I, Natalie R. Collins, author of WIVES AND SISTERS, BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, and TWO DAMN BOOKS I HAVEN’T WRITTEN YET BUT AM REQUIRED BY CONTRACT TO WRITE, hereby resolve that in 2006:
1. I resolve that I will NOT obsessively check my Amazon ranking when the paperback of WIVES AND SISTERS comes out in March. I will not. Absolutely not. At a minimum, once a day. Maybe twice. That hourly shit will stop. I resolve. (I am not required by law to make the same claim of BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, as it is still scheduled for release in January of 2007. So HA! Talk to me next year.)
2. I resolve that I will NOT get sidetracked every time I sit down to write. There will BE no games of Spider Solitaire. Oh no. No word games. No Bespelled. That game is serious fun, but I swear, none of that stuff. I resolve.
3. I resolve that I will NOT get too attached to my titles. Because if I get TOO attached to my titles, it’s a sure sign they will change. Better yet, perhaps every book should be titled, Collins Proposal # Whatever-the-heck-it-is. Except I have this mental roadblock where I can’t write a book without a title. I have to have the TITLE first. The working title for this next book is BLOOD ATONEMENT. Has a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? NO NO NO. NO attachment. N.O.N.E. Moving on.
4. I resolve that I will finish my next book and then NOT spend the time between when I send it off and when I hear from my editor standing on a tall, tall, ledge, while Jennifer and Karin and Allison and Deborah try to talk me down. I will not. I RESOLVE, dammit.
5. I will not say, “Wow, that would make a great book,” to every crime story I hear on television.
6. I will not say, “Wow, that must hurt,” when everyone who finds out I have written a book tells me, “I just know I have a good book in me.”
7. I will nicely say, “Sorry, I’m not an agent,” to every aspiring writer who emails me their query after perusing my agent listing pages, even though my Web site plainly says I am NOT an agent, just a writer who has provided an AGENT listing. I will even respond nicely to that one lady who accuses me of fraud and having an agenda when I tell her I am not an agent. I haven’t figured out what that agenda IS yet, but when I do, I will make sure and share it.
8. I will be nice to the “agents” who get angry with me when I won’t post their listing on said agent listing just because they have decided to hang out their “agent” shingle. I will calmly explain you have to actually have some sales, and some credentials, etc., before I will list you. I will thank them for threatening to ruin my career, despite the fact that most people in the publishing industry have never heard of them. In fact, most of the people in the publishing industry have not heard of ME! Ruin away. Most of the bigwigs in publishing will say, “Natalie R. Who?” Let the ruination begin.
9. I will not swear. Ever. Well, not hardly ever. At least not five times a day. Okay, maybe not five times an hour. I CAN DO THAT DAMMIT! I can! Ooops.
10. I will not post New Year’s Resolutions ever, ever, again as long as I live. Except maybe next year.