line for me is, I know exactly where I want to go, and will fortify myself however I must to get there. Well so long as it’s not illegal and I’m not backstabbing anyone. lol, What was it Christina Dodds said? “Your friends will stab you in the chest.” Loved it.
I hate fear. It undermines so much. I inherited this lovely trait from my mother; I think bad things are going to happen so I do nothing waiting for them to happen. Then, they don’t happen and I’ve wasted all that time thinking they would. See, I identified it, maybe I can work on it now. LOL
by Amanda August 3rd, 2006 at 9:39 amI can identify. I don’t fear failure as much as I fear success. How’s that for crazy? If I try and fail, I can say I tried. But, if I try and succeed, then more will be expected of me. It is making a commitment to my future time that I’m not sure I’m willing to give up, even for something I love, writing.
by Deborah Brent August 3rd, 2006 at 10:23 amI think this is a very difficult not to have some fear in this business, it’s just whether you allow the fear to paralyze you or whether you simply accept it as part of the game. I choose to do the latter. I tend to be a very pragmatic person anyway which I think helps, because I don’t take rejection personally when it comes–and it always comes, no matter what level you are at. It might be in the form of a “bad review,” but accepting that we are not going to please everyone all the time is key.
by Monica M. August 3rd, 2006 at 10:28 amGreat post Allison! There are so many things that play into our decision making process on what to write. For people like me who read across the board, it can be confusing. Especially with all the market information coming at us. Then factor in fear of success or failure, and it can be crazy-making.
I just write. I’m working on a project now that’s taking countless hours and may never sell, but I will have learned some valuable skills from putting in the work, so I consider that a good thing.
by Jen August 3rd, 2006 at 10:30 amGreat post, Allison! Besides fear, there are worries. Those bother me more. These stupid, crazy little worries like rats in the walls. But if we embrace the big plans and go for it, I think that is actually freeing.
Years ago in a galaxy far away, I decided to limit my expectations, so I wouldn’t “get hurt”. I wrote three small mysteries – was just hoping to get a little bit of money, didn’t even think beyond a one-book deal. Result? Even though I’d been published before, my agent couldn’t sell those books for love or money. For years, I was stuck in a holding pattern, waiting to hear a good word.
Then I had a Damascas experience of sorts, and I realized that I had to write the book *I* wanted to write. The book I *really* wanted to write. Not to be safe. Not just to get published again (that sure didn’t work). Although I was damn well going to get published. I had to build myself up for it, writing in a journal. For months I told myself I didn’t know the scope or breadth of my talent, but I guessed it was much bigger than I thought it was. I had hampered myself before, I had gotten in my own way, and now I was going to stop that. I was not going to listen to the rats in my walls. When I finished writing the book, I left my agent. This was at a time when it was darn hard to get an agent. It was my leap of faith.
I wrote the book and to this day I love it. I don’t care what anyone says, it is a huge source of pride for me. It sold much better, much higher up on the food chain – immediately.
Is that the end of the story? No. It’s a struggle every day. And sometimes I want to go running back to safety, to the status quo. The rats in the walls come back sometimes. But Allison is right: you can’t operate out of fear. You have to let that go, or live with it, but just keep going forward. If you can’t go forward, go around. If you can’t go around, go over the top. Just keep moving that ball down the field.
by Jake August 3rd, 2006 at 10:48 amMy youngest son, William goes through life under the assumption he is bulletproof. He leaps fearlessly into sports, releationships and life. If he were to balk in mid action his momentum would stop and he’d get hurt. That’s how I look at this publishing business. Don’t balk. Yes, you can take time out for other things, but when it comes down to the actual writing write like you’re bulletproof. It works, Jake is proof. And now, I’m off to write a bullet proof proposal.
by Karin August 3rd, 2006 at 11:04 amHi Allison,
The same thing happened to me with my first book. I started writing my first book at sixteen and didn’t get it published until twenty years later. Part of my not seeking publication earlier was my own youthfulness, but a greater part of it was my own fear of rejection. Ironically, the book, Spellbound, was picked up by the first agent and first publisher I sent it to. Go figure. It only goes to show you never know until you try.
by Dee Savoy August 3rd, 2006 at 12:42 pmGreat post Allison. I wish I had time to comment more but i’m running out the door to register a kid for Jr. High.
