My distractions can usually be sorted into two primary categories: controllable and uncontrollable. And the funny thing is each seems to have its own cause/effect catalyst. If I’m on a deadline, but the right words for a particular scene seem to be locked away in some obscure vault in my brain that I can’t gain access to, the controllable distractions arrive…

–The dust bunny in the corner of the room that has to be cleaned NOW.
–The email that has to be answered NOW
–The dog that has to be fed NOW (although I fed him two hours ago)
–The google search for a premise I’m considering for a future book that has to be done NOW
–The paperwork on my desk that needs straightening NOW
–The search for a new ink pen (that fits better in my hand than the 30 others on my desk) that has to be done NOW.

If I’m cranking out words at a pretty decent pace, my brain solidly planted in a scene, fingers flying across the computer keyboard, that’s when the uncontrollable distractions come. And they usually come from people…

The phone rings—one of my daughter’s has a flat tire, and she’s frantic. If the tire isn’t fixed NOW, she’ll be late for her workout at the gym. And since she doesn’t know how to fix a flat, (and has suddenly lost the ability to search for a tire repair service in the phone book) needs me to find someone to fix it NOW.

A knock on the door—one of my managers sticks his/her head into my office to let me know we’re out of toilet paper in both bathrooms and that they’re heading to the store to get some. Oh, of course they preempt the announcement of that catastrophe with, “Are you busy?”

Intercom on the phone buzzes—new secretary announces I have a call on line four…

“Who is it?”

“Uh . . .hold on.” Two seconds later, she buzzes again. “He said his name is Jim.”

Eye roll. “And Jim is with . . .?”

“He didn’t say.”

Teeth gritting now. “Would you find out, please? If it’s a solicitor, I’m unavailable.” (She’s only been told this a gazillion times.)

“Okay.” Three seconds later another buzz. “He says he’s returning your call.”

Frowning. I haven’t called anyone named Jim and asked for a return call. So I enunciate…..”Would—you—please—find—out—what—company—he’s—with?”

“Okay.” Another couple of seconds. “He says he’s with AIC.”

“What’s AIC?”

“Uh—he didn’t say.”

Another eye roll. Instead of going another round with the new secretary, I pick up the blinking line.

“This is Deborah.”

“Hello, Deborah, how are you today?”

Teeth gritting again. A solicitor. They always start their pitch this way. “Fine. How may I help you?”

“My name is Jim, and I’m with Aflac Insurance Company. Is it hot down there in Louisiana today?”

CLICK–I hang up the phone and have to go find the manager responsible for the new secretary’s training….NOW.

Arggg!

My name is Jen and I don’t play computer and Internet games…

So what does distract me? Chocolate but I can eat chocolate and write at the same time. I know, amazing, huh? I can seriously multi-task when chocolate is involved.

Here’s the thing. Natalie helped me out by stepping in on Monday. That gave me a whole extra day to write this blog. Easy as pie, right?

Bwahahahaha!

Sunday, I blew it off. I was gone much of the day, but got home earlier than I had thought I would. But Natalie assured me (see Natalie’s Evil Plot in her post) that she had Monday covered. So I read a book. An entire book. Mary Janice Davidson’s UNDEAD AND UNAPPRECIATED. Cool. Time’s a gift and we should grab it when we can.

I got up Monday, saw Natalie’s blog and cracked up. Natalie, Natalie, Mondays are never ever to be envied! Sheesh, I can’t teach the girl anything. Really she should listen to me as I am something like four months older than her. I am a wealth of wisdom!

Umm, where was I?

Oh, the blog. I was going to dash off the blog. But them my husband called and wanted me to tape something for him. No problem, sweetie—I’m on it. Just walk me through the directions to tape it….my husband is a very patient man. Twenty minutes later I won the battle with the ancient VCR (okay, I know, we need to update! What—you think my kids haven’t mentioned that a zillion times?) And then…

Fast forward to last night. I have GOT to write the blog. I sit down after dinner, but my son is trying out the new spa for the first time. Alone. All by himself. That just didn’t look right, so I went out back and hung out with him in the spa for a while.

No problem. I am an early riser. I can be at the computer by 6:20 and dash off a blog. And I was here; I even wrote a couple sentences when I remembered that sometimes my youngest son likes to check his email before school. Now I hog the computer all day, and I should stay current on the news…

I read a chapter in a new book, Tara Jenzen’s CRAZY WILD while watching the news and wondering why my newspaper hasn’t shown up yet.

I did my make up and hair.

I had breakfast.

I cleaned up my bedroom.

I checked my email.

I loaded the dishwasher and started it.

I started the pool filter and checked all the stuff that goes with it.

I cleaned all my counters until they sparkled.