Karin your youngest sounds like mine
I have this quote I found somewhere not that long ago that I just love so I’m gonna share cuz I feel like that about the book I’m writing now. I’m scared I can’t pull it off but when I sit down to write it it’s fun and exciting so I want to keep going….anyway here, must dash. “If you don’t feel that you are possibly on the edge of humiliating yourself, of losing control of the whole thing, then probably what you are doing isn’t very vital. If you don’t feel like you are writing somewhat over your head, why do it? If you don’t have some doubt of your authority to tell this story, then you are not trying to tell enough.†John Irving
by Cece August 3rd, 2006 at 1:41 pmGod help us, Cece. My youngest is my biggest challenge so far in this life. If I can survive Will the Thrill (or at times the Pill) I can survive most anything.
by Karin August 3rd, 2006 at 3:14 pmI love the quote. Printing it.
It’s actually HARD to not write the book that’s screaming at you, don’t you think?
Never understood how people could NOT write that dream book. Fine, if you’re on deadline/contract, or you’re a one book at a time writer and want to finish your current project first.
by May August 3rd, 2006 at 6:26 pmAllison, I’m writing that bigger, scarier boook right now. Maybe that’s why it took me so long to write the first 100 pages and I’m now giving myself permission to write crap until the revision. I wanted to make sure I could do it. Maybe the fear added an edge to the writing. LOL, I hope so.
by Edie Ramer August 3rd, 2006 at 8:41 pmkarin mine too but he’s such a sweetie boy!
>>It’s actually HARD to not write the book that’s screaming at you, don’t you think?
Hmmm May I think some of this comes with maturing as a writer. The game is different for everyone, but for me, I had to relearn how to really enjoy writing again. Not that it’s not still a chore most days, but really really get excited about it and remember why I loved it, so no we don’t always write the book that’s screaming at us. And sometimes there’s nothing screaming to be written.
by Cece August 4th, 2006 at 8:36 amAllison,
Great post. I definitely suffer from fear of failure or fear of success, not sure which, wonder if it’s all the same thing really. I can so relate too, ‘cuz I have all these ideas, and the ones that most intrigue and excite me are the deeper, more complex, harder books. I have yet to finish book one, and I know the first book is often unpublishable, the learning book. So, I’ve considered doing a YA, a shorter book, just to finish something, rather than dive in on a book that’s way over my head….but much more apt to keep my interest.
Basically, I’m just procrastinating, savoring the dream of writing the perfect book, without getting it done….and time is slipping away. A highlight for me at National was Nora Robert’s chat, and her just get it down, and fix it later method, something about ‘you can’t fix a blank page.’ Loved that.
by pam August 4th, 2006 at 9:25 amHi gang: I took yesterday off and went to the San Francisco Zoo with the kids. My youngest two also went to the beach (a real beach, i.e. Pacific Ocean) for the first time. It was totally worth it to see their reaction. That’s a post for another day . . . but Brennan #4 will probably never set foor on the beach again, LOL.
I’m so pleased that my post resonated with so many. I’ve never received so many off-loop emails, and I’m glad it helped get people on their butt and writing. We all need a little kick in the butt sometimes, me included.
May, I think that it’s hard because we don’t think we’re ready. For example, I can “see” the entire book. I can feel the characters and the story and their growth. I’m scared of the book because it IS a scary book . . . but I’m more scared that I can’t do my vision justice.
But I’m going to try. That’s all we can do.
More comments later . . . my FIL is coming in any minute and I have to finish getting things ready!
by Allison August 4th, 2006 at 2:06 pmBoy, do I have this same feeling. There’s a book that’s been floating in my head for a long time that I just haven’t written yet. It’s darker, deeper and for me – a lot scarrier than anything else I’ve done. I keep putting it off, thinking down the line, when I’m a better writer, when I understand all of this in more detail – I’ll do it then. Only problem is, I think I might always feel that way.
Thanks for the kick, Allison. I may just start it after all.
by Elisabeth August 5th, 2006 at 12:51 pmWell now. For my second book I chose a story that seems deceptively simple, yet behind the scenes is VERY complex. Am I ready for it? I’m certainly finding out.
I think it’s important that we attempt to write beyond our means. It’s the only way to learn.
rgb
by Robert Gregory Browne August 5th, 2006 at 8:23 pmWhoa – I honestly had no idea so many people felt the same way. That’s a huge help. And thanks, Cece, for that John Irving quote – that goes on the wall.
I do think Rene is right that SOME market considerations always have to come into play – if you’re planning on making a living at all this. But to not write something because you’re afraid? Not an acceptable evasion!
I’m so happy to discover this blog… I never even knew it existed until just now. Hmm.. what else have I been missing?
Alex
by Alexandra Sokoloff August 6th, 2006 at 7:46 amAlex, I didn’t know you didn’t know about MSW! We rock
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