Ran upstairs to brush my teeth and noticed that BEWITCHED is now on at 7:30 a.m. I love BEWITCHED! My single most important goal in life when I was a kid was to be a witch just like Samantha. I started thinking about Jeanie and how some people like Jeanie. I can’t figure it out. Samantha is cool! She and her mom are smarter than all the men, and always manipulated them. They are in control! They take no crap.

Jeanie calls Major Nelson “Master”. NOT IN MY WOLRD! And frankly, she’s a little on the dim side. I don’t get it the allure.

Just about the time I’m thinking this, guess who wakes up? The guys in the attic…the men who “help” me plot my books. They are in the weight room in my mind again, pumping iron. Shirtless. And they start talking amongst themselves about Jeannie. I hear “She’s Hot” a lot. Let me tell you, if these guys didn’t look so good lifting weights, I’d have the attic fumigated.

One of them looks at me. “Don’t you have a blog to write?”

Another one, “Give me the remote so we can find Jeanie.”

I nicely toss them the remote (hard) and stomp over to the computer.

“And no email!” Calls the first one.

Fine. I’ll write the blog about distractions. So my distractions are Email, the Internet, Google (I will Google anything to keep from writing!), blogs, the kids, the phone, life, reading books and calling it research, whatever I can think of to keep from wrestling with the book I’m working on, and the men hanging out in the attic of my mind, tossing me stray ideas and making rude comments.

And here’s the one that’s just embarrassing: Microsoft Word’s Thesaurus. Type a word in, click on the Thesaurus and see how many other like words come up. I do that a lot when I’m brainstorming and plotting. Weird huh? I just like words!

Okay, there it is. My name is Jen and I’m a Procrastinator!

Through some pretty shifty maneuverings (read: she thinks I did HER a favor), I get to replace Jen today as MISS MONDAY! I’ve been coveting this spot for a quite a while now. And waiting. Just lurking in the shadows, waiting for Jen to mention she is really, really busy and wondering how she is going to blog because of family situations and illness, and all that stuff, and then…. I POUNCED! I blithely mentioned I would be HAPPY to do her Monday blog, and she could have Tuesday. I was very cool. She bought it. And so… I am MISS MONDAY!

I’m thinking of trying to stage a coup so the position remains mine, but don’t tell Jen. And Shhhhhh! She thinks I’m doing her a favor.

So, this week’s theme is “Writing Around the Diversions.” Your first clue that I have a problem with this should have been the fact that I have been plotting to steal Mondays from Jen, when there is nothing really to be gained from this except Miss and Monday go together very well, and nothing really goes with Tuesday except Tardy or Terrible. In other words, the only work ethic I am practicing is the sketchy “avoidance” one.

It’s a bad time to suffer from the avoidance ailment. Especially in today’s world, where we are all wired for sound, and Internet, and games. It’s hard to FOCUS and just write.

For example, I HAVE to spend hours cleaning stupid, &$#@@%$ spam off my blog. The spam on my blog is a very real problem and they don’t have medicine to cure this one. At least not one I’ve seen ADVERTISED in the SPAM that shows up on my blog! This really isn’t avoidance, but my desire to BLOG about the stupid spam I am CLEANING off my blog IS classic avoidance, type C, with a type D and a few personality disorders thrown in to boot.

Still, you have to wonder. I am perplexed why anyone thinks I need a larger penis. Truly. Or why that anyone thinks I would believe some herbal remedy is going to resolve that problem.

I’m also wondering what a “fleshlight” has to do with male masturbation, but I am not brave enough to click on the link and find out. There are just some places a girl should not go, and that is one of them!

I’m also curious about the kind of person that would “order” a mail order bride. See, I’ve sent for things through the mail before, and boy, let me tell you, that did NOT work out well. Like the beautiful insignia ring I ordered off some cereal box when I was a kid. It broke ten minutes after I had it. And it did not speak broken English and need to be fed or clothed, either! And there was no talking back. And the thighmaster? The kids use it in contests to launch large items across the yard. Another mail-ordered thing that did NOT work out well. So why would anyone believe the claims about “mail order” brides? They can launch things purposely aimed at heads or other body parts that are kinda vulnerable.

When I’m not cleaning spam off the blog, I should be writing. But have you ever tried that Mirror Magic game? I have made it my personal goal to beat every single level. So far, I have only made it through twelve pictures before I fail. I’ve tried to convince myself that this is good for my mental health, and that I am practicing these mind games to keep my brain sharp because I’ve heard that if you do, you won’t get Alzheimer’s, but….. where was I going with that?

Hmmm. Oh, you know, I noticed I have this real problem where I go upstairs, usually top speed, to perform some pressing action that has to be done NOW, only when I get there… I can’t remember what it was! So I usually end up organizing my sock drawer or tidying up the mess the kids made while I was busy playing Spider Solitaire, er, uh, I mean writing…..

And I can’t understand why this book is not written yet! I just don’t have enough time… Ooooh, did you see this new game called Jewel Miner?…..